Like you, I have a Zombie Plan. It’s very interesting what
your plan can sometimes say about you. Some people want to kill themselves
immediately to avoid the trauma and constant burden of hardcore survival. If
they’re running zombies then even I will admit this is a strong Plan B. Some
people want to head north and wait for the zombies to freeze. Some want to head
south where it’ll be warm and fertile. Some just want to go zombie-hunting. Some
want to loot. Some want to seal themselves underground in a nuclear fallout
shelter. Some want to find a blimp and coast breezily over the apocalypse.
Yes this seems feasible
Those people in the fallout shelter might have the right
idea. The other day someone pointed out to me that nuclear power plants
require constant attendance. Otherwise within two weeks, the coolant will have
evaporated. That’s an important component. Without it, people start using words
like ‘radiation poisoning’ and ‘disaster’ and ‘meltdown’. There are currently nine
active nuclear power plants in the UK.
After the break, we’ll see how this factor can be included
in the Zombie Plan.
I’m back! If anyone cares, the years of silence were because
I went to space. For years. Yeah, it was a pretty big deal. They made me their
king. You probably didn’t hear about it in the mainstream media. Anyway, I was
called back to planet Earth because someone wrote this on Facebook:
Identity redacted in a fetching puce/violet shade
So, due to the overwhelming popular demand of one person,
after the page break we’re gonna kick things off by looking at some of the
adverts for the upcoming 2014 World Cup in Brazil! Get it? KICK things off? HA!
Still got it.
Lactose intolerance is when someone can’t properly digest
lactose, a sugar found in milk, because they lack a specific enzyme. I too lack
that enzyme, along with an increasingly large amount of the global population. So
you can imagine how much attention I’ve been paying to Cravendale milk,
produced by Arla Foods UK Ltd. Hint: It’s less than one. But it turns out I’ve
been missing out on a bit of a phenomenon. A phenomenon of random-ass and
adorable stuff.
For several years, Cravendale used a trio of Cow, Pirate and
Cyclist to promote their filthy white gold. But eventually the time came to
retire these strange stop-motion figurines, which was a sad day:
But don’t feel too sad, friends. After the click we can find
out about the Cravendale cats – everybody knows the internet loves cats!
When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic,
fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific,
communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, extra-terrestrial organisation dedicated to global exploitation,
domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret
organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic
books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements,
especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.
The Freemasons do exist but they’re also
irrelevant
Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to
show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though
because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret
global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.
This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important
conspiracy funds
In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such
Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of
evidence:
Wagon Wheels are great. For those of you who don’t know or
if you’re diabetic, you’re seriously missing out. A Wagon Wheel is a biscuit,
marshmallow and chocolate disc made out of deliciousness.
They also sometimes have jam or caramel
inside. Seriously
The new promotion campaign, involving almost every element of social media, is based on how aliens are controlling you via these Wagon Wheels. Read more after the click!
When you’re famous and instantly recognisable (like me) then one of the ways you can support your expensive tastes and habits (drinking glacial melt-water and having sex with tigers) is endorsing products. You can sell not just your body, but also your face, name and/or voice.
Follow the click to hear about Mr T, JLS, Sylvester Stallone, Mikhail Gorbachev, zombies and SO MANY OTHERS!
Walter Elias Disney has some of the most controversial and hotly contested biographies. This is weird considering he’s hardly Stalin or Jesus. If you really want to piss off a Disney biographer, claim he was a Nazi. Hell, it’s even one of my pet peeves, and I’m far from a serious academic. A major source of contention amongst Disney historians is not whether his head was frozen (spoilers: it wasn’t) but where exactly this urban legend came from.
Wait... that's not Disney!
Almost all of the biographers agree that the urban legend about his cryogenically frozen head is a myth. (I say almost all because there’ll always be a fringe of extreme conspiracy theorists – Illuminati-botherers who believe Walt was a lizard man from space, shape shifted into a human form to brainwash our children and steal the brains of our leaders).
The first cryogenically preserved man was frozen a month after Disney died. Maybe this helped fuel the idea. Incidentally, we have yet to develop the ability to bring these corpse-sicles back from the dead, and until we do there’s probably no way to really tell how useful cryogenic freezing is. Until I see a revived subject in the adverts for cryogenics, smiling and saying ‘How refreshing!’ I will doubt the effectiveness of the procedure.
The privacy surrounding Walt Disney’s death has only fuelled speculation. One of the things people love to repeat is that after he died, his family waited three days to announce his death to the public. Obviously they just wanted time to grieve before the media circus started, but it looks suspicious from a certain (paranoid) angle. What does a three-day news delay have to do with cryogenics anyway? Is it one of the secret signs? Is there a three-day ritual that mustn’t be interrupted? If so, then science is stranger than I thought.
Disney was certainly capable of planning big, and a major Futurist. EPCOT was intended to be a revolutionary new city. For example, this short film was made shortly before Disney’s death, and goes on and on and on about how great EPCOT will be. For twenty whole damn minutes! It’s the kind of corporate propaganda film that clichéd supervillains can only dream about:
Personally, I can’t watch that film without imagining all the ways it could go wrong, but that’s because my head is full of twisted utopias like Bioshock’s Rapture, the Breen nation from Aeon Flux, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, the civilization from Logan’s Run and dozens more. “Welcome to EPCOT, the utopia designed by Disney’s very own Imagineers! Just one rule: you only eat what you kill. Take my advice – find shelter before sunset or the Mouseketeers will catch your scent. Stay out of the centre of the city, that’s where they nest.”
Anyway, planning a city is pretty eccentric, but some people credit Walt with much more eccentric ideas. They say he planned far ahead in his city’s future, laying down plans for an entirely immortal population. They say he intended the city to outlast the Earth itself, and go floating off into space. As with any powerful man, you can imagine all kinds of crap about them.
Disney's father?
But he didn’t freeze his brain. The real secret of Walt Disney’s head is the lesson it teaches us: some academics will become furious, cold-hearted and spiteful monsters over the most petty and irrelevant issues. Historians and researchers studying his life go crazy when an opposing opinion is voiced, and they will tear each other’s work apart with accusations of being sensationalist, groundless and unfair or sanitised, white-washed, corporate sellouts. The question of who first suggested that Walt Disney cryogenically preserved his head is a good example of this: a massive amount of people don’t care, but a select few will probably fight to the death over it if ever trapped in the same room. In this way, it’s probably also a good example of most arguments anywhere on the internet.
Dear Disney historians and aficionados, let’s stop arguing about who has the bigger brain-dick. Instead let’s address the question we all ought to be asking: What happened to Kennedy’s brain? Answer: SHAPE SHIFTING SPACE LIZARDS!
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