Aquaman - 6 Ways He's Not Crap

I’d like to have a quick conversation about my favourite superhero. I know what you’re thinking. ‘What, the fish guy? The blonde surf-douche with the fruity sequined top? No way!’

 Stop laughing! Look at the whales!

But hear me out. Don’t focus on his time with the super-friends. Even Batman was a little bit crap once upon a time – remember the days when he wore light grey and sky blue? Played by Adam West? The same is true of Aquaman. You just need to appreciate the potential. You don’t even know his real name, do you? You know Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent and maybe even the various names of Robin. Aquaman has two real names. His Atlantean name is Orin. His human name is Arthur Curry, adopted son of a lighthouse keeper. It's all quite confusing.

Read my 100% convincing 6-point argument that proves Aquaman is awesome, right after the click!

Gay Adverts - The Strange Cold War

For the past year or so the advertising industry (in the US especially) has been wading into the fight for gay rights vs the sanctity of marriage or something. Adverts and brands are now banners beneath which armies gather.

Before I talk about homosexual issues I feel like I should qualify my feelings on the subject. Sexuality is like the sea: mysterious, ever-changing, nearly impossible to properly measure, quite polluted and full of sharks.

But if you’re careful you can jump those sharks

If people want to connect themselves to one another in the eyes of some mythical overlord, or in the eyes of the law (also a kind of mythical overlord) then I’m fine with it as long as they put on a good buffet and a free bar. Regardless of whether they’re bride/bride, groom/groom or groom/bride (which isn’t always a reflection of gender anyway) my only question is whether I’m invited. The answer is usually no; everyone is afraid of what I might do when exposed to limitless alcohol. Their lack of faith disturbs me.

There’s no practical reason to deny homosexual couples the same legal rights that heterosexual couples ‘enjoy’, there’s only ideological hyperbole*.

*In a decent thesaurus those two words are synonyms for ‘insane ranting’

With that seriousness out of the way, let’s get to business! Gay business! Hit the jump for some gay business!

LG Eco Homes

It all started with this advert:

This lead me on a short, appalling adventure that you can read about after the click.

Lynx - Sex Up A Stereotype

I’ve already discussed how the sexuality of Lynx is changing – women are no longer purely trophies with no personalities and men are afflicted with premature perspiration. There was almost gender equality in the last one we looked at. Now they’ve grown even closer to human! This is a series of adverts presented as a banner at first:

 Make a selection from this buffet of nameless sex objects!

Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.

Illuminati Olympics - 4 (Stupid) Clues

When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic, fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific, communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, extra-terrestrial organisation dedicated to global exploitation, domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements, especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.

 The Freemasons do exist but they’re also irrelevant

Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.

This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important conspiracy funds

In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of evidence:

Go Compare - Did They Kill Him?

Earlier today the countdown of the Go Compare adverts ended. They had been building up all week to something happening today, and I speculated earlier today that they would kill him - the purposefully vandalised billboard posters and the irritated viewers included at the end of every new advert, along with the countdown, seemed to point to an impending paradigm change. The advert is finally online so I can finally link to it and put you all out of your suspenseful misery.

Either follow this link to check out the theories from earlier in the day or check out the new Go Compare generation:

Now let's just do a quick review and put this all behind us (after the jump in case of spoilers)

Go Compare - Will They Kill Him?

Here's something that might make your day: for the past week or so the Go Compare adverts on TV have been counting down to something. Nobody knows what it is. There's some speculation that they will be retiring their renowned, infamous opera singer Gio Compario.

For essential therapy, print out this image and attach to a punching bag

Seek satisfaction after the click: