Enough long-winded theoretical nonsense about time travel. I have some more adverts to complain about! This time it’s the stupid Toyota Yaris rappers. If you’ve not seen them, then yes – for some reason, there are three separate adverts for the Toyota Yaris that all feature a 30-40 second rap tune. It gets weirder.
I’ll tell you now I don’t know anything about music, let alone cool music. I know the general history of rap music, from the ‘golden age’ of the 90s to how they added ‘rhythm’ to the blues in a kind of secret underground laboratory sometime during the 20th century. I also know that a ‘gravel pit’ somehow refers to a lady’s… sex bits…? Probably? But apart from that I’m pretty clueless.
I try to avoid getting too krunk these days, but I still love me some bitches
What I do know is adverts. The beats might be phat, they might be spitting lyrics like lightning for all I know, but that doesn’t sell cars. Also, in all three the singer-rapper-people-folk are cartoons. For some reason. Cartoons. It still gets even weirder, after the click!
I understand that the Toyota Yaris is aiming for some kind of youth market that can also somehow afford cars. I understand that in order to do that, they must mock other drivers and appeal to the egos and vanity of the target demographic. I think we all understand how we're being manipulated by these people, on some level, even people who really want a Toyota Yaris.
Watch this one. I’d recommend muting it, but that’s up to you:
God that guy is annoying after a while. I quite like the beat though. Anyway, first: a machine that makes pasta? How involved in the process do I have to be? Can I just put the ingredients in before I start the engine and munch on tasty pasta when my journey is complete? Bolognese? Carbonara? God damn Ravioli?!? Hell, you GO gadget man! Your bizarre machine is both useful and delicious! I mean, it looks ridiculously huge and cumbersome like it’ll ruin your handling and suspension, and it doesn’t look like it does ravioli, but that’s a lot of pasta. It’s probably first-gen. I’ll wait for the 4G to come out.
Anyway, the cartoon guy looks like some kind of hallucination, dangling around on the air freshener, messing with the gadget master’s dashboard, taunting the poor stressed-out driver. What the hell, cartoon man? Leave the poor guy alone, he’s got enough going on! AND THERE’S ALSO A PUPPET. What the hell? Are these guys already a thing, somewhere? Like, should I recognise Captain Cartoon-thing and his foam sidekick? Because I have no context for this, and it’s pretty damn surreal.
Oh, and I guess there’s also a gadget in her car too. She feels superior because hers is all-in-one. You can feel superior too, like she does! Until the next generation of in-car gadgets, provided by Toyota, which you'll also have to buy...
Let’s move onto the next one. Yeah, mute it again:
What in the nine hells? OH GOD, WE’RE BEING PURSUED BY GIANT CARTOON FOOD WITH LEGS! I need my damn pills. Please, help me, I think I might be going crazy. ARGH HOLY CRAP MY GIRLFRIEND’S STOMACH IS A HUGE MONSTROUS MOUTH! Mother warned me that all wombs are ravenous monsters, I just thought this girl was different! Now I must kill her like the others.
The expressions on their faces tell such stories. The girl is worried, like she knows her boyfriend has a problem with seeing things (that is not the expression of a hungry, irritable girlfriend). Like she knows her tummy-rumbles are a trigger for his schizophrenic delusions. She tries to pull up her shirt to prove that there’s nothing to worry about, but she can see in his eyes that he’s having visions again. It’s okay though – he’s got a procedure. He's got this. His therapist is on speed-dial in every phone he has, even his car device, for just this eventuality. He just needs to hear a reassuring voice and be talked down from the fear. With his last measure of self-control he dials up… restaurants?!? Oh god, he’s going to throw her lifeless body into a restaurant dumpster, where no one will notice the smell of blood and rotting meat!! RUN YOU POOR WOMAN! JUST DIVE OUT OF THE WINDOW!!
There’s one last advert we need to conquer. It’s less… terrifying, but it’s also much more manipulative:
See, this one is a bit better. I’m not terrified for anyone’s life, which is a start. The guy has a UK accent while the others have all been from the US. Having grown up with UK garage, I prefer that. I like how he sarcastically calls the 4x4 driver clever before we're even really paying attention. The 4x4 driver is clearly a dick: he’s a banker in a ridiculously huge car! He even looks exactly like a banker with that haircut, that shirt and that tie. Ha, yeah, stick it to the man! You stole that parking spot (he would never have fitted into) with smarts! I mean, not your own smarts, but certainly somebody's! The lyrics are pretty catchy, the beat is light but funky and they’re piling on everything – a heavy autotune bit, the old hey-ho, they have some kind of cartoon ghetto-blaster, they even have a bit on the moon where the music fades out so you can have some peace to appreciate how ridiculous the 4x4 is… my god, this is actually a good advert!
They even have their token sexy chick riding a huge truck like one of those rodeo rides! I think I love this
Compared to the others, I mean. Compared to the psychologically-worrying nightmares? Yes, this is preferable. But still, the cartoons and rap music aren’t going to make me splash out on a damn car. I need to know miles per gallon, safety statistics, user reviews and price depreciation comparisons. In fact… the only people who seem interested in this car are… are cartoons!
Cartoons have infinite fuel and they can peel themselves off the pavement even though they’re squeezed flat like a tube of toothpaste. As much as I wish it, I am not a cartoon. I like spanners and wrenches and tools – I like to work on my car, feel the metal in my hands with rust and erosion and decay. I need a real car, for the real world. I can get a catalytic converter fitted on my own, thanks, or maybe I'll Google how to adapt it for biofuel. In fact, my ideal car might be something like this:
Something like this. But not this. I appreciate being able to see forwards
I’m probably not the target demographic for the Yaris adverts. It's really very hard to figure out who might be.