9 Methods of Immortality - How to Survive Them

There are lots of forms of immortality. Humanity loves to think and dream about it above all else. This might be motivated by fearing the oblivion that awaits us when our bodies finally succumb to destruction or inevitable entropy, but once you get past that there’s also the inconvenience. I want to see this crazy ride through to the very end, whether that’s nuclear genocide next week or transcending the material plane a billion years from now. I also want to see everything that comes afterwards, like in that Future Is Wild show. Indeed, being alive is like watching an incredible TV series with dozens of characters that I really care about but knowing that I’ll probably die before I find out how it all ends.

Naming no names…

Of course, for preference I’d rather witness all of human history with a time machine. I could skip all the waiting around for the future to happen and also witness the past too. But if my only option is the slow way then I’ll take it. So let’s have a quick chat about the various slow ways, after the click!

Cravendale - The Cows and The Cats

Lactose intolerance is when someone can’t properly digest lactose, a sugar found in milk, because they lack a specific enzyme. I too lack that enzyme, along with an increasingly large amount of the global population. So you can imagine how much attention I’ve been paying to Cravendale milk, produced by Arla Foods UK Ltd. Hint: It’s less than one. But it turns out I’ve been missing out on a bit of a phenomenon. A phenomenon of random-ass and adorable stuff.

For several years, Cravendale used a trio of Cow, Pirate and Cyclist to promote their filthy white gold. But eventually the time came to retire these strange stop-motion figurines, which was a sad day:

But don’t feel too sad, friends. After the click we can find out about the Cravendale cats – everybody knows the internet loves cats!

That Damn Wall - The Awful Time Cop Method

Yep, I said ages ago that I’d talk about Time Cop and now I’m going to. Here’s a trailer for Time Cop voiced by none other than The Voice himself, Don LaFontaine!

Read more after the click!

Aquaman - 6 Ways He's Not Crap

I’d like to have a quick conversation about my favourite superhero. I know what you’re thinking. ‘What, the fish guy? The blonde surf-douche with the fruity sequined top? No way!’

 Stop laughing! Look at the whales!

But hear me out. Don’t focus on his time with the super-friends. Even Batman was a little bit crap once upon a time – remember the days when he wore light grey and sky blue? Played by Adam West? The same is true of Aquaman. You just need to appreciate the potential. You don’t even know his real name, do you? You know Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent and maybe even the various names of Robin. Aquaman has two real names. His Atlantean name is Orin. His human name is Arthur Curry, adopted son of a lighthouse keeper. It's all quite confusing.

Read my 100% convincing 6-point argument that proves Aquaman is awesome, right after the click!

Gay Adverts - The Strange Cold War

For the past year or so the advertising industry (in the US especially) has been wading into the fight for gay rights vs the sanctity of marriage or something. Adverts and brands are now banners beneath which armies gather.

Before I talk about homosexual issues I feel like I should qualify my feelings on the subject. Sexuality is like the sea: mysterious, ever-changing, nearly impossible to properly measure, quite polluted and full of sharks.

But if you’re careful you can jump those sharks

If people want to connect themselves to one another in the eyes of some mythical overlord, or in the eyes of the law (also a kind of mythical overlord) then I’m fine with it as long as they put on a good buffet and a free bar. Regardless of whether they’re bride/bride, groom/groom or groom/bride (which isn’t always a reflection of gender anyway) my only question is whether I’m invited. The answer is usually no; everyone is afraid of what I might do when exposed to limitless alcohol. Their lack of faith disturbs me.

There’s no practical reason to deny homosexual couples the same legal rights that heterosexual couples ‘enjoy’, there’s only ideological hyperbole*.

*In a decent thesaurus those two words are synonyms for ‘insane ranting’

With that seriousness out of the way, let’s get to business! Gay business! Hit the jump for some gay business!

LG Eco Homes

It all started with this advert:

This lead me on a short, appalling adventure that you can read about after the click.

Lynx - Sex Up A Stereotype

I’ve already discussed how the sexuality of Lynx is changing – women are no longer purely trophies with no personalities and men are afflicted with premature perspiration. There was almost gender equality in the last one we looked at. Now they’ve grown even closer to human! This is a series of adverts presented as a banner at first:

 Make a selection from this buffet of nameless sex objects!

Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.