Mazuma Mobile - The Terrible Truth

Mazuma is a service that will buy your ‘old’ phone when you can’t sell it to your friends or the local dodgy phone shop. Their mascot is a little red creature that is adorable and also incredibly irritating to look at. Just look at that asshole's little face:

So pleased with itself

I want to just gently pick it up and snuggle it against my face, possibly with a tiny eskimo kiss. But I also can’t stand to look at its smug expression. I share these conflicted emotions with the actors in their adverts, which is good since they’re forcing their cute little pal into an envelope and selling it to the unknown. What awaits beyond the envelope? Slavery? Violence? Death? Should you feel bad for the poor little asshole? Find out more after the click.

Adverts for World Cup 2014

I’m back! If anyone cares, the years of silence were because I went to space. For years. Yeah, it was a pretty big deal. They made me their king. You probably didn’t hear about it in the mainstream media. Anyway, I was called back to planet Earth because someone wrote this on Facebook:

Identity redacted in a fetching puce/violet shade

So, due to the overwhelming popular demand of one person, after the page break we’re gonna kick things off by looking at some of the adverts for the upcoming 2014 World Cup in Brazil! Get it? KICK things off? HA! Still got it.

Fantastic Future Factories - Cereal & SIM Cards

There is a massive hole in your knowledge, and mine. None of us really know where stuff comes from any more. At best a label can tell us the nation of origin, but how does that help us? This was especially obvious a while ago when there was a big news story about horse meat in supermarket lasagne. A lot of people said that the consumers shared the blame. We had been warned for years that food hygiene standards were unreliable in low-budget, planet-wide food systems – then we were shocked to find out what that meant. But if you can’t believe in a faceless international conglomerate, who can you believe in? I am literally asking if there are any brands we can truly trust.

Luckily, several companies have done something revolutionary. In the interests of transparency, they have produced 30-second adverts that show exactly what conditions are like in their main factory. It turns out everything is much more like Willy Wonka’s factory than we ever suspected. Let’s take a look at them after the click.

 

Worst Recent Car Advert – Motherhood & Fatherhood

After a brief absence (I will never write a 4-part post ever again) there are some new adverts to talk about. The most memorable are two for the Fiat 500L entitled ‘Fatherhood’ and ‘Motherhood’. You may have seen them already without even realising, but that only means their influence has been insidious.

After the click we’ll get depressed about parenting because apparently that sells cars.

 

Enterprise Car Rental - UK vs USA

Pull up your pants and pay attention. I meant underwear, not trousers, because I know exactly what you’re doing and it’s not required for this blog post. See the tricky language barrier that I just played with, between US English and International English? It’s a cliché that whenever the British and Americans talk, the subject will come up. And why not? It can be a good ice-breaker and dialogue improves international relations, as evidenced by the interactions between Brad and Dave in the adverts for Enterprise UK Car Hire (aka Enterprise Car Rental).

No? Well, come on then:

See? Comedy gold! It’s taken the advertising world a surprisingly long time to make use of this unique dynamic – or at least for it to register on my limited radar. After the click we can find out more about this hilarious comedy-duo character-act.

Half-Naked Men With Flowers

Warning: this blog post is all about flowers. Pretty, harmless and aromatic flowers. It also involves half-naked men with their bulging shoulders, glistening chests and abs so sculpted you could grind meat on them:

 Which demographic do you imagine this is aimed at?

It’s a shame they all look quite goofy and awkward but just look at the biceps of that one at the back, in the knee high shorts and the wellington boots. And the guy on the right with the curly hair? With the slight stubble and shoulders so broad he could be used as a raft? Wait, what was I talking about? Something about flowers? Alright, fine, after the click let’s start talking about flowers or whatever.

Cravendale - The Cows and The Cats

Lactose intolerance is when someone can’t properly digest lactose, a sugar found in milk, because they lack a specific enzyme. I too lack that enzyme, along with an increasingly large amount of the global population. So you can imagine how much attention I’ve been paying to Cravendale milk, produced by Arla Foods UK Ltd. Hint: It’s less than one. But it turns out I’ve been missing out on a bit of a phenomenon. A phenomenon of random-ass and adorable stuff.

For several years, Cravendale used a trio of Cow, Pirate and Cyclist to promote their filthy white gold. But eventually the time came to retire these strange stop-motion figurines, which was a sad day:

But don’t feel too sad, friends. After the click we can find out about the Cravendale cats – everybody knows the internet loves cats!

Gay Adverts - The Strange Cold War

For the past year or so the advertising industry (in the US especially) has been wading into the fight for gay rights vs the sanctity of marriage or something. Adverts and brands are now banners beneath which armies gather.

Before I talk about homosexual issues I feel like I should qualify my feelings on the subject. Sexuality is like the sea: mysterious, ever-changing, nearly impossible to properly measure, quite polluted and full of sharks.

But if you’re careful you can jump those sharks

If people want to connect themselves to one another in the eyes of some mythical overlord, or in the eyes of the law (also a kind of mythical overlord) then I’m fine with it as long as they put on a good buffet and a free bar. Regardless of whether they’re bride/bride, groom/groom or groom/bride (which isn’t always a reflection of gender anyway) my only question is whether I’m invited. The answer is usually no; everyone is afraid of what I might do when exposed to limitless alcohol. Their lack of faith disturbs me.

There’s no practical reason to deny homosexual couples the same legal rights that heterosexual couples ‘enjoy’, there’s only ideological hyperbole*.

*In a decent thesaurus those two words are synonyms for ‘insane ranting’

With that seriousness out of the way, let’s get to business! Gay business! Hit the jump for some gay business!

LG Eco Homes

It all started with this advert:

This lead me on a short, appalling adventure that you can read about after the click.

Lynx - Sex Up A Stereotype

I’ve already discussed how the sexuality of Lynx is changing – women are no longer purely trophies with no personalities and men are afflicted with premature perspiration. There was almost gender equality in the last one we looked at. Now they’ve grown even closer to human! This is a series of adverts presented as a banner at first:

 Make a selection from this buffet of nameless sex objects!

Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.

Go Compare - Did They Kill Him?

Earlier today the countdown of the Go Compare adverts ended. They had been building up all week to something happening today, and I speculated earlier today that they would kill him - the purposefully vandalised billboard posters and the irritated viewers included at the end of every new advert, along with the countdown, seemed to point to an impending paradigm change. The advert is finally online so I can finally link to it and put you all out of your suspenseful misery.

Either follow this link to check out the theories from earlier in the day or check out the new Go Compare generation:

Now let's just do a quick review and put this all behind us (after the jump in case of spoilers)

Go Compare - Will They Kill Him?

Here's something that might make your day: for the past week or so the Go Compare adverts on TV have been counting down to something. Nobody knows what it is. There's some speculation that they will be retiring their renowned, infamous opera singer Gio Compario.

For essential therapy, print out this image and attach to a punching bag

Seek satisfaction after the click:

7 Adverts from the Olympic Buildup

I’ve seen the warnings about how to plan your transport and how to avoid getting caught in unusual rush hours. I’ve followed the debate about what to do with the big stadium after it’s finished. I’ve seen Wenlock and Mandeville in shops now, and I’ve even seen a few kids on the tube carrying the little Wenlock dolls. I’ve been enraged by the various conspiracy theorists who think we’ll all die in 2012. This can only mean one thing: THE LONDON OLYMPICS ARE JUST A MONTH AWAY.

Like with any major sporting event, the adverts have all cashed in too. A while ago we looked at the Superbowl adverts, so now let’s have a look at some of the adverts in the build-up to the Olympics after the click:

Wagon Wheels - The Truth Is In There

Wagon Wheels are great. For those of you who don’t know or if you’re diabetic, you’re seriously missing out. A Wagon Wheel is a biscuit, marshmallow and chocolate disc made out of deliciousness.

They also sometimes have jam or caramel inside. Seriously

The new promotion campaign, involving almost every element of social media, is based on how aliens are controlling you via these Wagon Wheels. Read more after the click!

Cars of the Future - Part 2

A while ago I told you how car companies Smart, Renault and Nissan were all releasing electric cars this year. Electric cars with realistic range and power, not just token gestures for showrooms and trade expos. We examined the adverts and ultimately concluded that I want a spaceship. But it has to be a good spaceship with faster-than-light travel and everything.

This will also suffice

Anyway, the paradigm shift continues after the click!

Gender Equality in Lynx Adverts - Everybody Wants to Bone

For years the Lynx adverts had a predictable, recognisable motif. But for a little while it was undermined. We’ll get to that later. This is the archetype: a man sprays Lynx deodorant on himself and becomes irresistible to women. They swarm towards him like a terrifying blend of ravenous wolves and starving locusts. For example in this 1-minute advert from 2006 where women literally cross forests, mountains and oceans in their bikinis, summoned by the stench of deodorant:

I bet that advert was a lot of fun to film.

There's more realistic adverts after the click - but not much more realistic.

Bad Advert Ideas (Part One)

Some ideas just don’t work: mustard seed underpants, discount placebos, poo-flavoured microwave meals, charging down a valley towards Cossacks and Hussars when the valley walls are bristling with enemy gun batteries.

Charging down a valley towards Cossacks and Hussars while the valley walls are bristling with enemy gun batteries

But some people don’t realise when ideas aren’t working, and carry on regardless: ketchup bottle sex toys, gourmet restaurants at truck rest stops, denying the working class, charging down a valley towards Cossacks and Hussars when the valleys walls blah blah etc.

It's a great idea to read more about bad ideas, after the click!

Cars of the Future

If a car isn’t burning precious natural resources and clogging the lungs of small children with noxious, cancerous tar then what good are they? You might as well be on a bicycle! So who the hell would buy an electric car? What kind of pathetic loser would you have to be to get rid of your huge pedestrian-cruncher or midlife-crisis-mobile? What, are you going to ride a bus like some kind of peasant? How will anyone know how big your cock is, unless you drink diesel like lemonade and tear down the road like a bull making sweet, sweet love to a lion – deep and noisy.

...and sensual.

After the click we'll find out about the other, correct side of the argument.

Odd Celebrity Endorsements

When you’re famous and instantly recognisable (like me) then one of the ways you can support your expensive tastes and habits (drinking glacial melt-water and having sex with tigers) is endorsing products. You can sell not just your body, but also your face, name and/or voice.

Follow the click to hear about Mr T, JLS, Sylvester Stallone, Mikhail Gorbachev, zombies and SO MANY OTHERS!

Superbowl Advert Recap 2012

It’s only been a day, at the time of writing, since some kind of major sporting event finished in the US. I gather it’s called the Superbowl, and like all major sporting events it involves huge amounts of money floating through the air, invisible, above our heads. It changes hands between sponsors, building contractors, ticket vendors, event caterers, local government, wholesale food warehouses, security firms, media broadcasters, merchandise manufacturers, law firms to arrange and broker these deals and stock-market analysts to analyse the stock-market impact of all these transactions.

I guess there’s also something about some sportsmen doing something on a field with a weirdly shaped ball or something, but it hardly seems relevant at this point. I’m a Brit living in the UK and I don’t even follow proper football or rugby, let alone the infantile, specially-padded offspring of the two.

Nevertheless, all that money zooming around produces ADVERTS! Some of the best adverts ever produced by Western culture, maybe even all of humanity. You can see a collection of this year’s Superbowl Adverts here, but let’s talk about some of the most interesting after the click.