Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Mazuma Mobile - The Terrible Truth

Mazuma is a service that will buy your ‘old’ phone when you can’t sell it to your friends or the local dodgy phone shop. Their mascot is a little red creature that is adorable and also incredibly irritating to look at. Just look at that asshole's little face:

mazuma, mazuma mobile, mobile, mascot, mazuma mobile mascot, phone service
So pleased with itself

I want to just gently pick it up and snuggle it against my face, possibly with a tiny eskimo kiss. But I also can’t stand to look at its smug expression. I share these conflicted emotions with the actors in their adverts, which is good since they’re forcing their cute little pal into an envelope and selling it to the unknown. What awaits beyond the envelope? Slavery? Violence? Death? Should you feel bad for the poor little asshole? Find out more after the click.

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Zombies vs Nuclear Power - How To Survive

Like you, I have a Zombie Plan. It’s very interesting what your plan can sometimes say about you. Some people want to kill themselves immediately to avoid the trauma and constant burden of hardcore survival. If they’re running zombies then even I will admit this is a strong Plan B. Some people want to head north and wait for the zombies to freeze. Some want to head south where it’ll be warm and fertile. Some just want to go zombie-hunting. Some want to loot. Some want to seal themselves underground in a nuclear fallout shelter. Some want to find a blimp and coast breezily over the apocalypse.

Yes this seems feasible

Those people in the fallout shelter might have the right idea. The other day someone pointed out to me that nuclear power plants require constant attendance. Otherwise within two weeks, the coolant will have evaporated. That’s an important component. Without it, people start using words like ‘radiation poisoning’ and ‘disaster’ and ‘meltdown’. There are currently nine active nuclear power plants in the UK.

After the break, we’ll see how this factor can be included in the Zombie Plan.

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Adverts for World Cup 2014

I’m back! If anyone cares, the years of silence were because I went to space. For years. Yeah, it was a pretty big deal. They made me their king. You probably didn’t hear about it in the mainstream media. Anyway, I was called back to planet Earth because someone wrote this on Facebook:

Identity redacted in a fetching puce/violet shade

So, due to the overwhelming popular demand of one person, after the page break we’re gonna kick things off by looking at some of the adverts for the upcoming 2014 World Cup in Brazil! Get it? KICK things off? HA! Still got it.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Fantastic Future Factories - Cereal & SIM Cards

There is a massive hole in your knowledge, and mine. None of us really know where stuff comes from any more. At best a label can tell us the nation of origin, but how does that help us? This was especially obvious a while ago when there was a big news story about horse meat in supermarket lasagne. A lot of people said that the consumers shared the blame. We had been warned for years that food hygiene standards were unreliable in low-budget, planet-wide food systems – then we were shocked to find out what that meant. But if you can’t believe in a faceless international conglomerate, who can you believe in? I am literally asking if there are any brands we can truly trust.

Luckily, several companies have done something revolutionary. In the interests of transparency, they have produced 30-second adverts that show exactly what conditions are like in their main factory. It turns out everything is much more like Willy Wonka’s factory than we ever suspected. Let’s take a look at them after the click.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Worst Recent Car Advert – Motherhood & Fatherhood

After a brief absence (I will never write a 4-part post ever again) there are some new adverts to talk about. The most memorable are two for the Fiat 500L entitled ‘Fatherhood’ and ‘Motherhood’. You may have seen them already without even realising, but that only means their influence has been insidious.

After the click we’ll get depressed about parenting because apparently that sells cars.


Wednesday, 10 April 2013

British Tourism Part Four - England

So we finally reach the final part of my British tourism overview. It’s been a long journey and honestly I’m glad it’s over. This has taken far, far longer than I ever wanted it to. I covered Wales in PartOne, Scotland in Part Two, Ireland in Part Three. Now at last we come to England, and there’s more stuff in England so it might take a little while longer. More land, for a start. But soon we’ll be done and I can go back to talking about underrated films and being funny about adverts. This has been uninteresting but at the same time I wanted to finish what I started.

If we want to talk stereotypes then good grief, England has dozens of them. We get new ones every decade for each county. Of course we also have the classics like the old image of a fat & grumpy white guy with a downturned mouth, gravy dribbling down his many chins onto his Union Jack waistcoat, a bulldog under one arm and a newspaper under the other.

Yep, exactly like this

But like I said, we’ve also got so much more stuff here. After the click we can find out about a lot of it: the festivals, the castles, the theme parks, the museums, the landscapes and of course the various cities like London – one of the greatest loves of my life.


Sunday, 13 January 2013

British Tourism Part Three - Ireland

We all know the Republic of Ireland isn’t part of the United Kingdom – only Northern Ireland is still part of ‘the Kingdom’ as the kids call it. However, the whole body of land is still part of the British Isles which is why I’m counting Northern Ireland and the Republic as a single item on the list. No, you can’t stop me. Like it or not, enemies or friends, we’ll always be neighbours. Part One was Wales and Part Two was Scotland, and now we reach Part Three: Eire! Hibernia! Ogygia! The isle of Mists, the isle of Emeralds: Ireland.

Needless to say, the first person who cracks a leprechaun joke is going to be the least popular concussion patient in any of the Dublin hospitals.

sexy leprechaun irish tourism
No! I said NO!

You’ll need a passport to travel between the Kingdom and the Republic, but apparently the border guards will accept a driving license if you’re a local who’s driving or taking the ferry. After the click, amongst the giants, druids and stout* I’ll surprise you with some dolphins.

*stout is a type of beer

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