When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic,
fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific,
communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, extra-terrestrial organisation dedicated to global exploitation,
domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret
organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic
books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements,
especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.
The Freemasons do exist but they’re also
irrelevant
Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to
show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though
because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret
global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.
This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important
conspiracy funds
In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such
Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of
evidence:
1. THE STADIUM
The Olympic Stadium in London is some pretty unremarkable
architecture. I mean, I’m sure the designers and engineers are exceptionally
proud of their work, delivered ahead of schedule and under budget. Ask most Londoners what it looks like, though, and they'll shrug indifferently. I never gave it much
thought other than how we finally have somewhere to put all the money
people. Others looked at the stadium and, in the words of one psychologist,
went apes**t crazy. There were triangles everywhere!
It's a widely known fact that triangles mean conspiracy. From the US dollar to the various pyramids found around the globe, from the modern Louvre pyramid pictured above to the Bermuda triangle itself: triangles really do mean conspiracy.
Conspiracy theorists HATE
Toblerones
2. BIG BEN
I have one minor complaint for what is to come; the name Big
Ben does not refer to the clock tower of the Houses of Parliament but actually
the BELL in the tower. Bear in mind that this is one of the first things that
anyone would discover while researching the clock. Because the destruction of
‘the big ben’ is actually a surprisingly popular
prediction for no actual reason.
Other than, I mean, look at it. It’s right there.
Several folks reference the images in an Illuminati-themed
card game as predictions for the future, since
there are a few similarities already ‘established’ and/or because they are insane. It's as if the markers of the card games were aware of the Illuminati plans and are telling us the only safe way they can - via a highly publicised children's card game. Post-9/11, everyone decided the cards had been warning of the the WTC attacks for years. In another one you can see Big Ben being destroyed:
Both are pretty square and… uh… triangles?
Big Ben has a clock face and so does the card. Both are kind of square. Other than that they’re
pretty different with completely different fascia and dimensions. The
roofs are obviously massively different. If there is a hidden message then that could be any one of two dozen or so clock towers in London.
3. USAIN BOLT
It gets even stupider. Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter
with more gold medals and athletic records than you can express in one
sentence, has an iconic pose. The Olympic mascots have adopted it too. The
mascots have then encouraged schoolchildren to pose that way around the country
for various press events. They didn’t give it much effort so the pose was slightly
diluted and casual, then the images were sent across the world. Even the most
paranoid conspiracy theorists realise this is specious but there have been
several articles and videos that draw connections between the pose and the Nazi
salute, proving concretely that the organizers have a secret fascist agenda. Which
is… well, look:
Not very similar. But look at the shape they make! TRIANGLES!
I wish I was making this up.
For some US Americans especially, holding out one hand is instantly suspicious. Never mind that it’s the WRONG HAND, they’d probably say that the left hand is more indicative of something or other. Or maybe just triangles. Again, with a tiny amount of research the conspiracy theorists would discover it’s not a Nazi thing – it’s an inspiringly joyous and talented, black, Jamaican athlete. It’s hard to look at him and imagine he's the puppet of a centuries-old Illuminati world-domination conspiracy.
For some US Americans especially, holding out one hand is instantly suspicious. Never mind that it’s the WRONG HAND, they’d probably say that the left hand is more indicative of something or other. Or maybe just triangles. Again, with a tiny amount of research the conspiracy theorists would discover it’s not a Nazi thing – it’s an inspiringly joyous and talented, black, Jamaican athlete. It’s hard to look at him and imagine he's the puppet of a centuries-old Illuminati world-domination conspiracy.
I mean, he's obviously the puppet of a much more recent world-domination conspiracy...
4. THE LOGO
Lastly, look at the official London Olympic logo and you’ll
probably see nothing more than what was intended: the iconic image of Lisa
Simpson giving a blowjob. But others
have torn the logo apart then lined it up in a different way, thus discovering
that it spells Zion:
Um, just need to jiggle the N a
little bit…
The word Zion is quite loaded. Zionists are a
recognised political faction who support Israel and anti-Zionism usually refers to wanting a free
Palestine. There’s a song called Jerusalem which is one of England’s backup
national anthems (everyone needs a few) and it promises that we’ll build
Jerusalem on ‘England’s green and pleasant land’. I sang the song at the end of
every school term and I still get nostalgic about it. I’ve never heard Stratford
being described as green*, and I’ve heard it described as unpleasant quite a lot. It’s almost literally the opposite of where we’re supposedly
building Jerusalem.
*Which is unfair since London actually has the most
proportional public parkland of any capital city in the world, all of which is
enjoyed thoroughly during every last second of sunlight
It’s apparently also on some intersecting ley lines, on a site that was
previously declared toxic - as if it was being kept safe especially for this occaision. And did I mention the triangles?
GOD DAMN YOU TRIANGLES!
My beloved city has enough of its own violent insanity
without well-meaning dickheads filling their knowledge-gaps with paranoid fantasies.
All hail Discordia.
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