Warning: this blog post is all about flowers. Pretty,
harmless and aromatic flowers. It also involves half-naked men with their
bulging shoulders, glistening chests and abs so sculpted you could grind meat
on them:
Which demographic do you imagine this is aimed
at?
It’s a shame they all look quite goofy and awkward but just look
at the biceps of that one at the back, in the knee high shorts and the
wellington boots. And the guy on the right with the curly hair? With the slight
stubble and shoulders so broad he could be used as a raft? Wait, what was I
talking about? Something about flowers? Alright, fine, after the click let’s
start talking about flowers or whatever.
Make a selection from this buffet of
nameless sex objects!
Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a
quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of
which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty
hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.
Sex. Sexy, sexy sex! Some call it shagging; others call it
‘making the beast with two backs’; almost no one calls it ‘dancing the f**k
fandango’ but they should because that’s hilarious. Since mankind realised they
could represent concepts with symbols, some of those symbols have been about
dancing the f**k fandango. Who can blame them?
Cave men loved big butts, they could
not lie
Read more about three of everyone's favourite subjects - sex, video games and sex in video games - right after the click!
For years the Lynx adverts had a predictable, recognisable motif. But for a little while it was undermined. We’ll get to that later. This is the archetype: a man sprays Lynx deodorant on himself and becomes irresistible to women. They swarm towards him like a terrifying blend of ravenous wolves and starving locusts. For example in this 1-minute advert from 2006 where women literally cross forests, mountains and oceans in their bikinis, summoned by the stench of deodorant:
I bet that advert was a lot of fun to film.
There's more realistic adverts after the click - but not much more realistic.
In 1989, nine years after the iconic Flash Gordon was released, the universe briefly twisted into a vortex of evil before snapping back into place like nothing had happened. But something had happened. Something had crossed into our dimension from... elsewhere, and it was Flesh Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders.
So 80s
Yeah, nostalgia about the 80s is fun. But this was 1989 – the year the 80s came to die. This is the film that buried the bodies:
As you can see, we're in for quite an interesting experience after the click.
There, now that song will be in your head for hours. If you don’t know it, then you’ve never seen the epic glory that is Flash Gordon. He’s the saviour of the universe:
You too can forever emblazon your camp science fiction opera on the minds of everyone with the magical music of Queen. Just ask Ben Elton! You can read all about it after the click.
Project Trident is a film-making collective in the South East of England. They’re a (very) independent collection of zero-budget film-makers, but my favourite part of their site is the procedural generator of B-movie film titles. Here:
Every time you click refresh, it’ll bring you a new, exciting-sounding movie title. It’s one of my favourite internet toys, and I love imagining the movies that the title-generator brings me. Sometimes I’ve loved my own ideas so much, I wrote them down. As a serving suggestion, read them out loud in your best Don LaFontaine voice:
The Skeletal Rippers from the Far Side of Time
Professor Johnson had been developing a wormhole generator. The evening before he was supposed to switch it on, something… went wrong. When his lab assistant and his wife accidentally switch on the generator, something… evilcomes through. From a time of monsters, stick-thin creatures made of calcium arrive through the portal. They’re here… to rip out our skeletons.
The Amazon That Came from the Future
Professor… Gregson, had been developing a wormhole generator. The evening before he was supposed to switch it on, something went wrong. When his lab assistant and his wife accidentally switch on the generator, something… sexycomes through! Now, the Amazonian warrior from a future wasteland has to survive… San Francisco! Expect hijinks aplenty as a geeky lab assistant tries to teach this warrior woman how to be a lady, and learns something about himself along the way. A heart-warming tale of hilarity, lust and time-travel.
(Eventually she goes on a rampage until she’s subdued, King Kong style, forcing us to ask who the real monsters are. Spoilers: it’s probably us.)
Motorbike Skeleton From the Dark Side of Transylvania
In 1954, a Transylvanian biker was speeding along a dark, stormy country road. But he should have known not to refuse a hitchhiking witch! Her curse combined his body with his bike, turning him into a hideous motorbike-man… centaur-looking… monster-thing. Fifty years since he died from the shock, when a US real estate developer tries to build a luxury horror-themed single’s hotel on the site of his death, he awakens the remains of… the MOTORBIKE SKELETON!
Bride of the Robots: A Warning from the Future
In a world where cruel robotic overlords are powered by sex, one woman escapes to the past. Now it’s a race against time, literally. She must kill the man who invented the dildo-powered cybernetic intelligence that conquered the world. With a warning from the future, she is… the BRIDE OF THE ROBOTS!
Lords of the Rippers: The Final Chapter
It’s been twenty years since Professor Johnson’s wormhole generator let the Skeletal Rippers into our time. At first we thought we could fight them. Then we thought we could live with them. Next, governments of the world tried to use them to build empires. Now, in a world ruled by the Skeletal Ripper Overlord, rebellious heroes arise… to fight!
(In the final film of the Lord of the Rippers trilogy, based on the popular Skeletal Rippers franchise, we follow the last moments of the rebels that have fought against the growing tyranny. Finally, in the Overlord’s throne room, we discover that the ruler of the Skeletal Rippers is none other than… PROFESSOR JOHNSON! From the first film, right? Mind = blown! It really ties the whole franchise together)
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