Saturday, 14 July 2012

Illuminati Olympics - 4 (Stupid) Clues

When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic, fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific, communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, extra-terrestrial organisation dedicated to global exploitation, domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements, especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.

 The Freemasons do exist but they’re also irrelevant
Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.

This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important conspiracy funds

In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of evidence:




1. THE STADIUM

The Olympic Stadium in London is some pretty unremarkable architecture. I mean, I’m sure the designers and engineers are exceptionally proud of their work, delivered ahead of schedule and under budget. Ask most Londoners what it looks like, though, and they'll shrug indifferently. I never gave it much thought other than how we finally have somewhere to put all the money people. Others looked at the stadium and, in the words of one psychologist, went apes**t crazy. There were triangles everywhere! It's a widely known fact that triangles mean conspiracy. From the US dollar to the various pyramids found around the globe, from the modern Louvre pyramid pictured above to the Bermuda triangle itself: triangles really do mean conspiracy.

Conspiracy theorists HATE Toblerones


2. BIG BEN

I have one minor complaint for what is to come; the name Big Ben does not refer to the clock tower of the Houses of Parliament but actually the BELL in the tower. Bear in mind that this is one of the first things that anyone would discover while researching the clock. Because the destruction of ‘the big ben’ is actually a surprisingly popular prediction for no actual reason. Other than, I mean, look at it. It’s right there.

Several folks reference the images in an Illuminati-themed card game as predictions for the future, since there are a few similarities already ‘established’ and/or because they are insane. It's as if the markers of the card games were aware of the Illuminati plans and are telling us the only safe way they can - via a highly publicised children's card game. Post-9/11, everyone decided the cards had been warning of the the WTC attacks for years. In another one you can see Big Ben being destroyed:

Both are pretty square and… uh… triangles?

Big Ben has a clock face and so does the card. Both are kind of square. Other than that they’re pretty different with completely different fascia and dimensions. The roofs are obviously massively different. If there is a hidden message then that could be any one of two dozen or so clock towers in London.

3. USAIN BOLT

It gets even stupider. Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter with more gold medals and athletic records than you can express in one sentence, has an iconic pose. The Olympic mascots have adopted it too. The mascots have then encouraged schoolchildren to pose that way around the country for various press events. They didn’t give it much effort so the pose was slightly diluted and casual, then the images were sent across the world. Even the most paranoid conspiracy theorists realise this is specious but there have been several articles and videos that draw connections between the pose and the Nazi salute, proving concretely that the organizers have a secret fascist agenda. Which is… well, look: 

 Not very similar. But look at the shape they make! TRIANGLES!

I wish I was making this up.

For some US Americans especially, holding out one hand is instantly suspicious. Never mind that it’s the WRONG HAND, they’d probably say that the left hand is more indicative of something or other. Or maybe just triangles. Again, with a tiny amount of research the conspiracy theorists would discover it’s not a Nazi thing – it’s an inspiringly joyous and talented, black, Jamaican athlete. It’s hard to look at him and imagine he's the puppet of a centuries-old Illuminati world-domination conspiracy.

I mean, he's obviously the puppet of a much more recent world-domination conspiracy...

4. THE LOGO

Lastly, look at the official London Olympic logo and you’ll probably see nothing more than what was intended: the iconic image of Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob. But others have torn the logo apart then lined it up in a different way, thus discovering that it spells Zion:


 Um, just need to jiggle the N a little bit…

The word Zion is quite loaded. Zionists are a recognised political faction who support Israel and anti-Zionism usually refers to wanting a free Palestine. There’s a song called Jerusalem which is one of England’s backup national anthems (everyone needs a few) and it promises that we’ll build Jerusalem on ‘England’s green and pleasant land’. I sang the song at the end of every school term and I still get nostalgic about it. I’ve never heard Stratford being described as green*, and I’ve heard it described as unpleasant quite a lot. It’s almost literally the opposite of where we’re supposedly building Jerusalem.

*Which is unfair since London actually has the most proportional public parkland of any capital city in the world, all of which is enjoyed thoroughly during every last second of sunlight

It’s apparently also on some intersecting ley lines, on a site that was previously declared toxic - as if it was being kept safe especially for this occaision. And did I mention the triangles?

 GOD DAMN YOU TRIANGLES!

My beloved city has enough of its own violent insanity without well-meaning dickheads filling their knowledge-gaps with paranoid fantasies.

All hail Discordia.

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