I’ve already discussed how the sexuality of Lynx is changing – women are no longer purely trophies with no personalities and men are afflicted with premature perspiration. There was almost gender equality in the last one we looked at. Now they’ve grown even closer to human! This is a series of adverts presented as a banner at first:
Make a selection from this buffet of nameless sex objects!
Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.
I think the implicit, unspoken fact here is that they’re both on cocaine, right? Repainting a wall and buying a new t-shirt is cheap compared to how much coke they must have shovelled up their noses. This guy is really, really sweating now but the Lynx is hanging on in there with him. He’s been dancing from dusk till dawn and if he has enough energy to have sex after that then he must be some kind of superhuman. THE LYNX HAS GIVEN HIM SUPERPOWERS!
It’s a little unreasonable that she doesn’t care about his wrecked flat – sort of a self-centred person isn’t she – but when you’re in the zone then you’re in the zone, you know?*
*In this case ‘in the zone’ means off your tits on Florida snow
Lynx High Maintenance Girl
Hey man! I like brunch. Brunch is a nice, light meal; a chance to get some solid food before you start drinking but not so much food that you feel weighed down.
Is it just me or does it seem like there’s a sort of sexual dominance vibe to this relationship? It seems like if he doesn’t get her purse open then she’ll chain him up and whip him when they get home. She seems to be actually turned on by how he picks up the dog poop (remarkably large amount of poop from such a small dog – also that’s not a Chihuahua like the narrator says in the shorter version of the advert). I just hope she keeps her fetish away from her tiny, vulnerable dog.
I guess the Lynx shower gel keeps him fresh while he’s struggling with bags and what appears to be some awfully ugly wallpaper…? Or the shower gel covers the smell of dog crap. Either way that’s pretty great.
Lynx Sporty Girl
There’s nothing like a bit of slapstick tennis to turn a girl on.
Ug dominate opponent, so Ug have sex in changing room! Quick, Ug grab other woman too! Ug steal many trophies this day!
Actually, I take it back. This one certainly also has a strong sexual-dominance vibe – possibly stronger even than High Maintenance Girl – but it’s not coming from the man. She’s already trying to figure out how to tie him to the pipes in the steam room and have aggressive, semi-violent sex like something out of Goldeneye.
The Lynx shower gel probably prevented his disgusting body odour from repelling her. On the other hand she may be the sort of athlete who enjoys the salty, earthy smell of male exertion. Lynx may have ruined it for her.
Lynx Flirty Girl
At first he seems completely downtrodden but he’s rewarded with the chance of group sex! It’s true what they say! The meek SHALL inherit the Earth!!
In that situation I’d have drunk the drink, of course – everyone knows there’s a holding-your-cocktail tax which means the caretaker gets to taste it. The same does not apply to beer or wine, of course.
She’s nearly my favourite. Do I need to tell you why? Flirty Girl is in control of her own interactions and you can’t tell her what to do, but she also ditched the weird lothario dude and wants to have sex with you and that random blonde girl. She’s independent but she also has great judgement and social skills. Also, is it just me or are her breasts like, impossibly perky?
I’m not sure what the Lynx is achieving here. Both him and his shower gel are completely passive in this situation.
Lynx Brainy Girl
She’s my absolute favourite. You can tell she’s brainy/geeky/a nerd because she’s wearing glasses. Smart people always have poor vision and never wear contacts. I’m getting the weird vibe in this advert that she’s oblivious to how he wants into her pants. I’d hope it would take more than a few fake attention-tears to seduce her but intelligence doesn’t always equal having good taste in men.
From the flier in her hand it seems like they’re watching Oedipus. It’s an ancient Greek myth about a guy who unknowingly kills his father and marries his mother. He has four kids with her. Later he finds out the truth and everything goes horribly wrong (more horribly). I’m simplifying it but trust me it’s not boring. Ten minutes on Wikipedia would have told him the same thing.
Wait… I’m not sure the play is over when he starts applauding. At that point Brainy Girl should be asking herself, “Who cries about Oedipus? Sure it has the scope for some emotional acting but try not to identify too much with him, you know? Or… is he giving a standing ovation to the idea of having sex with his mother? Because he was very eager to applaud. It seems he’s an idiot. Maybe I’ll dump him for that guy who writes that blog!”
The ‘original language’ described by the narrator would be ancient Greek from centuries before Jesus. Nobody knows what that might sound like so it’s either an impressive achievement or an elaborate, time-wasting bluff. If they really did stretch it out to seven hours (possibly by performing the whole series of Oedipus plays) then this is just indulgent – why perform the plays in the ancient Greek language when they’re clearly not employing ancient Greek theatre style? I’d still happily watch the show but I’d need a lot of theatre-booze and a reserved toilet cubicle for the intervals... oh hey, that’s right, we were talking about shower gel adverts! Now I kind of want to see this seven-hour Oedipus play. I hope somebody good is playing Tiresias.
Brainy Girl, have you met Flirty Girl? I think you two would get on very, very well…
This is all quite refreshing in a way since the men are spending time with the object of their affections, doing activities together, sacrificing their comfort and energy, expressing an interest in their hobbies, etc. Of course they’re still doing it specifically to get laid and the women are still stereotypes but hey, baby steps.