The Redemption of Ryan Reynolds

When Green Lantern was released, Ryan Reynolds became a pariah because of the awfulness of the film. But does he deserve it? No. 
 

And I’ll tell you why after the click.

Superbowl Advert Recap 2012

It’s only been a day, at the time of writing, since some kind of major sporting event finished in the US. I gather it’s called the Superbowl, and like all major sporting events it involves huge amounts of money floating through the air, invisible, above our heads. It changes hands between sponsors, building contractors, ticket vendors, event caterers, local government, wholesale food warehouses, security firms, media broadcasters, merchandise manufacturers, law firms to arrange and broker these deals and stock-market analysts to analyse the stock-market impact of all these transactions.

I guess there’s also something about some sportsmen doing something on a field with a weirdly shaped ball or something, but it hardly seems relevant at this point. I’m a Brit living in the UK and I don’t even follow proper football or rugby, let alone the infantile, specially-padded offspring of the two.

Nevertheless, all that money zooming around produces ADVERTS! Some of the best adverts ever produced by Western culture, maybe even all of humanity. You can see a collection of this year’s Superbowl Adverts here, but let’s talk about some of the most interesting after the click.

Flesh Gordon II: Cosmic Cheerleaders (NSFW)

FLASH! AH-AAaawww no, not even. Not this time. 

In 1989, nine years after the iconic Flash Gordon was released, the universe briefly twisted into a vortex of evil before snapping back into place like nothing had happened. But something had happened. Something had crossed into our dimension from... elsewhere, and it was Flesh Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders.

So 80s

Yeah, nostalgia about the 80s is fun. But this was 1989 – the year the 80s came to die. This is the film that buried the bodies:

As you can see, we're in for quite an interesting experience after the click.

Flesh Gordon - NSFW, Spoilers, WTF

FLASH! AH-AAA!

There, now that song will be in your head for hours. If you don’t know it, then you’ve never seen the epic glory that is Flash Gordon. He’s the saviour of the universe:

You too can forever emblazon your camp science fiction opera on the minds of everyone with the magical music of Queen. Just ask Ben Elton! You can read all about it after the click.

Wenlock and Mandeville - Olympic Mascot Fallout

Over the course of history, there have been some truly iconic duos: Romeo & Juliet, Laurel & Hardy, Bert & Ernie, Wenlock & Mandeville, and so many others. Wait, what’s that you say? You don’t know who they are? Your ignorance disgusts me. Oh, you meant Wenlock & Mandeville? Never mind then. They’re the Olympic mascots for 2012, and there's no reason you should know who they are.

Remember? These guys? No? Anyone?

No, you haven’t seen them around. Nobody has seen them around. See those little letters on their foreheads? That’s how you tell them apart. W for Wenlock, M for Mandeville. Wenlock is the angry-looking orange thing and Mandeville is the sad blue one.

More after the click!

Paralympic Posters

London is starting to buzz about the Olympics. Well, it has been for a while, but now the buzzing is really loud. I know some folks who have tickets, sure. But now it turns out I also know a few people who are already working for them in some capacity, whether volunteering as crowd control, staffing and catering for their parties and events, helping to build and finish the stadiums, planning the opening ceremony... meanwhile I still don’t have a job… no, no, it’s fine, I just need a moment.

None of them will tell me a damn thing about the opening cermony, obviously. They say they don’t even know, but that’s exactly what they’d say if they did even know!

Yep, money is going to shower down on this city like gold from a rainbow. Then we’re back to being screwed – except no, because that’s when we get my favourite part of the Olympics. The PARALYMPICS!

Hopefully the least offensive possible combination of shapes and colors

After the click let's find out more!

The Toyota Yaris Adverts

Enough long-winded theoretical nonsense about time travel. I have some more adverts to complain about! This time it’s the stupid Toyota Yaris rappers. If you’ve not seen them, then yes – for some reason, there are three separate adverts for the Toyota Yaris that all feature a 30-40 second rap tune. It gets weirder. 

I’ll tell you now I don’t know anything about music, let alone cool music. I know the general history of rap music, from the ‘golden age’ of the 90s to how they added ‘rhythm’ to the blues in a kind of secret underground laboratory sometime during the 20^th century. I also know that a ‘gravel pit’ somehow refers to a lady’s… sex bits…? Probably? But apart from that I’m pretty clueless.

I try to avoid getting too krunk these days, but I still love me some bitches

What I do know is adverts. The beats might be phat, they might be spitting lyrics like lightning for all I know, but that doesn’t sell cars. Also, in all three the singer-rapper-people-folk are cartoons. For some reason. Cartoons. It still gets even weirder, after the click!