tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4229771146072402622024-03-12T23:47:56.547+00:00One Click Too Many<a href="https://twitter.com/JoshKard0">Now you've ended up here. Follow me back to the world @JoshKard0</a>CommuterXhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17825428182237136811noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-60140725378108976812014-07-01T18:34:00.000+01:002014-07-02T18:35:06.009+01:00Mazuma Mobile - The Terrible Truth<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mazuma is a service that will buy your ‘old’ phone when you
can’t sell it to your friends or the local dodgy phone shop. Their mascot is a
little red creature that is adorable and also incredibly irritating to look at.
Just look at that asshole's little face:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EZ9eGhUa5c0/U7Lp-BwHdvI/AAAAAAAABJw/IE4Gleh9Fc4/s1600/mazuma.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="mazuma, mazuma mobile, mobile, mascot, mazuma mobile mascot, phone service" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EZ9eGhUa5c0/U7Lp-BwHdvI/AAAAAAAABJw/IE4Gleh9Fc4/s1600/mazuma.png" height="220" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>So pleased with itself</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to just gently pick it up and snuggle it against my
face, possibly with a tiny eskimo kiss. But I also can’t stand to look at its smug
expression. I share these conflicted emotions with the actors in their adverts,
which is good since they’re forcing their cute little pal into an envelope and selling
it to the unknown. What awaits beyond the envelope? Slavery? Violence? Death? Should
you feel bad for the poor little asshole? Find out more after the click.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is the general idea:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But there’s no reason for the little red thing to keep
smiling. Look at some of the others:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Poor bastard is being shot out of a cannon! Is it just me or
does it look quite worried before it launches? It certainly looks very unhappy in
the air. And that brief look back, as if in disbelief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before we go any further, I’ll just tell you now: according
to my rigorous research the little red thing is named Maz. The horrors continue
for poor Maz:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In this one, Maz is hauling phones onto a set of magical
scales. The phones then violently explode into coins with a poof of smoke.
Everything seems to be going fine until Maz gets squashed beneath an iPhone as
it descends on a mechanical claw, operated by some unseen master. But if you
think about it, Maz is probably terrified for its existence (life?). Maz is
made <i>entirely of phone.</i> It, like me
when I first watched it, wasn’t sure whether it would explode into money like the
rest of them. That’s why afterwards it looks so happy about merely being buried
under a pile of metal twice its size. And then it flees, never to return to
this murderous device. And what about the mechanical claw? Whoever is running that
thing totally knocked Maz over on purpose in case there might be more coins. It’s not murder if Maz isn’t
technically alive, and think how many coins you’d get from a living-ish phone!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Look at how happy Maz is about just being let out of this drawer. It may have been in that drawer for years:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The drawer is more than a prison. It is Maz’s world. It is
the only space Maz knows, with no light or company. Maz doesn’t have a
time/date setting to check but Maz can feel time passing nonetheless. How can Maz
measure time in a space where nothing ever happens? Has it been seconds? Years?
But Maz knows it is good. There must be a reason for Maz to be here in this
timeless void, but Maz has explored every corner of this space and found no clues. Is it a test? A challenge? Maybe if Maz just waits
patiently then Maz will be rewarded. Maz will just curl up in the foetal
position in the centre of the space and wait patiently, like a good Maz. Maz is good so Maz will be brave, but knowing <i>why </i>would make the waiting so
much OH MY GOD THE DRAWER IS OPEN MAZ WILL KNOW THE TRUTH AT LAST.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is this laptop another test? If Maz can balance upon it,
will Maz be taught the meaning? OH NO MAZ HAS FALLEN. Wait, there on the screen!
Maz intuitively recognises itself. It waves to its kindly benefactor, the
gatekeeper of the drawer, happy to be discovering the world at last. Is this envelope
another test? Oh, but it’s so much smaller and darker than even the drawer was.
This feels like a worse situation, and Maz was so happy to briefly feel the sunlight. Maz loves the huge
space, the smell of coffee and orange juice and possibly toast. Maz hesitates. But Maz has been
good for so long in the darkness, and if Maz isn’t good now then all that time
in the drawer will have been for nothing! So Maz climbs into the envelope. Like
a puppy into an airtight sack. We never see Maz again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don’t feel too bad for Maz though because now we come to the
other side of the coin. The part where you want to punch Maz in the bloody
face:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That was annoying, wasn’t it? Imagine seeing that
everywhere, both TV and online, for weeks at a time. When people compile lists
of annoying adverts, this has regularly been voted into the top ten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It doesn’t even make any sense! They’re singing the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw0zZttfUaw" target="_blank">Oompa Loompa song from the old Willy Wonka film with Gene Wilder</a> hence the backup
dancers being in those little uniforms. But <i>why?!</i>
I have never associated chocolate factories (nor slightly creepy dirge-like moral
anthems for children) with phones in any way. Sometimes advertisers try to invoke an atmosphere of whimsy to make us act impulsively, like a child - such as when they have all those brightly coloured backlit bottles behind the bar in a club, because it looks like some kind of dazzling heavenly sweet shop. Is that what they're doing here? But it's hard to act on a whim when there are forms to fill out and several days to wait for deliveries.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Look at this image:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lRPY3jCh6_s/U7LrGT2pDTI/AAAAAAAABJ4/qWP3VyCx3lc/s1600/maz+the+pupetteer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="mazuma, mazuma mobile, mobile, mascot, mazuma mobile mascot, phone service" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lRPY3jCh6_s/U7LrGT2pDTI/AAAAAAAABJ4/qWP3VyCx3lc/s1600/maz+the+pupetteer.png" height="141" title="" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Weird ain’t it? Their dead eyes, their slack mouths, their identical
movements… The dancers all explode into money at the end but Maz is left
standing. Is Maz some kind of cursed puppeteer? Is this what happened after it was sent away in an envelope? Did Maz arrive in a blank white hell, and slowly worked up to being a commander of the armies of the damned? If so then that guy who put it in the envelope must be pretty nervous right now. What kind of diabolical revenge will Maz seek?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is also Christmas version.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As far as diabolical revenge goes, that might be overkill.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TgqeZf8jXyk/U7LrPmk3s4I/AAAAAAAABKA/-7243MLuOlo/s1600/maz-character-mascot-cartoon1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TgqeZf8jXyk/U7LrPmk3s4I/AAAAAAAABKA/-7243MLuOlo/s1600/maz-character-mascot-cartoon1.png" height="155" width="400" /></a></div>
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Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-6775281930091990822014-06-22T17:15:00.000+01:002014-06-22T17:45:55.728+01:00Zombies vs Nuclear Power - How To Survive<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like you, I have a Zombie Plan. It’s very interesting what
your plan can sometimes say about you. Some people want to kill themselves
immediately to avoid the trauma and constant burden of hardcore survival. If
they’re running zombies then even I will admit this is a strong Plan B. Some
people want to head north and wait for the zombies to freeze. Some want to head
south where it’ll be warm and fertile. Some just want to go zombie-hunting. Some
want to loot. Some want to seal themselves underground in a nuclear fallout
shelter. Some want to find a blimp and coast breezily over the apocalypse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zsg2DG_CGCc/U6b7lLHK1FI/AAAAAAAABHU/GfI3YsxWTCs/s1600/psychedelic+blimp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zsg2DG_CGCc/U6b7lLHK1FI/AAAAAAAABHU/GfI3YsxWTCs/s1600/psychedelic+blimp.jpg" height="243" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes this seems feasible</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those people in the fallout shelter might have the right
idea. The other day <a href="http://www.cracked.com/article_21251_5-things-every-movie-gets-wrong-about-apocalypse.html" target="_blank">someone</a> pointed out to me that nuclear power plants
require constant attendance. Otherwise within two weeks, the coolant will have
evaporated. That’s an important component. Without it, people start using words
like ‘radiation poisoning’ and ‘disaster’ and ‘meltdown’. There are currently nine
active nuclear power plants in the UK.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After the break, we’ll see how this factor can be included
in the Zombie Plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Personally I have two plans. My first plan is fun and dumb:
get myself a blue Mohawk and leather jacket, all the rope I can carry, and
climb from rooftop to rooftop across London above a sea of undead commuters,
raiding all the expensive shops and offices, decorating my nest with all the
sparkly things. This is obviously suicide by stupidity but you can’t deny it’d
be badass. The other plan is my sensible one, and here’s a hint: it’s
boat-oriented. I know how to sail a boat and if it has an engine that’s even
easier. I know how to build a solar still to purify seawater (if I have the
materials). My granddad tried to take me fishing once. After we’re at sea we have
plenty of time to figure everything out, provided we grabbed some how-to books
while we were collecting the rest of our supplies.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XtpC6K9pHeg/U6b72ecaC2I/AAAAAAAABHc/q7rzYUw_06U/s1600/survival+still.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XtpC6K9pHeg/U6b72ecaC2I/AAAAAAAABHc/q7rzYUw_06U/s1600/survival+still.gif" height="307" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Anything is simple when you have the
materials</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But if your plan is to hang around on the land like some kind
of chump, how do we account for the nuclear fallout factor? I’m sure there are
ways to make them safe before they’re abandoned but I’m a big believer in the
old saying: hope for the best, plan for the worst. Maybe there’ll be no
meltdowns at all and it’ll just be the zombies we have to deal with. But what’s
the worst case scenario?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ULqLpGW3Ero/U6b8AcvEW1I/AAAAAAAABHk/tps_lpErgbw/s1600/zombies.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ULqLpGW3Ero/U6b8AcvEW1I/AAAAAAAABHk/tps_lpErgbw/s1600/zombies.png" height="152" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes, worse than this</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.no2nuclearpower.org.uk/old-reactors/chernobyl/chernobyl-fallout-applied-to-the-uk/" target="_blank">This is a handy webpage where you can see a map of the danger zones depending on which reactor has a disaster.</a> They even have various options for wind direction. I don’t fully understand how
they worked it out but setting it to 270 degrees makes much more stuff go red
so that can’t be good. Here’s a few of the various disaster zones:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sweet Jesus Christ. Okay. Don’t panic. I tell you what, these
are all maps of individual power plants’ disaster zones. If we layer them,
maybe we’ll be able to see a safe zone emerge. After all, we don’t know which
ones might go off so let’s stay away from every single one. Maybe there’ll be a
lucky little spot that won’t get touched by any of it. I’m hopeful about the
Welsh border.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OcqshKeCGCs/U6b8PVeItRI/AAAAAAAABHs/nmlCXHzruyk/s1600/disaster+map.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-OcqshKeCGCs/U6b8PVeItRI/AAAAAAAABHs/nmlCXHzruyk/s1600/disaster+map.jpg" height="320" width="201" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">HOLY SHIT</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OH MY GOD. Okay. Oh god. Okay. So… okay. Deep breaths. We
can adapt to this. Let’s not freak out. So the British Isles would be a
zombie-ridden wasteland of boiling nuclear poison. Even if atmospheric
contamination doesn’t get you – meaning the miles-high plumes of radioactive particles
belching out of the ruined structures – then the ecological contamination will.
It’ll get into the groundwater, lakes, rivers and reservoirs. The water around
Chernobyl, for example, is still completely undrinkable even now, thirty
years later. How much bottled water do you think you can carry? Hell, how much
do you think you can <i>find? </i>And canned
food? While being chased by zombies? This just reinforces my sensible boat-plan.
We really gotta leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GLrpPieYHoc/U6b_O__IocI/AAAAAAAABIo/GKEvcPPBfHc/s1600/armageddon+outta+here.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GLrpPieYHoc/U6b_O__IocI/AAAAAAAABIo/GKEvcPPBfHc/s1600/armageddon+outta+here.jpg" height="318" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As much as I believe we can live on the ocean forever, at
some point we’ll probably have to make landfall. The British Isles are off the
menu. So is Europe and Japan. So are large chunks of the USA. It’s easier just
to look at this map:</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xo4SIxSRYew/U6b_VWg6jNI/AAAAAAAABIw/HCnFOiywc40/s1600/world+nuclear+plants.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Xo4SIxSRYew/U6b_VWg6jNI/AAAAAAAABIw/HCnFOiywc40/s1600/world+nuclear+plants.jpg" height="400" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The blue dots are nuclear power stations. Don’t worry about
the red patches, they’re just earthquake zones. No biggie. This makes it pretty
clear where we have to go in my magical miracle boat. Leaving from the UK, our
best bet looks like either Ireland or Norway. Maybe Iceland but from what I
gather it’s already quite desolate. North Africa is also an option but holy
crap it’s really warm down there. The last thing I want after escaping an
undead nuclear apocalypse is to be all sweaty.</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-52759692554678048292014-06-03T21:44:00.000+01:002014-06-03T21:44:43.953+01:00Adverts for World Cup 2014<br />
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I’m back! If anyone cares, the years of silence were because
I went to space. For years. Yeah, it was a pretty big deal. They made me their
king. You probably didn’t hear about it in the mainstream media. Anyway, I was
called back to planet Earth because someone wrote this on Facebook:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SvgXBrZV308/U44vBwkBt0I/AAAAAAAABG4/WOCSNwgUFsA/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SvgXBrZV308/U44vBwkBt0I/AAAAAAAABG4/WOCSNwgUFsA/s1600/blog.jpg" height="45" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Identity redacted in a fetching puce/violet shade</span></i></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, due to the overwhelming popular demand of one person,
after the page break we’re gonna kick things off by looking at some of the
adverts for the upcoming 2014 World Cup in Brazil! Get it? KICK things off? HA!
Still got it.</div>
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I’ve made it clear <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/superbowl-advert-recap-2012.html" target="_blank">before</a> that I’m no sports fan. But the World Cup isn’t sport. It’s religion. It’s art <i>and</i> it’s science. It is love, war, sex
and hate. It is victory and defeat. It’s really, <i>really</i> expensive. There’s so much money you guys. Enough to
motivate <a href="http://revolution-news.com/brazil-fifa-forces-evictions-for-world-cup-police-brutality-rages/" target="_blank">all sorts of crimes</a>.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">ESPN</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Let’s start off with something essential: the exclusion of
the USA. They make a huge deal about their Super Bowl and World Series (despite
not actually involving any of the world) but then they turn around and treat
the World Cup like this:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/92dvjohiOgo?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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The USA cares so little about football (soccer) that they
had to somehow involve sex to sell it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A lot of people really like this advert but it has completely
failed to excite me about the World Cup. It barely has me excited about the
awkward guy. That was a pretty awful date. And she had her little black dress
on and everything! She made an effort! Oh that poor girl. Who the hell even
pours wine like that? Is he drunk? When he smells his breath in the beginning,
is he checking for whiskey vapour? To all young men, for future reference:
being able to make a napkin flower does not make women suddenly blind to how
you frequently hallucinate sports commentators, your obliviousness of personal
boundaries, or your drunken clumsiness. Trust me, nothing will make anyone
blind to that. Everyone can see your shame at all times, spelled out in red
neon above your head. I need a hug.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What are they eating anyway? Is that noodles? Some kind of
potato thing? I saw him eating some salad leaves but that must have been the starter. What were we talking about? Football? Oh right, yeah.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">ADIDAS</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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That’s more bloody like it! Hell yes. Football, the universal
language of the world. Let’s ignore the questionable labour legacy of Adidas
for a second and revel in how the beautiful game connects everyone in the
world. Well, every man. Some men. These men!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Why is that man’s face opening a bag at the end? What has he
discovered that makes him react that way? I’m guessing it’s football-related
but what if it’s like, gold. Or smelly ham. Maybe drugs?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">COKE</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/iBD65xccXVc?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Because after an epic football journey, what you really
crave is a long, cold swig of poison.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I get it. Football is an international phenomenon with
billions of people emotionally invested in it. It transcends borders and unites
cultures. Did you not see Adidas doing that exact same thing just previously,
and also every international football advert since the beginning of time? Let’s
try something new.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">ITAU</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="https://ytimg.googleusercontent.com/vi/_2b1zQRg7BU/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_2b1zQRg7BU&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/_2b1zQRg7BU&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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If you watch that one back on silent it’s like the news
broadcast from an epic apocalypse film:<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Good afternoon, and if you’re just joining us here in the
news room, shocking events have unfolded today that have changed the course of
history, and humanity’s place in the universe. It began at midday in South
America with a series of tremors and flashes of light. As the day progressed,
some kind of gigantic walls apparently <i>grew
</i>out of the ground. These walls perfectly mirrored the border of Brazil. As
night fell, the crests of the walls emitted a bright light and Brazil was
completely wiped from the face of the Earth, replaced with even green grass and
miles-wide white markings. Scientists and military advisors alike all agree
that this can only be interpreted as an attempt by extra-terrestrials to begin
colonising our planet for their own needs, and that we should expect further
attacks upon other countries. Truly this is a dark day for humanity.” <o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">NIKE</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Once again ignoring all the unpleasant details about
sweatshops, I’m going to ruin this for you before you even watch it: pay
attention to the rhythm.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Stressful isn’t it? Enjoy seeing it everywhere!</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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How does this express risk? It absolutely expresses pressure,
don’t get me wrong, but there’s no sense of uncertainty here. Everything is
literally concrete. It builds into a very tense climax. These legends of sport
are put under a lot of pressure, all of the time. They look pissed off about
it. It must be crippling. Argh, just thinking about it is stressing me out.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">NIKE / GUY RITCHIE</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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You may know Guy Ritchie from such films as Lock Stock,
Snatch, being married to Madonna, and Sherlock Holmes. They got him to make a
World Cup advert.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That’s actually pretty good. It has his trademark grit,
masculinity, and even a story arc. This is a triumphant rise to fame and
fortune in a gritty universe. It’s so gritty, he actually spat out a god damn
tooth while he was in the shower. The grittiness makes me think that all the vomit (so much
vomit) is from drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning. The suggestion is that
maybe it’s just nerves getting to him, but that's just his effort to conform to Nike’s
brand-vision. That’s as close as he could come to just blatantly <i>showing </i>the binge drinking, drugs,
prostitution and sexual assault that premier league football in the UK is now
famous for. Seems like the ending is missing though. You know, the tragic one.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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We all know what happens. The clues are all there. I was
expecting it, and it never happened. It would show him getting angrier on the
pitch, antagonistic towards his teammates, and even more reckless in his
personal life. Finally he would take a bottle of Prosecco on the road in his
ridiculous sports car and accidentally drive off a bridge. His injuries would prevent
him from ever playing again. Although he would be found innocent by the courts
because he spent his vast fortune on his legal defence, the tabloids would tear
him apart. His family would want nothing to do with him.
Disgraced, broken and alone, he would finally succumb to despair and hang himself
in the basement of his empty, joyless mansion. The camera would turn away from
him as he makes desperate, dying noises of spasms and choking. We’ll slowly pan
over his framed newspaper clippings, dusty trophies, signed football, etc,
until we see a crayon drawing he did as a child. It would be of himself in a
field with a football and a big smile on his face. Then maybe we’ll fade to monochrome,
watching the green disappear from the scribbles that are meant to be grass, and
then we fade out to black silence.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oops, I just turned this into Citizen Kane.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">THE OFFICIAL SONG</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Oooh! There’s an official song! Sweet!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/TGtWWb9emYI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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Urgh, Pitbull being Pitbull. It’s got all his trademarks.
And Jennifer Lopez. And… that other singer who I don’t know but who is probably
huge in Spanish-speaking cultures. I guess it’s very happy, and very Latin
obviously. Get used to hearing it: this is going to be used in every carnival
parade from now until the end of time. But hey, at least it’s empty and boring
so it’ll be easy to ignore!</div>
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You know, none of these World Cup adverts have made me
particular inspired. Certainly none have taken my mind off the accusations of <a href="http://revolution-news.com/brazil-fifa-forces-evictions-for-world-cup-police-brutality-rages/" target="_blank">forced evictions, police brutality and murder</a>.
I feel like watching football even less than usual. I kind of want to curl up into a foetal position and silently weep
for a while.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-58092792784153933182013-05-24T13:17:00.000+01:002013-05-31T18:44:08.714+01:00Fantastic Future Factories - Cereal & SIM Cards<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There is a massive hole in your knowledge, and mine. None of
us really know where stuff comes from any more. At best a label can tell us the
nation of origin, but how does that help us? This was especially obvious a
while ago when there was a big news story about horse meat in supermarket
lasagne. A lot of people said that the consumers shared the blame. We had been
warned for years that food hygiene standards were unreliable in low-budget,
planet-wide food systems – then we were shocked to find out what that meant. But
if you can’t believe in a faceless international conglomerate, who <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i> you believe in? I am literally
asking if there are any brands we can truly trust.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Luckily, several companies have done something
revolutionary. In the interests of transparency, they have produced 30-second adverts
that show exactly what conditions are like in their main factory. It turns out
everything is much more like Willy Wonka’s factory than we ever suspected. Let’s
take a look at them after the click.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">KELLOGG’S</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let's start with a revealing inspection of the working conditions and environmental impact of the Kellogg's factory. They produce Coco Puffs and other grain-based breakfast-cereal-things that you pour milk over because you haven't realised yet that milk is disgusting and poisonous and like, a day away from being green and powdery.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I had no idea food technology was so advanced. Those talking
animals have iPads and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">jet packs</i>!
Everything is white and clean. There are no barrels of preservatives, fume-belching
chimneys or industrial waste; the entire factory is even encased in a light,
airy biodome in the middle of a lush jungle. The whole process seems very
natural. You could almost believe that grain just naturally turns milk
chocolatey. Maybe one day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">However it’s probably bad industry practise to have a
pipeline directly connecting you to the big evil smoky factory where Croc
works.</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0SMlkQM56rE/UZ9VrP2FyJI/AAAAAAAAA-I/457NNSgesXU/s1600/croc+and+co.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="crocodile coco puffs factory jungle advert" border="0" height="181" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0SMlkQM56rE/UZ9VrP2FyJI/AAAAAAAAA-I/457NNSgesXU/s320/croc+and+co.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">This is where they make those awful plastic clogs</span></i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Croc’s factory is rusty, dark and blocky, and is also literally
on fire. If you keep your wits about you, it’s also visible in the background
during the first second of the advert. This is probably to subliminally
establish very early on that these plastic domes above a waterfall are
massively different to the alternative. Croc even sits in a control room, cut
off from the factory and his workers, while Coco Monkey is clearly a warm and
friendly boss who says hello to his employees. It’s also a very low-risk
environment: Coco says at the beginning that he will never forget the time his
cereal was sabotaged to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">slightly less
rich in fibre. </i>Despite being easily resolved, this was a memorable problem.
His job is so easy that, even unto his dying day, he will always remember the
time he had to push a button.</span>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9C_WTNd-OwE/UZ9V22rk-zI/AAAAAAAAA-Q/92AbTNDjsrU/s1600/solution+button.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="coco puffs advert solution button ipad apple monkey" border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9C_WTNd-OwE/UZ9V22rk-zI/AAAAAAAAA-Q/92AbTNDjsrU/s320/solution+button.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Thank God his training prep<span style="font-size: xx-small;">ared him for this</span></i></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">While some factories may have a suspiciously high amount of
horse meat in their product, you can count on the talking animals at Kellogg’s
to deliver high standards. Unless one of the talking horses falls in.</span>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">NESTLE</span></b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This one is 40 seconds long but it’s much more adorable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s not exactly a sealed biodome above a jungle waterfall,
is it? But on the other hand at least it’s not high-impact industry like Croc’s
factory. I think the only fumes coming out of this factory are the smell of
tea, lavender oil and sensible cardigans. This is basically arts & crafts.
This is grass-roots. Hell, the nanas take such painstaking care of their
production process that Shreddies can even be called artisanal.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I suppose there’s a question of whether these women are
being exploited, but they seem pretty content. If you’re concerned about the
ladies then you can judge for yourself by watching the very extensive
collection of Shreddies Nanas adverts. There is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwZheT69tzI&feature=share&list=UUcF9tOPVHOJVexcjSSB7TTw" target="_blank">a playlist available</a>
but for a flavour of what to expect, check out this 3-minute video about when
the nanas could have been replaced by robots:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">HA! Robots? Producing food! Can you imagine! Look at those
conveyor belts churning out slate after slate of shredded wheat. Like some kind
of… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">production line</i> resulting in
mass-produced, identical, flavourless nutrient-blocks! I’m glad that never
caught on, eh?</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">O2</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What is this? Robots? Robots <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">made of glass</i>? Why aren’t these jobs being performed by sprightly little
grandmas?! WHAT IS THIS?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But then again my own nan doesn’t know what a SIM card is. Obviously
they’re similar in size and shape to a shreddie, which might cause some
unfortunate confusion. Having a shreddie in your phone might not be a disaster
but getting a SIM card in your breakfast would ruin your morning. Unless it was
like a special prize or something I guess. But even then it’s a pretty crappy
special prize.</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HiYhL_8Ne4c/UZ9XIMI4RcI/AAAAAAAAA-g/_LaC_qj2iD8/s1600/sim+card+cereal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="02 advert sim card phone advert glass factory" border="0" height="173" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HiYhL_8Ne4c/UZ9XIMI4RcI/AAAAAAAAA-g/_LaC_qj2iD8/s320/sim+card+cereal.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>They <span style="font-size: xx-small;">do<span style="font-size: xx-small;"> not look fun</span></span></i></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Anyway, if we have to have robots in the workplace then this
is probably the best place for them. The robots are only organising the SIM
cards by size after the cards arrive in this… distribution centre? But who
knows where the plastic chips were actually made. Maybe the factory is just as
damaging as Croc’s was in the Kellogg’s advert. SIM cards are made from copper
and plastic, which aren’t exactly eco-friendly. They do not occur naturally,
unlike chocolate wheat-shapes or grandmas. There are probably shipping
containers full of SIM cards being moved between continents as we speak, just
to be flung into the intestines of massive glass robo-factories.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">While O2 has literally made their factories transparent, I
feel they missed the basic point.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F7nHQprKLoE/UZ9XjRuiEWI/AAAAAAAAA-o/TaBee1_Jv2k/s1600/02+factory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="02 advert sim card phone advert glass factory" border="0" height="172" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-F7nHQprKLoE/UZ9XjRuiEWI/AAAAAAAAA-o/TaBee1_Jv2k/s320/02+factory.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Time <span style="font-size: xx-small;">for <span style="font-size: xx-small;">tubby bye-byes?</span></span></i></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I think every big company should do films like these. Some
films could even be longer than thirty seconds, and maybe go into detail with
actual data and independent research. If they started aggressively promoting documentaries
about their clean, responsible manufacturing centres then it would be excellent
PR. The only reason they wouldn’t is if their factories are exploitative or
damaging. Unless we see otherwise, can we all just assume things haven’t been
fixed?</span></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-48113144259632395562013-04-11T01:02:00.000+01:002013-04-17T11:54:35.454+01:00Worst Recent Car Advert – Motherhood & Fatherhood<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After a brief absence (I will never write a <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/british-tourism-part-four-england.html" target="_blank">4-part post</a>
ever <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/time-travel-part-four.html" target="_blank">again</a>)
there are some new adverts to talk about. The most memorable are two for the Fiat 500L entitled ‘Fatherhood’ and ‘Motherhood’. You may have seen them
already without even realising, but that only means their influence has been
insidious.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After the click we’ll get depressed about parenting because
apparently that sells cars.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let’s start with ‘Motherhood’ because it’s actually
genuinely funny. It lasts about three minutes:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Man, I’ve watched it a dozen times and I still laugh. It
almost feels like we’re laughing on purpose at the darkness though, because she makes parenthood sound awful<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i></i></span>. If you didn’t notice, during the extensive list of roles at the end
she’s also ‘an orgasm faker’ as if it's just another duty she must perform
along with her various other responsibilities. Even worse she can't drink any wine without going to a book club.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2rDLjrgg_gA/UW5yE2CMdgI/AAAAAAAAA9Q/pZngwq-PLkA/s1600/sticky+laptop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="142" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-2rDLjrgg_gA/UW5yE2CMdgI/AAAAAAAAA9Q/pZngwq-PLkA/s320/sticky+laptop.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I know you're only discovering the world, but now you must go into the punishment hole</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For the record though, I quite like baby news on my Facebook
timeline. Babies are adorable when they’re far away. Aren’t the kids in the
advert cute when they front in the shades?</span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>D'awwwww silly kids, that's not the punishment hole</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let’s talk about the ‘Fatherhood’ advert. It’s quite a
musical shift but you’ll recognise the subject. Yep, it’s kids again. During
the next four minutes, keep an eye out for the subliminal costume changes, the
book club bag, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">try</i> not to get too
depressed:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My god this is the worst advert for parenthood ever. The guy’s
face expresses it all but he includes an explanation just in case. He’s even listening to Radio 4. I’m pretty sure I saw a
version of this where he’s considering a vasectomy, but that could just be my
faulty memory. He’s also driving around all night with his infant children in
the back while sleep deprived, which I’m told is worse than driving while drunk (but that could just be propaganda from the caffeine pills manufacturers...)</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ui0YQW2qru0/UW5zkVeDCxI/AAAAAAAAA9g/w4vY9O-e0OM/s1600/milk+bottle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ui0YQW2qru0/UW5zkVeDCxI/AAAAAAAAA9g/w4vY9O-e0OM/s320/milk+bottle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span><i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Sir, what's in that bottle?</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On the plus side the intervals from his wife are actually
quite melodic and charming, especially with the 80s unicorn. Did you notice the
woman from the Motherhood advert, crossing the street with her ‘Joined a Book
Club’ bag? At 3:06? You might have been distracted by his blonde wig or the
unicorn in the back of the car.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sUCAGvVuLUs/UW5zwIFivyI/AAAAAAAAA9o/GGvx5ERA8_U/s1600/hallucinations.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sUCAGvVuLUs/UW5zwIFivyI/AAAAAAAAA9o/GGvx5ERA8_U/s320/hallucinations.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Seriously, what WAS in that bottle?</span></i></div>
<br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what="">Don’t take any of this the wrong way. The music is really
good for all I know. The production quality is excellent. The parents are
great as actors, as performers and also as parents. The reason for enduring all of
these trials & tortures is that children are precious & magical. You
have never seen the world until you’ve explained things to a child. Parenthood
is one of the most demanding things in life. Telling
the stories of desperately tired parents helps this huge demographic identify
with the brand. With that in mind, I’d like you to answer these questions:</span><br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""> </span><br />
<br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""><span a="" about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" wait="" was=""><span does="" even="" hav="" it="" mpg="" rating="" safety="" span="" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1) What <span style="font-size: small;">car was this about?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""><span a="" about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" wait="" was=""><span does="" even="" hav="" it="" mpg="" rating="" safety="" span="" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">2) <span style="font-size: small;">Wait, since when was this about cars?</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""><span a="" about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" wait="" was=""><span does="" even="" hav="" it="" mpg="" rating="" safety="" span="" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3) MPG? Safety rating? <span style="font-size: small;">A<span style="font-size: small;">nti-lock brakes? How often do<span style="font-size: small;">es the engine block explode, firing the st<span style="font-size: small;">eering c<span style="font-size: small;">olumn through <span style="font-size: small;">your c<span style="font-size: small;">rotch and showering your children with sh<span style="font-size: small;">rapnel & <span style="font-size: small;">gore?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""><span a="" about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" wait="" was=""><span does="" even="" hav="" it="" mpg="" rating="" safety="" span="" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> <br />
<br />
<span about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" was="" what=""><span a="" about="" car="" span="" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;" this="" wait="" was=""><span does="" even="" hav="" it="" mpg="" rating="" safety="" span="" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Back when I was a baby, my parents also used to load me and
my brother into the car and let the soothing rumble of the engine lull us into
sleep. It didn’t matter what kind of car it was. It didn’t even matter that we
drove anywhere – sometimes we just sat in the car and listened to the quiet thunder
of exploding petrol, feeling the vibration without having to pull away from the curb. Over
the years several of my friends who be<span style="font-size: small;">came parents </span>have found that playing drum and bass (or recently
some dubstep tracks) has had the same effect.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y8-meGz0fvE/UW50DyjYaCI/AAAAAAAAA9w/eAaPY5zufnk/s1600/skrillex.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-y8-meGz0fvE/UW50DyjYaCI/AAAAAAAAA9w/eAaPY5zufnk/s320/skrillex.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Let his gentle lullabies sooth your babies to sleep</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This approach has the advantage that you’re not paying
extortionate petrol prices to transport your tiny babies around late at night on
motorways, or skidding around blind corners in dark country lanes, while sleep-deprived.</span></div>
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<![endif]-->Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-82668341403201327352012-10-23T03:49:00.000+01:002012-10-23T04:09:11.359+01:00Enterprise Car Rental - UK vs USA<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Pull up your pants and pay attention. I meant underwear, not
trousers, because I know exactly what you’re doing and it’s not required for
this blog post. See the tricky language barrier that I just played with, between
US English and International English? It’s a cliché that whenever the British
and Americans talk, the subject will come up. And why not? It can be a good
ice-breaker and dialogue improves international relations, as evidenced by the
interactions between Brad and Dave in the adverts for Enterprise UK Car Hire
(aka Enterprise Car Rental).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">No? Well, come on then:</span><br />
<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kTLQsRhMcSw" width="560"></iframe></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">See? Comedy gold! It’s taken the advertising world a
surprisingly long time to make use of this unique dynamic – or at least for it
to register on my limited radar. After the click we can find out more about
this hilarious comedy-duo character-act.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That one up there is the most action-packed. The others are
conversations between the two guys, filmed fly-on-the-wall style, as Brad tries
to get to grips with the crazy concepts that Dave is laying down. I’ve got a
couple of favourites from <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL77B34D0FFF9E5EC2&feature=plcp" target="_blank">the playlist</a> but this is the best one:</span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Speaking as the (casual) supporter of a non-premiership team I have a slight issue with Dave’s definition of ‘real’ football, but other than that the constant confusion is hilarious. That’s humour we can all relate to!
We’re crossing boundaries and challenging ideas and such, right? I mean, I
guess solely about football… not even relevant to car rentals… It’s a very
specific paradigm shift, and it’s been on the books ever since Americans
invented their own strange sport. But it’s certainly still good for a chuckle.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is silly now. I’m left-handed. As a left-handed
supporter of a non-premiership football team I’m starting to feel slightly
victimised. I know it’s just me and this comedy is still universal but us
left-handed non-people make up 10% of the world. That’s a significant chunk of humanity.
If the population was still six billion then there would be 600,000,000 of us,
which is six hundred million. Using the American-defined billions of course. If
we were using the old British billion then that ten percent would be 600,000,000,000
(notice the extra three noughts) which by today’s terminology would be six <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hundred</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">billion</i>. We just increased the population of the Earth by ten
thousand percent and the right-handed people are suddenly in the minority. How
does it feel guys?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Alright, I admit I don’t understand maths. Moving on to the next one:</span><br />
<br /></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZWF5Cf0nhfQ" width="560"></iframe></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">IT’S TRUE! Casualty literally does sound like the word casual, and that’s entirely inappropriate for the function of the department! I know I’ve been being sarcastic, but I honestly didn’t realise that until he pointed it out and now whenever I go in there I’ll be giggling… and suffering from alcohol
poisoning.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wait, I feel like I’m losing the comedy.</span><br />
<br /></div>
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<br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">They’ve involved the Irish too! Silly Americans, they’re
always calling themselves Irish without knowing what the place even looks like!
HA! Like in that stupid video that was edited, entirely unfairly, to make the
Americans seem ignorant. Remember?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By involving the emerald isle in this discussion, suddenly ‘Dave the English Guy’ feels slightly more reinforced. It’s not just him versus Brad anymore! Also that “why aren’t they driving across the nature” crack? Now Dave has the implied sympathies of the environmentalists, even though he works for the same company as Brad, as well as the implied sympathies of the Irish. We all know that in any
disagreement you want to be on the Irish side. History has taught us that much.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Oh god, I’m totally sucking out the humour and ruining the
whole campaign! It’s becoming confrontational! Argh! HUMOUR IS MEANT TO UNITE PEOPLE!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Okay, wait… wait, this one is absolutely hilarious:</span><br />
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That’s so totally us. I mean us like us, not us like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">US</i>. Although it’s also so totally US as
in U.S.A. We’re always being humble and reserved about our aspirations to the
point where they’re not even aspirations anymore, while the Americans are
overblown and ridiculously optimistic. We’re so meek... and unambitious… uninspiring…
under-achieving…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Damn it, I feel awful. Enterprise UK Car Rental, DAMN YOU TO
HELL!!</span></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-61619670953844110422012-10-19T20:52:00.002+01:002012-10-19T21:37:25.071+01:00Vehicles with Faces - Budgie the Little Helicopter<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’ve written before about vehicles with faces, namely <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/normal-0-false-false-false-en-gb-x-none.html" target="_blank">Thomas the Tank Engine vs Tugs</a>. Tugs won although it never enjoyed the same
success. But the work of Clearwater Studios is not the only time people have put
faces on inanimate vehicles. One of my favourite Tex Avery cartoons (and there
are a few) is Little Johnny Jet which is only five minutes long:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KlFRmo37F5w" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Ain’t it weird? Mr and Mrs Plane are shagging like rabbits!
After the click let’s find out more about living planes, trains and cars – and also
about the world’s most annoying helicopter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sadly one of the face-wearing vehicles I remember best is
also one of the most annoying. If you’re around my age or older, and were in
the UK at the time, then you may remember him too. I’m talking about Budgie the
Little Helicopter and if you’re anything like me, the theme tune is already
rattling around in your head. Sorry. Check this out and try not to smash your
fist into the screen:</span></div>
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<br />
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He’s just so unbearably cute and twee! Speaking of which, the bear
is called Snowy. What kind of helicopter carries his teddy around? This can
easily become a matter of life and death! Flying is serious business! Please at least <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">try</i> to act<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>like you’re
taking it seriously.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Budgie was the creation of the Duchess of York, Sarah “Fergie”
Ferguson. Yep, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah,_Duchess_of_York" target="_blank">that Fergie</a>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2wWtBxKVztc/UIGsWlU2OgI/AAAAAAAAAuo/pufIaOzV2Bk/s1600/Sarah-Ferguson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2wWtBxKVztc/UIGsWlU2OgI/AAAAAAAAAuo/pufIaOzV2Bk/s320/Sarah-Ferguson.jpg" width="284" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Whatever you’re now picturing, I put it
there. You’re welcome</i></span></span></div>
</div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She’s written quite a few children’s books and the mandatory
celebrity biography. However, the seven Budgie books were her first. She was inspired
by her flight training in the Royal Navy and even dedicates her work to her
flight instructor. With just three seasons, each with thirteen episodes, it’s
not quite as successful as Thomas the Tank Engine.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Couldn’t they get an adult helicopter to do his job? Shouldn’t
he be going to school and learning all the things a young helicopter needs to
know? Budgie’s catchphrase is ‘rocketing rotors’, and the fact that he has a
catchphrase at all should probably tell you a lot about what he’s like.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What’s with his nose? Why do all the planes and helicopters
have those weird blobby noses? It’s the same in the illustrations for the books,
too; Budgie in particular looks like a helicopter crossed with a cartoon dog.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SLYGiydyxWA/UIGsfCWcc-I/AAAAAAAAAuw/eoQsYZc5BK4/s1600/goofy+vs+budgie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SLYGiydyxWA/UIGsfCWcc-I/AAAAAAAAAuw/eoQsYZc5BK4/s320/goofy+vs+budgie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>See?</i></span></span></div>
</div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In the Tex Avery cartoon at the top of this post it made sense, because the planes they were animating actually had those transparent noses - bombers and fighters and the like. Admittedly it's strange that little Johnny had a blob-nose, but it's not <i>as </i>weird since his face isn't flesh-coloured. Meanwhile, Budgie has freckles and hair! And a hat! And the nose of a dog!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For comparison, let’s take a look at the Bell Jet Ranger 206,
which Budgie is loosely based around:</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NwDVePLZOrs/UIGsnTN6SJI/AAAAAAAAAu4/fnfbn05i804/s1600/Bell+206.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NwDVePLZOrs/UIGsnTN6SJI/AAAAAAAAAu4/fnfbn05i804/s320/Bell+206.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"> Real helicopters are so much cooler</span></i></div>
</div>
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</div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Alright so the nose is a similar sort of structure. But
there’s nothing to suggest that Budgie should have a black blob for a nose. Wait,
I’ve got an idea. I can do a bit of quick photoshopping…</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NcYLPIpo8bU/UIGsuJJO0nI/AAAAAAAAAvA/JQReAuteabU/s1600/budgie+nose.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NcYLPIpo8bU/UIGsuJJO0nI/AAAAAAAAAvA/JQReAuteabU/s200/budgie+nose.jpg" width="193" /></a></div>
</div>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">See? He already looks better.</span></div>
</div>
</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-83326831731447710022012-10-01T18:17:00.001+01:002012-10-01T18:33:16.046+01:00Half-Naked Men With Flowers<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Warning: this blog post is all about flowers. Pretty,
harmless and aromatic flowers. It also involves half-naked men with their
bulging shoulders, glistening chests and abs so sculpted you could grind meat
on them:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1_zeCEg3p5E/UGnOiieanrI/AAAAAAAAAt4/4kBjLTZREro/s1600/flowers+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="flowers men favourite favorite naked muscles chippendale" border="0" height="205" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1_zeCEg3p5E/UGnOiieanrI/AAAAAAAAAt4/4kBjLTZREro/s320/flowers+1.jpg" title="Flowers & Men" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> Which demographic do you imagine this is aimed
at?</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s a shame they all look quite goofy and awkward but just look
at the biceps of that one at the back, in the knee high shorts and the
wellington boots. And the guy on the right with the curly hair? With the slight
stubble and shoulders so broad he could be used as a raft? Wait, what was I
talking about? Something about flowers? Alright, fine, after the click let’s
start talking about flowers or whatever.</span> </div>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Much like the time I wrote about the <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/cravendale-cows-and-cats.html" target="_blank">Cravendale milk adverts</a> despite being somewhat allergic to milk, I also get hayfever. At some
point I should stop writing about stuff I’m allergic to. At this rate I’m
probably also allergic to half-naked male models but I’ve never had the
opportunity to find that out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">With autumn and winter on the way you’d be forgiven for thinking
this isn’t exactly flower season. The Flower Council of Holland would like to change
that. For the next couple of weeks they’re running a campaign to encourage
people (mostly women) to think about broad-chested muscular young men without
shirts and then associate those feelings with flowers. The whole thing revolves around this interactive movie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b> <a href="http://www.funnyhowflowersdothat.co.uk/favouriteflower" target="_blank">Click here to pop over to the interactive movie for a few minutes</a></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It's much better than the <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/lg-eco-homes.html" target="_blank">last interactive advert I reviewed</a> (if that's the right word).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There’s something reassuring about listening to an older
lady perv over younger men. The ‘boys’ are clean-cut and friendly-looking, with
some effort made to give them some simple personality traits. I don’t want to
pick on people for their appearances and of course I’m no oil painting myself
but just look at these two:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E5_g2NgoOF4/UGnPFlo7zkI/AAAAAAAAAuA/K6WcJTgkAYE/s1600/flowers+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="two men handsome naked flowers favourite muscles" border="0" height="166" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E5_g2NgoOF4/UGnPFlo7zkI/AAAAAAAAAuA/K6WcJTgkAYE/s320/flowers+2.jpg" title="Two of the men" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sure they’re sort of handsome looking, but bear in mind they're being helped by
professional lighting and photoshop. What’s really putting me off is that
they just seem so sleazy, more so than the rest of the admittedly-sleazy advert
(which is at least slightly cheeky and twee).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On one of their various <a href="http://retail.flowercouncil.org/en/latest/news/detail/whats-your-favourite-flower" target="_blank">websites</a>
they explain how they’re working in conjunction with a lot of florists
nationwide. They’re always offering a wide variety of resources to download for
free, from printable posters to images for banner adverts. You can also download
the posters and leaflets for the ‘What’s Your Favourite Flower’ campaign too,
if you’re a florist or for some reason you’re into half-naked men holding
flowers.</span></div>
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<![endif]-->Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-76777899534444699042012-09-18T20:59:00.000+01:002012-11-24T02:55:00.443+00:009 Methods of Immortality - How to Survive Them<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There are lots of forms of immortality. Humanity loves to
think and dream about it above all else. This might be motivated by fearing the
oblivion that awaits us when our bodies finally succumb to destruction or
inevitable entropy, but once you get past that there’s also the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">inconvenience.</i> I want to see this crazy
ride through to the very end, whether that’s nuclear genocide next week or
transcending the material plane a billion years from now. I also want to see
everything that comes afterwards, like in that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmyavYdMyJY" target="_blank">Future Is Wild</a>
show. Indeed, being alive is like watching an incredible TV series with dozens
of characters that I really care about but knowing that I’ll probably die
before I find out how it all ends.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zh70V6IMTp8/UFjKreFrVjI/AAAAAAAAArc/2SGGStkSM1A/s1600/game+of+thrones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="game of thrones title" border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zh70V6IMTp8/UFjKreFrVjI/AAAAAAAAArc/2SGGStkSM1A/s320/game+of+thrones.jpg" title="game of thrones title" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Naming no names…</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Of course, for preference I’d rather witness all of human
history with a <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/time-travel-in-fiction-part-one.html" target="_blank">time machine</a>. I could skip all the waiting around for the
future to happen and also witness the past too. But if my only option is the
slow way then I’ll take it. So let’s have a quick chat about the various slow ways,
after the click!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">First of all, yes it will be awful to stay young while all
your loved ones age and die around you. But that happens whether you’re
immortal or not.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Also, after being alive for even a mere three hundred years
you’d probably end up quite eccentric. Hell, you’d probably have become
delusional in a variety of ways never before experienced by a human. Whatever
trysts you’ll have with sanity will be purely by accident. Then you might get
stuck at the bottom of a pit for a hundred years or fossilised forever. That
kind of thing will certainly have a psychological impact. Think how much you
changed between five and fifteen. Extrapolate that to the difference between five
hundred and fifteen thousand; or five million and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fifteen hundred million</i>. Even a single bad day can alter your
perspective in strange and interesting new ways.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sure there’ll be downsides. We’ll get to that.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We’re All Immortal Regardless</span></b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We’re sort of all immortal through the effect we have on the
world, the consequences of our actions rippling out over the ocean of humanity
– but the ripples get lost in the waves and besides, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you’re</i> not around to enjoy it. Your ancestors live on within you
but not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">very </i>literally. Some people
get remembered for a couple of thousand years like Achilles or Homer (if they
ever existed) but again, they don’t get to enjoy it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RXxq9Yu7OPE/UFjLJcYI6gI/AAAAAAAAArk/vHLfWoPXTSU/s1600/sphynx.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="egypt pyramids sphynx" border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RXxq9Yu7OPE/UFjLJcYI6gI/AAAAAAAAArk/vHLfWoPXTSU/s320/sphynx.jpg" title="sphynx" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Look upon my works ye mighty, blah blah blah</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Eternal Soul</span></b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You may get reabsorbed into the great extra-dimensional
consciousness or get recycled/reincarnated. You may descend into ‘a hideous
wailing and gnashing of teeth’, or maybe we all get into heaven and it’s
exactly like in the cartoons with cherubs, clouds, harps and a big white guy
with a beard and everything. For preference I’d pick Valhalla. That seems like
a great place to ride out eternity. There’s mead, meat, violence and maybe even
some hairy Viking sex.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s5uSDZ_cmlc/UFjLW4g3ixI/AAAAAAAAArs/dTIoC8eHYAs/s1600/heaven+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="heaven clouds jesus angels trumpets" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s5uSDZ_cmlc/UFjLW4g3ixI/AAAAAAAAArs/dTIoC8eHYAs/s320/heaven+1.jpg" title="cloudy heaven" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Sure, this looks like a wild ride</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But none of this is any good unless I can occasionally glance
out of heaven to see if cephalopods are building computers yet.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Cryogenics</span></b></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’ve written <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/secret-of-walt-disneys-head.html" target="_blank">before</a> about how <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/truth-about-freeze-powers.html" target="_blank">you will die if frozen alive</a>. The fact is that out of all the people currently frozen cryogenically,
none of them have been defrosted yet. We don’t know how. Nevertheless I
wouldn’t mind being preserved after I die and then revived again. Think of all
the new things you’ll be able to discover!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Although there had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better</i>
be some new stuff. And I had better <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i>
be revived into some kind of fundamentalist Vulcan world with nothing but
logic, sterile grey architecture and beige nutrient paste. Sylvester Stallone
had enough problems in Demolition Man, and he was only frozen for thirty years
plus change.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PqxBXZCTtY4/UFjLtOOWbuI/AAAAAAAAAr0/SR-0fUAC6PI/s1600/sandra+bullock+demolition+man.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-PqxBXZCTtY4/UFjLtOOWbuI/AAAAAAAAAr0/SR-0fUAC6PI/s1600/sandra+bullock+demolition+man.jpeg" title="Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Although he did wake up to
a foxy futuristic Sandra Bullock</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Once revived your aging process will probably recommence.
Even if you were frozen post-death and then revived, your death is probably
inevitable once again. So cryogenics isn't really immortality; it's more like
delayed mortality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Uploaded</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Technological Singularity is when an advanced intellect
is developed, much more advanced beyond anything human. We can’t predict what
it would do, much less understand it. It could do a Skynet and try to wipe out
humanity (maybe it would even be smart enough to use germ warfare rather than
nukes and robots). Obviously I’ve got my fingers crossed that instead of
genocide, this machine-mind would be willing to upload us all into a simulated shared
conciousness of some sort where we could all live forever. The optimistic
predictions are that this will occur around the year 2030.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Sure it’s not a physical existence but to paraphrase that
white bald guy in the first Matrix: if it looks like a steak, smells like a
steak, feels like a steak and tastes like a steak then brother, I’m eating some
damn steak! Of course, once again I want to be able to see the outside world.
I’ll also need to be able to talk to people otherwise I’m stuck in a tin prison
like some kind of digital iron maiden.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1AomLodPcDg/UFjMCk0P6vI/AAAAAAAAAr8/SK7IK1fFRm0/s1600/iron+maiden.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="iron maiden sleepy hollow tim burton" border="0" height="177" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1AomLodPcDg/UFjMCk0P6vI/AAAAAAAAAr8/SK7IK1fFRm0/s320/iron+maiden.jpg" title="iron maiden" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>This would suuuuuck</i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The real problem with this form of existence is that it
might not be contiguous. We’re going to get into some sticky philosophical
issues here so forgive me if I get confused. Say you make an exact copy of the
Mona Lisa by Da Vinci. I mean <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exact</i>,
right down to the atoms. Then you destroy the original. The world can still enjoy the
painting, continuing the long and storied history. But everything is over as
far as the original is concerned.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The same is true of your mind. The computer-you is suddenly awake
in a world of silicon and electricity, sparing a few processor cycles
occasionally to reminisce about when you were made of bone and slime. But as
far as the meat-you is concerned, nothing has changed. If the process doesn’t
destroy meat-you then as time passes you’ll only end up growing apart from your copy. You can
imagine how complicated that would get.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Dorian Gray</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You might know Dorian Gray from the awful adaptation of Alan
Moore’s amazing The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. He wasn’t a character in
the books besides one brief cameo of his portrait. He was inserted into the
film because it was an awful film.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you haven’t read the The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar
Wilde then you should really do so <s>now</s> after you finish reading this, <a href="http://www.online-literature.com/wilde/dorian_gray/1/" target="_blank">since it's entirely available online</a>.
The basic premise is that Dorian’s soul gets put in a painting. His image in
the painting ages while Dorian remains youthful for decades. Sadly he’s
also an incorrigible sinner so his image in the painting also displays signs of
disease, indulgence and corruption on every level.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">“He would place his white hands beside the coarse bloated
hands of the picture, and smile. He mocked the misshapen body and the failing
limbs.”</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If he was more sensible and less malignant then who knows,
he might have lived as long as the painting existed. That could have been a few
centuries at least, maybe longer, which I can only describe as a good start.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Vampires</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We all know that vampires live a long time, and they’re
often capable of fully enjoying life. Sadly there’s the predatory aspect but
sometimes they can survive on animal blood or synthetic stuff like TruBlood.
There are other downsides to the condition too – when exposed to sunlight they mostly
either explode or sparkle. I’m pretty unhappy with either result. Beheading and
being staked through the heart will kill them, but that will also kill humans
and we manage to mostly avoid it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qbEUxMxzVzA/UFjMipKGpoI/AAAAAAAAAsE/igunt-UAsJQ/s1600/french+revolution.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="french revolution guillotine painting" border="0" height="252" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qbEUxMxzVzA/UFjMipKGpoI/AAAAAAAAAsE/igunt-UAsJQ/s320/french+revolution.jpg" title="french revolution guillotine" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Mostly</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I really like garlic, my own reflection and intruding
uninvited into people’s homes. However I can live without them in exchange for
eternal life. I’d no longer have to worry about disease, starvation,
dehydration, poison and most other forms of purposeful or accidental death. As
long as I’m not transformed into a proper monster and as long as I’m careful, I
could in theory exist in the darkness for millions of years, right? Until in
some fit of madness I merely walk into the sunlight.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Wolverine</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">By this point surely everyone knows that he and his half-brother
have already lived for very a long time. In some of the continuities they live
even longer, way into the flying-car-future.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cvt901YdmUA/UFjMtSokl5I/AAAAAAAAAsM/zUNBgwO67fc/s1600/wolverine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="wolverine origins brother logan hugh jackman liev schreiber" border="0" height="156" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cvt901YdmUA/UFjMtSokl5I/AAAAAAAAAsM/zUNBgwO67fc/s200/wolverine.jpg" title="wolverine and his brother" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I think you and I are destined to do this
forev…. Wait, wrong superheroes</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Obviously the physical side of immortality is largely taken
care of. However, as I mentioned at the beginning, there are still the
psychological aspects of immortality to survive. You might have noticed in the
film that the more death and murderous technology they witness, the less value
they place on human life. Then Wolverine has the epiphany that they’re becoming
monsters.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Personally I suspect that if he hadn’t had his memory wiped
he might have become quite suicidal. His brother has no especial baggage
because he has no especial character development. He remains a one-note violent
killer with no self-doubt at all, capable of existing from moment to moment
without any particular regrets, but this sort of works in the favour of an
immortal. If you’re going to live forever then sometimes you just have to let
things go.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The wolverine-effect of constant and perfect regeneration seems
like magic but it might be feasible with nanotechnology – tiny machines the
size of molecules that make more of each other, preserve your body and rebuild
any broken parts including the neurons in your brain. I guess this is my
ultimate preferred method.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Captain Jack Harkness</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s not important if you’re not familiar with the guy.
Basically he’s got some sort of quantum science-curse that means he never dies.
He gets killed a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lot</i> but shortly
afterwards he… sort of gets better. He can die but he cannot stay dead. He’s
been shot, stabbed, suffocated, buried, poisoned, burned, trampled by horses,
electrocuted, encased in concrete and once he had a bomb inside his stomach.
His friends gathered up all the big pieces and put them in a body bag, and his
body squished itself back together like a sea sponge. He’s more durable than
Wolverine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hd1B-8Q_iRs/UFjM7gavjPI/AAAAAAAAAsU/KZccS6wmudk/s1600/jack+harkness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="jack harkness john barrowman torchwood doctor who" border="0" height="228" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hd1B-8Q_iRs/UFjM7gavjPI/AAAAAAAAAsU/KZccS6wmudk/s320/jack+harkness.jpg" title="jack harkness played by john barrowman" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>He really likes that watch</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">He does age however, albeit slower than the average human.
At this point his age is somewhat subjective: he could be a century and a half
old or he could be over two thousand years old depending on how you count it. Anyway,
it’s slow but he does age. Who knows where he’ll end up in a few million years?
Oh wait WE DO!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bC1Kd-w9Zzg/UFjNDfsm5XI/AAAAAAAAAsc/URrkSPLWlRQ/s1600/face+of+bo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="face of boe doctor who" border="0" height="170" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bC1Kd-w9Zzg/UFjNDfsm5XI/AAAAAAAAAsc/URrkSPLWlRQ/s320/face+of+bo.jpg" title="face of boe" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>WARGH!</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That sexy bastard is the Face of Boe. It’s heavily implied
and basically assumed that this is Captain Jack after aging for several million years. In
theory it could be billions. He’s literally just a head with some tentacle-pod
things, who usually lives inside a tank full of gas. I assume the gas is full
of nutrients and narcotics. Yes it’s quite an inconvenient mode of existence
but it’s not such a large price to pay.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As Captain Jack he remains conscientious and somewhat engaged
with society. Even as the Face of Boe he exhibits a guru-like serenity,
compassion and indeed sanity. This might be because he pursues happiness on a
moment-to-moment basis, much like Wolverine’s brother albeit less violent. Jack
has many, many relationships and unfailingly flirts with everyone and everything
he can without doubt or guilt. This is how he remains grounded without
developing some serious existential issues.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-77M7MuuxRFs/UFjNOV0mNgI/AAAAAAAAAsk/x3r3RA-rolQ/s1600/jack+on+bomb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="jack harkness john barrowman doctor who torchwood riding a bomb" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-77M7MuuxRFs/UFjNOV0mNgI/AAAAAAAAAsk/x3r3RA-rolQ/s1600/jack+on+bomb.jpg" title="jack harkness on a bomb" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Well, no NEW issues at least…</i></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Orlando</span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is another Alan Moore character from League of
Extraordinary Gentlemen. Those books are completely riddled with various immortals,
I’m not even kidding. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I know
there are very few (if any) truly original characters in LoXG, which is
part of the genius. But Alan Moore's Orlando threads together so <i>many </i>characters,
including Virginia Woolf's creation, that Orlando
starts to feel very... Well, Moore-ish.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkj2m4G2zY0/UFkFWwMQzAI/AAAAAAAAAtU/6ym5G6vLExA/s1600/orlando+virginia.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="biography virginia woolf orlando book cover alan moore loxg league of extraordinary gentlemen" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkj2m4G2zY0/UFkFWwMQzAI/AAAAAAAAAtU/6ym5G6vLExA/s320/orlando+virginia.jpg" title="orlando a biography by virginia woolf" width="199" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>For example, Moore's Orlando insists the sword was once Excalibur, renamed as Durendal back when he was Roland</i></span> </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Anyway, the first issue with Orlando is that Orlando
changes genders every few years or so – between seven and thirty. He’s a male
for maybe a decade and then she’s a female, and vice versa. The other issue is
that Orlando was born in roughly 1260 BC and is still alive and youthful in
2009. The two conditions are unrelated but it means that Orlando could have
switched genders up to five hundred times.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’m not going to bother explaining how this happened, so
Google it if you want but just run with it otherwise. Orlando also presents a
unique problem: because Orlando’s gender is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">constantly
changing, </i>I’m forced to rethink my pronoun set. He/she and his/her aren’t
appropriate but neither are the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hir#Modern_alternatives_to_gender-neutral_pronoun" target="_blank">multiple gender-neutral pronouns</a>.
Orlando is never gender-neutral but is instead always one of the binary, not
both or neither. So I’m just going to constantly refer to Orlando as Orlando
without pronouns. It sounds clumsy, but in this case it works.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Orlando might be the best example of how to survive
longevity. In 2009 Orlando states outright that staying sane is easier for
Orlando since ‘I’m really, really shallow’. Some insight does start to
penetrate Orlando as time goes by and it manifests in various ways:</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1cvCYyZQK8I/UFjOm6ZN_qI/AAAAAAAAAss/voYBWg0IFuQ/s1600/orlando+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="orlando loxg league of extraordinary gentlemen alan moore 2009 war" border="0" height="313" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1cvCYyZQK8I/UFjOm6ZN_qI/AAAAAAAAAss/voYBWg0IFuQ/s400/orlando+2.jpg" title="orlando at war" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As a man Orlando is somewhat oblivious, aggressive and very obnoxious.
As a woman Orlando is sympathetic, strong and apparently more capable of
assimilating her unique insights. But Orlando is indeed always quite sensual,
confident and shallow regardless of the gender.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Orlando has been involved in almost every significant western
war since Troy and has survived. It’s not clear whether Orlando has the same magic healing
rate as Wolverine. Orlando has been a skilled, lethal warrior since youth,
regardless of gender, so maybe Orlando is just quick and lucky enough to
survive every fight. Orlando’s youthful body has stayed both lithe and strong,
which might have influenced Orlando’s outlook.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VeHJgBnjDsM/UFjO3uyC2kI/AAAAAAAAAs0/gpKb18VQ1Ew/s1600/orlando+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="orlando melee sword excalibur fight loxg league of extraordinary gentlemen alan moore century" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VeHJgBnjDsM/UFjO3uyC2kI/AAAAAAAAAs0/gpKb18VQ1Ew/s320/orlando+1.jpg" title="orlando in a melee" width="275" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">There’s nothing suggestive about the placement
of that decapitated head, right?</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It might be Orlando’s constantly-shifting nature that helps
Orlando endure the millennia rather than becoming stagnantly introspective and
burdened with baggage. It might also be Orlando’s body enabling Orlando’s perspective
to remain quick and flexible too, which it would have to with the constantly
altering gender. Of course, as with the other successful and happy immortals
we’ve looked at, the secret might just be to remain shallow.</span></div>
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<![endif]-->Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-32787915436941534372012-09-12T20:59:00.000+01:002012-09-12T21:50:13.128+01:00Cravendale - The Cows and The Cats<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Lactose intolerance is when someone can’t properly digest
lactose, a sugar found in milk, because they lack a specific enzyme. I too lack
that enzyme, along with an increasingly large amount of the global population. So
you can imagine how much attention I’ve been paying to Cravendale milk,
produced by Arla Foods UK Ltd. Hint: It’s less than one. But it turns out I’ve
been missing out on a bit of a phenomenon. A phenomenon of random-ass and
adorable stuff.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">For several years, Cravendale used a trio of Cow, Pirate and
Cyclist to promote their filthy white gold. But eventually the time came to
retire these strange stop-motion figurines, which was a sad day:</span></div>
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zCVc0wQsBK0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But don’t feel too sad, friends. After the click we can find
out about the Cravendale cats – everybody knows the internet loves cats!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There is a history of Cravendale inspiring hostility and
aggression in animals. Who can forget the terrible bovine crime wave from a few
years ago? Generations of Londoners will remember the terrible braying and mooing
that echoed through the nights each time the cows had taken another
victim. The cow’s campaign of reclaiming the Cravendale, the symbol of our
dominance, left many supermarkets destroyed:</span><br /></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lFFQSbTR8LM" width="560"></iframe>
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Of course, those were just the mundane, un-enhanced cows. For
years the food industries have been creating more effective cows:</span></div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dPWUzNqI8k8/UFDmV82zXuI/AAAAAAAAAq8/Sj0Wug_HAkw/s1600/super+cow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dPWUzNqI8k8/UFDmV82zXuI/AAAAAAAAAq8/Sj0Wug_HAkw/s1600/super+cow.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Imagine it ground up and cooked, that
way it’s less grotesque</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Arla Foods UK Ltd is no different. To produce their ‘Hint Of’
milk range, that contained traces of flavours like strawberries? They actually
genetically engineered a super-secret cow species that produced strawberry cow-juice
in deep underground laboratories beneath Raccoon City. I mean, how else would
you do it? But maybe mankind was not meant to tamper with these things. The
side effect was a deep psychosis in the mind of every strawberry-patterned cow.
They were twisted and malicious. When they escaped they didn’t target
supermarkets like logical cows. Oh no. These targeted <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">individuals, </i>punishing them for their milk purchases:</span><br /></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rz8xnXblo1Q" width="560"></iframe><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Their attacks were coordinated and cruel. Few people who
bought the ‘Hint of Strawberry’ Cravendale milk have survived and every year a
few more take their own lives, unable to live with what they’ve seen. Those who
remain are either in hiding abroad or in devoted survivor communities where
they receive 24 hour care for their physical conditions and deep psychological
scars – experts now believe the strawberry cows allowed this second group to
survive to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">serve as an example</i>.</span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Of course, cows can be (and were) defeated by simple stairs,
nevermind the full range of humanity’s weapons. But deep in the Arla Foods UK
Ltd laboratories, there were other experiments with more subtlety. These were
the infernal creatures that watched from their cages and mazes as the cows escaped.
These were the creatures that had patience. These were the creatures that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">learned</i>:</span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">CATS! And yes that was Tim Curry narrating.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is what Arla Foods UK Ltd has wrought. This is the terrifying bounty delivered to us by Cravendale. The scientists learned a lot from the cow rebellions but so did the cats, observing everything with wide, blank-eyed cat-stares. The escaped cats know that a straight-up campaign of violence and terror is going to be a failure. Their best strategy is to use their advanced feline cunning and opposable digits to outwit us. It seems this is entirely feasible:</span><br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s okay if you laugh at the last line, ‘not on our watch,
pussies…’ because I did too. Also he said it in a slightly strange way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The online campaign is one of their strengths, masterminded by
Bertrum Thumbcat. On <a href="https://twitter.com/bertrumthumbcat" target="_blank">twitter he has over 10,000 followers</a> and on Facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/bertrumthumbcat" target="_blank">over 76,000 likes</a>.
The <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/CravendaleTV/videos" target="_blank">Cravendale YouTube channel</a> has several videos of cats doing things and over 3000 subscribers.</span></div>
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TC1LwTjuy2o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eUK40XVXa3U" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We all know the internet loves cats. But why do we love cats? Is it because they’re cute and their antics are hilarious? Or could it be that the cats are purposefully being cute and funny to exploit our innate human weaknesses? The online popularity of cats could all be part of the scheme of Bertrum Thumbcat. If this is the case then we have already lost. All we can do now is surrender the Cravendale. Of course, I have no special use for milk so I’m personally okay with handing over the poisonous teat-slime in exchange for peace with the terrifying thumb-cats.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Just to lighten the mood before you click away, here’s the
Cravendale advert that featured two of the Muppets back when they were promoting
their latest film:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">MAGIC POTATO!</span></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-28475904250488516902012-09-03T17:12:00.000+01:002012-09-18T17:22:49.147+01:00That Damn Wall - The Awful Time Cop Method<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yep, I said <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/time-travel-in-fiction-part-one.html" target="_blank">ages ago </a>that I’d talk about Time Cop and now
I’m going to. Here’s a trailer for Time Cop voiced by none other than <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/movie-idea-goldmine.html" target="_blank">The Voice himself, Don LaFontaine</a>!</span><br />
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<br />
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<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WuujAfDRSfc" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Read more after the click!</span><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s important for a civilization capable of time-travel to
regulate it (<a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/time-travel-in-fiction-part-one.html" target="_blank">nope</a>) which means you need a time-enforcement agency or ‘time
cops’. They need to be quick-witted, educated in history, strong, capable of
improvising and blending in. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This results in Jean Claude Van Damme the meat-brained kickboxing Belgian. Jean Claude is Walker, a time-travelling cop working for a covert agency (these things are always covert) whose wife was murdered years ago, who finds himself the only one who can stop the criminal conspiracy of a corrupt politician.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’ve <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/time-travel-in-fiction-part-two.html" target="_blank">spoken before</a> about the problems with the time-travel continuity of this film. For example, at one point the younger version of the main villain receives a facial wound. This appears suddenly on the face of the older version of the male villain, which surprises him. If the changes in
time manifest physically on the bodies of the travellers in real-time, why
don’t their memories change as well? Memories are made of matter and energy too, after
all, just like everything else. But the contents of the human skull are protected from temporal changes
because of…. Well, because this film is stupid. In lots and lots of ways.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The film is basically more of Van Damme kicking things and
doing the splits, since he is a kickboxing champion and incredibly proud of his
splits:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1UJG5z294MU/UES2dOm67UI/AAAAAAAAApk/BIa9qd4wbJc/s1600/jean+claude+splits+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Jean Claude Van Damme in Time Cop doing the splits in underwear" border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1UJG5z294MU/UES2dOm67UI/AAAAAAAAApk/BIa9qd4wbJc/s320/jean+claude+splits+1.jpg" title="Jean Claude Van Damme in Time Cop doing the splits in underwear" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In this movie alone, he does the splits
3 times</span></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The confusion over selective non-linear causality is unimportant. My
real problem with this film is the time machine itself. There have been some
truly iconic time machines over the years from the TARDIS to the delorean, from
the phone box of Bill & Ted to the original large-backed brass
machine from the H. G. Wells novel. Even that damn hot tub. Whether stupid or amazing, these machines
all make some immediate sense. The TARDIS and that other phone box are sealed pods,
the delorean and H. G. Wells’ time machine are both vehicles, the hot tub is a
portal, etc.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">In Time Cop, the vehicle is a pod that gets fired through a
portal. There's already too much going on. But the process can sometimes be fatal. Here’s the
breakdown: the pod is a sled thing on a rail, powered by a rocket. The rocket
shoots it through the time gate thing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pn3m-ioE9VA/UES20_uEtnI/AAAAAAAAAp0/qP7HVKQsU94/s1600/time+cop+outgoing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Time Cop rocket sled" border="0" height="226" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pn3m-ioE9VA/UES20_uEtnI/AAAAAAAAAp0/qP7HVKQsU94/s320/time+cop+outgoing.jpg" title="Time Cop rocket sled" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Yes, I feel good about the
rocket-powered sled</i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The agents then appear in the past (but not the future
“because the future hasn’t happened yet” - urgh). This is what happens when the agents
appear in the past:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yLu9j78pfGA/UES27UX2D-I/AAAAAAAAAp8/NI6v_l9oK0U/s1600/time+cop+journey+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yLu9j78pfGA/UES27UX2D-I/AAAAAAAAAp8/NI6v_l9oK0U/s1600/time+cop+journey+1.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Nearly there…</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wwe0apGo4rI/UES3EMjNYLI/AAAAAAAAAqE/9ANpX1FiJAo/s1600/time+cop+journey+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wwe0apGo4rI/UES3EMjNYLI/AAAAAAAAAqE/9ANpX1FiJAo/s1600/time+cop+journey+2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Yes, yes, so close!</span></span></i></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Av5CA83QtBQ/UES3M-UoHkI/AAAAAAAAAqM/hKAyC-Zbhbk/s1600/time+cop+journey+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Jean Claude Van Damme in Time Cop" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Av5CA83QtBQ/UES3M-UoHkI/AAAAAAAAAqM/hKAyC-Zbhbk/s1600/time+cop+journey+3.jpg" title="Jean Claude Van Damme in Time Cop" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>AA</i>AAA</b>AAAAHHhhhh <i>that's good time travel</i></span><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">As he casually walks through the wobbly time
membrane thing I can’t help but notice the absence of a rocket-powered sled.
This is especially weird when the mission is over and the agent uses a remote
control to step back through the wobbly fabric of time. He then appears in his home
time, back in the rocket sled:</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s0VbGZ7P-JA/UES3XPAVJcI/AAAAAAAAAqU/hNI8hJZ86G8/s1600/return+journey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Jean Claude Van Damme in the Time Cop rocket sled" border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-s0VbGZ7P-JA/UES3XPAVJcI/AAAAAAAAAqU/hNI8hJZ86G8/s320/return+journey.jpg" title="Jean Claude Van Damme in the Time Cop rocket sled" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>What the...?</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The rocket-pod goes into the time-gate towards the wall. It
exits the time-gate in the opposite direction. Wherever it went while the time
cop was in the past, it is apparently a place where it can turn around. Just a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bit</i> of explanation would be quite nice;
even just a token gesture that gets interrupted comically. Or how about a less
stupid time machine?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At one point Van Damme’s character points out the
stains on the far wall that are the remains of two agents who didn’t survive
the process. The danger is
to increase the tension of the scene. But when you look at it another way it's the same with falling out of a plane - the speed isn't what kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end. Now take another look
at the wall:</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lxbwxwZ_gB0/UES3gyqHloI/AAAAAAAAAqc/u5dLA_QO26A/s1600/the+wall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="That Damn Wall in Time Cop" border="0" height="142" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lxbwxwZ_gB0/UES3gyqHloI/AAAAAAAAAqc/u5dLA_QO26A/s320/the+wall.jpg" title="That Damn Wall in Time Cop" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I see a butterfly, a bat or a wide mouth with a stubby epiglottis</span></i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Seems pretty arbitrary, doesn’t it? The wall isn’t holding
anything up or performing any function besides being the deadly goal net for
the rocket pod. There’s a lot of space behind that wall. If you removed the
wall, you might be able to let the rocket pod slow down on its own rather than
smashing into concrete. You’d think a governmental time-travel agency would
receive at least as much funding as NASA. Even if it required several
kilometres of track (which it apparently does not) they could surely afford it.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This film has inspired a lot of things, including a crappy
TV show spin-off and the 2003 straight-to-video sequel, Timecop: The Berlin
Decision (aka Timecop 2). Check it out:</span></div>
</div>
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZHeXVAVpxGs" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But like I said, Time Cop is the prime example of a lot of other instances
of temporal police, from the unexplored origins of Captain Jack in Dr Who/Torchwood
to the Deep Time organisation in Starslip Crisis</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">:</span>
</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SN4L9qFFO-0/UES11JVgW2I/AAAAAAAAApc/Mq2jOMs0ub8/s1600/futurewar.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Starslip Crisis time traveller war" border="0" height="133" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SN4L9qFFO-0/UES11JVgW2I/AAAAAAAAApc/Mq2jOMs0ub8/s400/futurewar.gif" title="Starslip Crisis time traveller war" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Go and read <a href="http://starslip.com/2005/05/23/starslip-number-1/" target="_blank">Starslip Crisis</a>. It's brilliant. Don't watch the Time Cop sequel.</span></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-69618291781895599122012-08-20T20:55:00.000+01:002012-09-06T12:38:26.601+01:00Aquaman - 6 Ways He's Not Crap<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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I’d like to have a quick conversation about my favourite
superhero. I know what you’re thinking. ‘What, the fish guy? The blonde surf-douche
with the fruity sequined top? No way!’</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1my2ZWMQVbA/UDJucWrq8oI/AAAAAAAAAls/fRIS8WqODfk/s1600/Alex+Ross+Aquaman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman with fish background" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1my2ZWMQVbA/UDJucWrq8oI/AAAAAAAAAls/fRIS8WqODfk/s320/Alex+Ross+Aquaman.jpg" title="Aquaman with fish background" width="209" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Stop laughing! Look at the whales!</i><i></i></span></div>
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But hear me out. Don’t focus on his time with the <a href="http://www.seanbaby.com/superfriends/aquamanb.htm" target="_blank">super-friends</a>.
Even Batman was a little bit crap once upon a time – remember the days when he
wore light grey and sky blue? Played by Adam West? The same is true of Aquaman.
You just need to appreciate the potential. You don’t even know his real name,
do you? You know Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent and maybe even <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/spotlight-on-robin-generations-of-red.html" target="_blank">the various names of Robin</a>. Aquaman has two real names. His Atlantean name is Orin. His human name
is Arthur Curry, adopted son of a lighthouse keeper. It's all quite confusing.</div>
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Read my 100% convincing 6-point argument that proves Aquaman is awesome, right after the click!<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Water</b></li>
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The waters of Earth occupy two thirds of the surface. Of
Earth. Batman has one crappy city while Aquaman’s jurisdiction is the majesty
of the ocean itself. From the warm, rich coral reefs of Australia to the
fatally icy waters of the arctic seas; from the brilliant diamond-blue
Caribbean to the eternal night of deepest trenches.</div>
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There’s the long-standing joke about how you need to get
into the water before Aquaman can do anything to you. This isn’t true since he
can walk around on land perfectly fine and just needs to stay hydrated. Batman has no powers on land either besides his gadgets and intellect. He can still punch criminals. Black Canary just has her voice and her punching. Wildcat is literally just about the punching.<br />
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But if
you really, really piss Aquaman off?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jbfC7_0lYpM/UDJwQ7GKg_I/AAAAAAAAAl0/6Bx8M8KchGs/s1600/3+p16+tidal+wave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman causes tsunami" border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jbfC7_0lYpM/UDJwQ7GKg_I/AAAAAAAAAl0/6Bx8M8KchGs/s320/3+p16+tidal+wave.jpg" title="Aquaman causes tsunami" width="277" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Holy shit!</i><i></i><i></i></span></div>
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You’d think that the oceans of all the Earth might be a big
beat to cover, and they are. But Aquaman can swim very, very quickly – in some
versions of his story he has a sort of telekinetic power over water, able to
control it and form it into weapons or propulsion. Sometimes he uses very
fast submarines to get around. Other times he hitches a lift with whales,
swordfish or other speedy fish. Which, yes, brings us to…</div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Fish</b></li>
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He can telepathically communicate with fish. Usually he
can’t actually control them, just communicate with them. Aquaman has described it
himself as ‘cajoling’ the fish. And I know you’re laughing now. That’s because
you’re ignorant. If you think ‘fish’ and picture this:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AIi9Z4xTOQM/UDJwa1pk3KI/AAAAAAAAAl8/jAagrBZbSvU/s1600/tuna+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="tuna steak with garnish" border="0" height="125" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AIi9Z4xTOQM/UDJwa1pk3KI/AAAAAAAAAl8/jAagrBZbSvU/s200/tuna+1.jpg" title="tuna steak with garnish" width="200" /></a></div>
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…then you have never seen what a tuna fish looks like.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J1U1AGvldqA/UDJwf_VKhnI/AAAAAAAAAmE/obJqlXdA7Y8/s1600/giant+tuna.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="large tuna being caught in a net" border="0" height="204" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-J1U1AGvldqA/UDJwf_VKhnI/AAAAAAAAAmE/obJqlXdA7Y8/s320/giant+tuna.jpg" title="large tuna being caught in a net" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Giant fish!</i></span></div>
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They’re quite often bigger than cows. They’re not even the
biggest fish in the water. That would be the ocean sunfish or mola mola:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tyMiYJHf9sU/UDJwn96J3tI/AAAAAAAAAmM/_A1HEjG43sI/s1600/mola+mola.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="sunfish mola mola in aquarium" border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tyMiYJHf9sU/UDJwn96J3tI/AAAAAAAAAmM/_A1HEjG43sI/s320/mola+mola.jpg" title="sunfish mola mola in aquarium" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>EVEN GIANTER FISH!! Weird shape though</i></span></div>
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Shall we talk about the oarfish?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LdUnUDu1hVM/UDJwxSaJmFI/AAAAAAAAAmU/eEichX_7GkY/s1600/oarfish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="large oarfish in vintage photo" border="0" height="183" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LdUnUDu1hVM/UDJwxSaJmFI/AAAAAAAAAmU/eEichX_7GkY/s400/oarfish.jpg" title="large oarfish in vintage photo" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>That long ribbon they're holding is one whole fish</i></span></div>
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The giant manta rays?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v1r09_2hXik/UDJw4MGFmGI/AAAAAAAAAmc/TmV82fOYzMM/s1600/manta+ray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="manta ray with diver" border="0" height="183" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v1r09_2hXik/UDJw4MGFmGI/AAAAAAAAAmc/TmV82fOYzMM/s320/manta+ray.jpg" title="manta ray with diver" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I've not trusted rays since they took Steve Irwin from us</i></span></div>
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Much like humanity’s exploration of the oceans themselves,
we have only just begun to scratch the surface of giant underwater creatures. I
could talk for ages about freakishly huge fish. Alright, these are all basically just huge dumb beasts. I
doubt their conversation is peppered with wit and insight. I guess most fish
aren’t worth talking to; jellyfish, sea cucumbers, sea anemones, sponges, etc.
But they’re also pretty much everywhere. None of them have any eyelids (apart
from sharks). The ocean is a world of eternally staring eyes. </div>
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Every single
unblinking eye is spying for Aquaman.</div>
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Dolphins, narwhals, whales etc. are technically mammals but
Aquaman can talk to them too. Sometimes it’s not telepathy, he just learns their
language. His telepathy covers cephalopods too, which are also not fish;
octopus, squid, nautilus, cuttlefish… the giant octopus… the colossal squid…</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-156tl8hiIik/UDJw_viYKRI/AAAAAAAAAmk/g3mhBOLHjaE/s1600/colossal+squid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="giant squid caught by fishing boat" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-156tl8hiIik/UDJw_viYKRI/AAAAAAAAAmk/g3mhBOLHjaE/s1600/colossal+squid.jpg" title="giant squid caught by fishing boat" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>This isn’t the even biggest one</i></span></div>
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These are the Lovecraftian nightmares that Aquaman can
summon to defeat you*. They share Aquaman’s home. But hey, I’m sure tiny,
squeaking <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bats</i> are also cool.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Which reminds me, Aquaman defeats the Old Ones quite often </span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Atlantis/Poseidonis – Aquaman’s Home</b></li>
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Poseidonis is the capital city of the sunken continent of
Atlantis. As eventuful as it is living in <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/gotham-vs-metropolis.html" target="_blank">Gotham or Metropolis</a>, it’s worse in
Poseidonis. Amongst everything else? There was a bit when Aquaman was deposed
by a coup of aquatic, semi-prehistoric sorcerers who created armies of mutant
fish creatures.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JliDdPEvxsc/UDJyU5c3eOI/AAAAAAAAAms/C4hFjTznZlw/s1600/waterbearer+p84.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Waterbearer book Atlantis and the sorcerors" border="0" height="380" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JliDdPEvxsc/UDJyU5c3eOI/AAAAAAAAAms/C4hFjTznZlw/s400/waterbearer+p84.jpg" title="Waterbearer book Atlantis and the sorcerors" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Atlantis is an alien city lurking
beneath the waves</i></span></div>
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There’s an entry on TV Tropes named <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AtlantisIsBoring" target="_blank">‘Atlantis is Boring’</a>.
The idea is that Atlantis, the mythic and fantastical city, is also quite
unfortunately alien. Stories set underwater lack the human element, much like
the Star Wars prequels. It doesn’t matter how many pirates summon how many
elder gods – most writers and readers can’t wrap their imaginations around
moving in three dimensions:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IH7xm3snjmg/UDJympfnKWI/AAAAAAAAAm0/D-vtZZO5chI/s1600/3+p19+suddenly+aquaman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman vs Superboy" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IH7xm3snjmg/UDJympfnKWI/AAAAAAAAAm0/D-vtZZO5chI/s1600/3+p19+suddenly+aquaman.jpg" title="Aquaman vs Superboy" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Being underwater is confusing. Which way is up? Does it matter?</i></span></div>
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</div>
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<br />
Also there’s not much crime underwater. Apparently the
point of 80% of fantasy/science fiction/drama/adventure stories is that they
fight crime. Isn’t it quite disappointing that it comes down to that? There are so many kinds of adventure, they don't all have to be about crime! </div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<ol start="4" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Hand</b></li>
</ol>
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<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 0cm;">
I’ve written a lot before
about <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/paralympic-posters.html" target="_blank">how far prosthetic technology has come</a>. Why is this relevant, you ask?
Well, during the 90s they… well, look:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ApCPjBZCJ5U/UDJy_GrhLMI/AAAAAAAAAm8/ElJDPDWu9S8/s1600/0+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman with wave and harpoon prosthetic" border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ApCPjBZCJ5U/UDJy_GrhLMI/AAAAAAAAAm8/ElJDPDWu9S8/s320/0+cover.jpg" title="Aquaman with wave and harpoon prosthetic" width="281" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>There’s
something missing…</i></span></div>
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</div>
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The trouble with only being
able to ‘cajole’ the fish is that no matter how much they respect you, they’re
mostly too dumb to fight their natures. You can only argue with a shark for so
long before you’ll have to punch it on the nose or be eaten. And then there are
the piranhas.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uwppRkfYG_k/UDJzITBnvTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/xr792ZgDTf4/s1600/2+p21+eat+hearty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman Dolphin Charybdis being eaten by pirahnas" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uwppRkfYG_k/UDJzITBnvTI/AAAAAAAAAnE/xr792ZgDTf4/s1600/2+p21+eat+hearty.jpg" title="Aquaman Dolphin Charybdis being eaten by pirahnas" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The white-haired woman has only just arrived. The guy in the water has only just departed</i><i></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 0cm;">
Now, piranhas aren’t the
flesh-stripping monsters that everyone thinks. I mean, sure, piranha teeth can
be used as weapons. And they do sometimes bite humans, especially in low water.
They’re capable of taking off a finger with a single bite. But they usually don’t
swarm, apart from when they do. They usually don’t strip flesh to the bone in
seconds either, apart from when they do. Aquaman’s hand was plunged into some piranha
water and they did their piranha thing.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--t2gIbetOB8/UDJzS2uVV6I/AAAAAAAAAnM/BAteV-Pw5r0/s1600/2+p22+stump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman mangled hand eaten to the bone" border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--t2gIbetOB8/UDJzS2uVV6I/AAAAAAAAAnM/BAteV-Pw5r0/s320/2+p22+stump.jpg" title="Aquaman mangled hand eaten to the bone" width="305" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Anyone have any
disinfectant? Or a sticky plaster? Or some ibuprofen? Or OH GOD OW</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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He’s had a handful of
different prosthetics over the years (sorry, I couldn’t resist). He started out
with the point of a harpoon bandaged to his stump. This was later upgraded to a
cybernetic harpoon thing with a grappling hook reel. It was awesome.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yDLwKuJI_IM/UDJzpVUhQaI/AAAAAAAAAnU/qTIv-VsrLUw/s1600/waterbearer+p18.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman throws harpoon prosthetic into the lake" border="0" height="265" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yDLwKuJI_IM/UDJzpVUhQaI/AAAAAAAAAnU/qTIv-VsrLUw/s320/waterbearer+p18.jpg" title="Aquaman throws harpoon prosthetic into the lake" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Don’t
throw it away! It’s so shiny!</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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He was given a hand made from
magical water by the legendary Lady of the Lake (A king named Arthur? Totally her type). The hand had magical healing
abilities. He even shaved off his awesome beard. He probably gets manicures even, but at least they’re half price.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-J2tMt2xOCas/UDJz3__lNKI/AAAAAAAAAnc/D5CmQS8CXV0/s1600/waterbearer+p96.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman has the Lady of the Lake living in his magic hand" border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-J2tMt2xOCas/UDJz3__lNKI/AAAAAAAAAnc/D5CmQS8CXV0/s320/waterbearer+p96.jpg" title="Aquaman has the Lady of the Lake living in his magic hand" width="267" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Also do NOT masturbate with your magical hand in which I live</i><i></i></span> </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 0cm;">
This new hand was literally the
opposite to that pointy piece of strengthened metal, but I guess it’s the
same decision that 99% of amputees would make.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<ol start="5" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Villains</b></li>
</ol>
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<br />
<br /></div>
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The main trouble with Aquaman is that his villains are
terrible. Superman’s most iconic villains are Lex Luthor, General Zod and
Brainiac. Batman has Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Riddler, and the list
goes on! Who’s that other one? I feel like I’m missing one. Begins with a J….
nope, can’t remember! These villains have all been turned serious; but why so serious? It's because they make Batman look extra good when he defeats them. Aquaman
has Black Manta, the Ocean Master and (briefly but importantly) Charybdis. Just
look at Charybdis:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fkCQPJk2q6E/UDJ0OXNO4eI/AAAAAAAAAnk/RbTC3tqrTrs/s1600/2+p4+charybdis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Charybdis shows Aquaman where all the submarines are hidden" border="0" height="341" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fkCQPJk2q6E/UDJ0OXNO4eI/AAAAAAAAAnk/RbTC3tqrTrs/s400/2+p4+charybdis.jpg" title="Charybdis shows Aquaman where all the submarines are hidden" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Oh for... No! STOP SHOWING HIM THAT!</i></span></div>
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</div>
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Superman’s best/worst enemies are all smarter than him
because strength is his… strength and <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/spotlight-on-superman.html" target="_blank">not his smarts</a>. Batman’s best/worst
villains are all variations on the theme of psychology. Aquaman’s enemies lurk
in the water whereas, logically, they should be fleeing inland as far as
possible. But then there’s that old problem – either let them go or flood the
mainland. Again.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
It should be completely possible to legitimize his villains!
They did it for god damn Jim Carey in his flashing leotard, and for Penguin who
just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">looks like a damn penguin</i>. The
villainous sea-bird now gets more respect than the king of the oceans! HE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN AQUAMAN’S VILLAIN ANYWAY!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
A pointy piece of strengthened metal does sometimes come in
useful. Admittedly in the very early days he’s pretty clumsy with it:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TxulVy3knAI/UDJ0qqTjSII/AAAAAAAAAns/rx659Ylrqy4/s1600/5+p9+stab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman accidentally stabs Dolphin with harpoon prosthetic" border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TxulVy3knAI/UDJ0qqTjSII/AAAAAAAAAns/rx659Ylrqy4/s320/5+p9+stab.jpg" title="Aquaman accidentally stabs Dolphin with harpoon prosthetic" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Not the kind of penetration he was hoping for</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Aquaman had that pointy bit of metal for quite a long time.
What do you imagine he’d do with a stabbing weapon permanently mounted on his
arm? That’s right, stab people.<br />
<br />
Batman has a huge problem with killing people (these
days) but Aquaman is sometimes more comfortable with it. He flips people into piranha
tanks, abandons them to sharks, lets them drown, and he inserts that
harpoon-hand into quite a few people and monsters.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HTukl8eKkQI/UDJ0yud5uiI/AAAAAAAAAn0/Fb3-ngGv9Og/s1600/6+stab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman stabs monster with harpoon hand" border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HTukl8eKkQI/UDJ0yud5uiI/AAAAAAAAAn0/Fb3-ngGv9Og/s320/6+stab.jpg" title="Aquaman stabs monster with harpoon hand" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>It looks longer when it's not deep inside something</i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> </i></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Call me a sociopath but this isn’t Gotham or Metropolis. This is the ocean. The only
law out here is either Atlantean or Darwinian.</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uaROaDXXusI/UDJ08yL_SsI/AAAAAAAAAn8/2vPN3B_l0kQ/s1600/waterbearer+p92.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman and friend being digested inside a larger fish" border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uaROaDXXusI/UDJ08yL_SsI/AAAAAAAAAn8/2vPN3B_l0kQ/s400/waterbearer+p92.jpg" title="Aquaman and friend being digested inside a larger fish" width="372" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Death by digestion - this could be either Darwinian or Atlantean</i></span></div>
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<br />
<br />
</div>
<ol start="6" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Man</b></li>
</ol>
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<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Superman and Batman can always go and hide in their
alternate lives. Aquaman doesn’t really have an alternate life; during exile he
has a very limited identity to fall back on. Orin and Arthur Curry are merely
known aliases, not identities that he supports to maintain a deception. This
shows that Aquaman is pretty damn busy and a bit more honest, but sadly
underdeveloped as a character. This might be because Aquaman is just too much
like the oceans – both cold and warm, stern and playful, shallow and deep, etc.
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The 90s were a pretty dark/stupid time for comic books and
especially for Aquaman – he’d lost a hand to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fish</i>, he was struggling with the burden of ruling his people
justly, and then he struggled with inevitably letting them down. In the books
he went a bit emo-mutant (No! Don’t look at my hideous face! I will lurk
forever in the darkness!) then he died quite a violent death. But I’m pretty
sure that’s only until the next reboot, retcon or universe-altering
reality-shift. This happens all the time in comics – nobody ever stays dead
unless they’re someone’s parents. Even then it’s still not especially
permanent.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
But he’s alive in the cartoons. So very, very alive! In one
of my favourites called Batman: The Brave and The Bold. What’s great about this
cartoon is that it doesn’t get bogged down in the continuity like the comics
have. They don’t even try to make sense that much. They focus on the fun rather
than the baggage. They’ve also had a wide variety of celebrity voice-cameos
including Neil Patrick Harris for one villain.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Aquaman is a bit of a breakout character – his popularity
has surprised almost everyone. In this version he’s still the King of Atlantis
and he’s never lost his hand. He’s strong, brave, hearty, kind and honest with
a zest for adventure and a passion for heroics that is unparalleled. He’s a
huge golden idol with a rich, thick beard. He is, in a word, regal. This is the
first Aquaman I fell in love with. Watch these two quick clips:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ibDtsl92QWk" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
The Atom later shrinks himself and Aquaman to fight tiny
robots in Batman’s bloodstream.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T837zAuUMLA" target="_blank">Embedding disabled by request but follow this link to watch the quick video.</a></b></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Good lord he’s so manly and… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">regal</i>! Alright he’s not too bright but in his defence he’s also
more magic-based than scientific.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Anyway, using the ocean as your spy-network, living in the
water, being able to fence with your prosthetic? All fine and dandy…</div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pnX5InBSDm4/UDKDYtC-bkI/AAAAAAAAAoY/cie0Q3Mm1iI/s1600/fencing+with+harpoon+hand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman prepares to fence with harpoon prosthetic" border="0" height="352" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pnX5InBSDm4/UDKDYtC-bkI/AAAAAAAAAoY/cie0Q3Mm1iI/s400/fencing+with+harpoon+hand.jpg" title="Aquaman prepares to fence with harpoon prosthetic" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Um, you first dude</i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
…but what really makes Aquaman my favourite superhero is just
his sheer heroicness. He’s been a campy hero, an anti-hero and an emo-hero. But
sometimes he’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE8C1WWixgc" target="_blank">just a straight-up hero</a> - a king even I can admire, and I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hate</i>
the idea of a monarchy.</div>
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<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Conclusion</b> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<br />
I’m not saying he’s equal to Batman or Superman. I’m saying
he has the potential to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">better</i>. Sure
he doesn’t have Superman’s strength or Batman’s brains. But he has every other
quality we look for in our heroes and each other: courage, occasional wisdom,
compassion, self-sacrifice, determination and a sense of humour.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
If you don’t yet believe then go back in time to the 60s and
explain to anyone what Nolan’s Batman films would be like. Batman is just a
lycra-wearing genius psychopath whose only real super-power is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">psychology.</i> Storytellers started making that
cool! Now look at him!</div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h5kar12ndZ4/UDKKIJVcsmI/AAAAAAAAAo0/UIzXny4Kajs/s1600/nolan+batman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Dark Knight poster" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h5kar12ndZ4/UDKKIJVcsmI/AAAAAAAAAo0/UIzXny4Kajs/s320/nolan+batman.jpg" title="Dark Knight poster" width="247" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Still a little bit silly if I’m honest</span></i></div>
</div>
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<br />
Imagine if a writer fulfilled Aquaman’s potential. Imagine if
he wasn’t human but he still somehow exemplified humanity. Imagine if his
humanity drew us into the alien world of Atlantis and we got to explore those inhuman depths - what might we learn about ourselves? Imagine if we all knew that every fish-eye was
his spy; spooky right? Imagine if he was the avatar of Atlantean/Darwinian justice but also struggled
to bring kindness to his rule - how's that for conflicted character? Imagine if he had a bigger job to do than either
Superman or Batman combined – protecting the oceans <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> ruling Atlantis <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">with one
hand missing</i>. Imagine if he was a swashbuckler, riding narwhals into
battle. Imagine if he had an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eyepatch - </i>or is that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too much awesome?</i>
Imagine if he’d been around to help with oil ‘spills’ - he's always been an environmentalist anyway. Don’t imagine the
super-hero he’s always been. Imagine the super-hero he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">could be</i>. Imagine if my wildest dreams come true.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
But for now, I’m just saying he doesn’t deserve this
constant scorn.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G2xgGFgc9kQ/UDKKTj71FGI/AAAAAAAAAo8/GRnF89OCDfc/s1600/3+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Aquaman leaps towards Superboy" border="0" height="282" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G2xgGFgc9kQ/UDKKTj71FGI/AAAAAAAAAo8/GRnF89OCDfc/s400/3+cover.jpg" title="Aquaman leaps towards Superboy" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-38076715887015816972012-08-15T22:03:00.000+01:002012-09-23T13:11:18.359+01:00Gay Adverts - The Strange Cold War<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
For the past year or so the advertising industry (in the US
especially) has been wading into the fight for gay rights vs the sanctity of
marriage or something. Adverts and brands are now banners beneath which armies
gather.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Before I talk about homosexual issues I feel like I should
qualify my feelings on the subject. Sexuality is like the sea: mysterious,
ever-changing, nearly impossible to properly measure, quite polluted and full
of sharks.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EO6lwc2eMjk/UCv_wyU83NI/AAAAAAAAAis/DrGJF_dMNlI/s1600/jump+shark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="fonzie happy days jump shark montage photo" border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EO6lwc2eMjk/UCv_wyU83NI/AAAAAAAAAis/DrGJF_dMNlI/s320/jump+shark.jpg" title="Fonzie montage" width="291" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">But if you’re careful you can jump those
sharks</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
If people want to connect themselves to one another in the
eyes of some mythical overlord, or in the eyes of the law (also a kind of
mythical overlord) then I’m fine with it as long as they put on a good buffet
and a free bar. Regardless of whether they’re bride/bride, groom/groom or
groom/bride (which isn’t always a reflection of gender anyway) my only question
is whether I’m invited. The answer is usually no; everyone is afraid of what I
might do when exposed to limitless alcohol. Their lack of faith disturbs me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
There’s no <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">practical</i>
reason to deny homosexual couples the same legal rights that heterosexual
couples ‘enjoy’, there’s only ideological hyperbole*.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*In a decent thesaurus those two words are synonyms for ‘insane
ranting’</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
With that seriousness out of the way, let’s get to business!
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gay </i>business! Hit the jump for some gay business! <br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>JCPENNEY</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
They employed noted US personality and talk-show host Ellen
DeGeneres as a corporate mascot. She is also a lesbian. The anti-gays were
outraged but rather than throwing her to the wolves, JCPenney cried havoc and
let slip the dogs of war. They released a Mother’s Day advert featuring two mothers:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lA8BgRqulno/UCwAfs46X8I/AAAAAAAAAi8/mwWfMSIWshY/s1600/JC+Penny.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="JCPenney two mums mother days lesbian advert poster" border="0" height="187" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lA8BgRqulno/UCwAfs46X8I/AAAAAAAAAi8/mwWfMSIWshY/s320/JC+Penny.jpg" title="JCPenney two mum's adverts" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I approve of the politics but hate the font</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
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And then on Father’s Day they continued their campaign with a Father’s Day image:</div>
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</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W_me6PrV8O8/UCwACsJDmSI/AAAAAAAAAi0/0cs-LbOunzc/s1600/JC+penny+2.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="JCPenney two dads fathers gay day" border="0" height="217" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-W_me6PrV8O8/UCwACsJDmSI/AAAAAAAAAi0/0cs-LbOunzc/s320/JC+penny+2.png" title="JCPenney's two dads" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Some sort of… caption… Sorry, I was too busy
going ‘aww’</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>CORE ISSUES TRUST</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6xEasldzJ2E/UCwBFOQYleI/AAAAAAAAAjM/XF-RlBuW3OE/s1600/core+issues+trust+bus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="core issues trust bus advert" border="0" height="42" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6xEasldzJ2E/UCwBFOQYleI/AAAAAAAAAjM/XF-RlBuW3OE/s400/core+issues+trust+bus.jpg" title="core issues trust" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I see what they did there</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
These adverts were supposed to appear on the side of London
buses, but I’m told that Mayor <a href="http://www.eruditiononline.co.uk/imgs/Boris_Debates_May2012.jpg" target="_blank">Boris Johnson</a>
himself (or his office) stopped them from doing so. There was a brief period
where the Core Issues Trust considered suing for that but – in my dreams at
least – they couldn’t find a jury that was truly impartial. Would they even use
a jury in that sort of case? Probably not, but it’s my dreams.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The graphics are a reference to the <a href="http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_school/education_for_all/quick_links/education_resources/4007.asp" target="_blank">get over it</a>
campaign. That was a good campaign. But the idea here is that you can brainwash a person’s preference, dictating
whether they desire a moist, quivering vagina or a turgid, pulsing penis. Presumably
you can also dictate whether people prefer circumcised penis or not and who
knows what other values. The implication of this science is that you can also
do the same in reverse. Either way, it seems accepting your nature and
exploring it in a comfortable, safe setting is dangerous while suppression,
denial and trusting a stranger to reprogram your brain is entirely legitimate.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Anti-gay. Duh</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>AMAZON</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rq_pO0uhugs/UCwBpW2BOzI/AAAAAAAAAjU/5XG_3fSJ1Jk/s1600/amazon+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="amazon logo" border="0" height="64" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rq_pO0uhugs/UCwBpW2BOzI/AAAAAAAAAjU/5XG_3fSJ1Jk/s320/amazon+logo.jpg" title="amazon logo" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Can you spot the penis?</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
On July 27<sup>th </sup>2012, the CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos and
his wife announced that they’d donated a huge amount of money to making sure gay
marriages remain legal in Washington, following the February legalisation. It
was the biggest amount of money ever donated in support of same-sex marriage.
Ever. Like, in the whole history of all currency.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
They briefly got in anti-gay hot water for a bit in 2009 –
hundreds of gay etc books lost their sales rankings including Brokeback
Mountain (Apparently it’s also a novel! Who knew?) due to a crackdown on ‘adult
literature’. This was explained as a <a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/amazon/2009/04/13/amazon-calls-mistake-embarrassing-and-ham-fisted/" target="_blank">“ham fisted cataloguing error”</a>.
It was quickly fixed. Okay, that’s a pretty weird glitch, but still – if
compensation to the LGBT (etc) community is possible then donating the most
money <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever</i> in support of same sex marriage
will surely do it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>CHEVY RUNS DEEP</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zfw2Wl1NjWE/UCwCBAHWnhI/AAAAAAAAAjc/u55N1UTNifY/s1600/chevy+runs+deep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chevy gay hybrid advert purple" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zfw2Wl1NjWE/UCwCBAHWnhI/AAAAAAAAAjc/u55N1UTNifY/s320/chevy+runs+deep.jpg" title="chevy gay hybrid advert" width="290" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Also I’m made of purple</span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I’m not sure where to start with this; that’s how loaded it
is. The Chevy manufacturing company is based in Detroit, Michigan, USA. This
advert was apparently released before the <span id="goog_1773143637"></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1773143636"><span id="goog_1773143631"></span></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1773143636">Detroit Pride celebration</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/"><span id="goog_1773143632"></span></a><span id="goog_1773143638"></span>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I’ve written before about <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/cars-of-future.html" target="_blank">ecologically friendly cars</a> and how far <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/cars-of-future-part-2.html" target="_blank">the electric motor will get you</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This was incredibly sensible marketing: promoting eco-friendly
motoring to a section of the population that prefers to be eco-friendly. While
that might sound like generalisation it’s also backed up by hardcore
statistics. It was described by critics and commentators as ‘smart’ to promote
a hybrid vehicle to a sympathetic audience. To paraphrase one advertising
report, Chevrolet has managed to connect a marginal ‘outsider’ market with
another similar ‘outsider’ product.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Whether in or out, who can afford a damn Chevy?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>RICK PERRY</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Most of my searches for anti-gay adverts result in
politicians. It’s almost as if religious politicians are exploiting the
conservative right, somehow under the false assumption that it’ll get them majority
support… but how out of touch would you have to be to think that?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V78ReJbjdxo" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This is one of the infamous ones. If you haven’t seen it
before and you’re enraged then cool your jets, hot-shot. On that individual
video I linked to there are over 470,000 views. Sure there are one thousand
likes but also over sixteen thousand DISlikes. I can live with a 16:1 ratio. Just
one more problem solved by the internet!
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Anti-gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">TARGET</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Target is based in Minnesota. Much like Amazon they got in
some anti-gay trouble and have been compensating since. I mean, Amazon’s
embarrassment was brief and accidental while Target’s was purposeful and
sustained: sponsoring a candidate for governor of Minnesota that was
passionately against gay rights.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Target was also heavily criticised for deciding to cancel
the release of an album by Frank Ocean. This was shortly after Frank Ocean had
pretty much come out as gay. Everyone strongly suspected the two events were
connected. Target has heavily insisted that it was because they didn’t want to
compete with the digital sales – despite that not making sense and also happily
doing so with other recording artists.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
In June they launched a line of gay pride t-shirts to raise
funds for an LGBT advocacy group:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DHiXqBLwrVU/UCwDsEsjGEI/AAAAAAAAAjk/1u4p1omToik/s1600/target+tshirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="love is love target gay shirt" border="0" height="308" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DHiXqBLwrVU/UCwDsEsjGEI/AAAAAAAAAjk/1u4p1omToik/s320/target+tshirt.jpg" title="Target gay t-shirt 'love is love'" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Seriously? That’s a pretty general message. I don’t think
anyone can argue that love <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">isn’t</i>
love. Sure there’s the rainbow, but if you take this image out of context it’s
pretty unremarkable. I expected something with more impact considering the fuss
that was made…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BgTklXn4e8U/UCwDymbU8tI/AAAAAAAAAjs/NzMpj_tFfwk/s1600/target+tshirt+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="pride gay shirt target" border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BgTklXn4e8U/UCwDymbU8tI/AAAAAAAAAjs/NzMpj_tFfwk/s320/target+tshirt+2.jpg" title="Target gay t-shirt 'pride'" width="318" /></a></div>
<br />
OH! Wow, yeah, that’s loud and proud eh? And then recently
they released this promotional image:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OHMCXQGXtk0/UCwEPsrfyoI/AAAAAAAAAj0/3Mg_Nd-Blu4/s1600/target+wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="target gay wedding advert poster" border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OHMCXQGXtk0/UCwEPsrfyoI/AAAAAAAAAj0/3Mg_Nd-Blu4/s320/target+wedding.jpg" title="target gay wedding" width="211" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Wait… I think my gaydar is trying to tell
me something…</i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Yet there’s still doubt in some circles. But Target is also
keen to remind everyone that they’ve been major sponsors of the Minneapolis Pride
Parade for a long time, and the organisers feel that the t-shirts aren’t just a
publicity stunt.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Probably Pretty Pro-gay</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>PEPSICO</b></span></div>
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<br />
Firstly, for a while PepsiCo were distributing Rockstar
Energy Drinks. This turned out to be a highly controversial franchise for them
since the CEO and founder of Rockstar Energy Drinks – Russell Weiner – was the
son and assistant of Dr Michael Weiner aka Michael Savage who hosted a
conservative radio show, authored such books as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Liberalism is a Mental Disorder</i>, and denounced gays as ‘sodomites
who should get AIDs and die’. But hey, I’m sure he’s a great dancer.</div>
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<br />
PepsiCo also sponsored a performance by Beenie Man who
prompted more controversy. He caused a fuss with his horribly bigoted
performance at a huge concert in Uganda, calling for the hanging of gay people.
This was at the time that the Ugandan parliament discussed a bill that would
have legalised the execution of homosexuals. Owch.</div>
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<br />
These elements prompted a limited boycott of Pepsi products
in 2009. But at the same time there were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">conservative</i>
groups boycotting Pepsi. This was because Pepsi supported the Human Rights
Campaign and PFLAG (Parents, Familes and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) in the
US. They also <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1773143668"><span id="goog_1773143662"></span></a><a href="http://www.dailyfinance.com/2009/10/09/pepsico-draws-conservative-ire-for-backing-gay-rights/" target="_blank">scored 100% in the HRC’s annual measure of inclusive employment policies</a><span id="goog_1773143663"></span>.
</div>
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<br />
The embarrassments are surely caused by the lack of
oversight that any huge corporation suffers from. Still though…</div>
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<br />
VERDICT: Probably Pretty Anti-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>GENERAL MILLS</b></span></div>
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<br />
I had no idea who General Mills were until I saw <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bs7Y9iYf_uk&feature=youtu.be" target="_blank">this video</a></b>
that’s been doing the rounds lately (embedding disabled).</div>
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<br />
What an eccentric performance. He sets some Cheerios on fire
but loses control and runs off while his (or someone’s) kids laugh. Apparently
General Mills sell Cheerios in the US but here in the UK they’re sold under the
Nestle brand.</div>
<br />
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This was a protest about the company’s support of gay marriage. The state in which the
company is based is proposing to ban gay marriage. General Mills then staged a conference
in which the chief executive voiced the company’s opposition to the
proposition, in front of an audience including over 400 gay employees. Then Ken
Charles the vice president released an open letter which said:</div>
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"We do not believe the proposed constitutional amendment is in the best interests of our employees or our state economy… …We value diversity. We value inclusion."</div>
<br />
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Who can argue with that?<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMq2hWQn1yM/UCwFSByA-lI/AAAAAAAAAj8/TUXhKMlh8mY/s1600/honey+nut+cheerios.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="honey nut cheerios advert bee gay" border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-MMq2hWQn1yM/UCwFSByA-lI/AAAAAAAAAj8/TUXhKMlh8mY/s320/honey+nut+cheerios.jpg" title="honey nut cheerios" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Also I suspect their bee is gay</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">VERDICT:
Pro-gay</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>OREO</b></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WilgfWecdf0/UCwFbu-1kJI/AAAAAAAAAkE/J9XJ2Udozg4/s1600/oreo+pride.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="rainbow oreos gay pride 2012" border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WilgfWecdf0/UCwFbu-1kJI/AAAAAAAAAkE/J9XJ2Udozg4/s320/oreo+pride.jpg" title="rainbow oreos" width="260" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>You knew this was coming</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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You must have seen this image already. Oreo put it on their
Facebook page and then, later, released this statement:</div>
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"In recognition of Pride Month, Oreo created an ad
depicting the Rainbow flag with different colors of Oreo crème. We are excited
to illustrate what is making history today in a fun and playful way… …As a
company, Kraft Foods has a proud history of celebrating diversity and
inclusiveness. We feel the Oreo ad is a fun reflection of our values."</div>
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<br />
This has all inspired some limited boycotts but it’s been so
unorganised that even other anti-gay organisations described the efforts as
‘iffy’, ‘a shambles’ and ‘an embarrassment to the cause’.</div>
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<br />
Personally I can’t decide whether I want to eat it or not. It’s
never going to be sold but if it was, would you eat one? That’s a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lot </i>of food colouring and sugar… who am
I fooling, of course I’d eat that. I’d probably eat five. At once. From my big,
cookie-filled fist.</div>
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VERDICT: Are you kidding? Pro-gay</div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>CHICK-FIL-A</b></span></div>
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<br />
These buggers have been all over various news outlets for
their highly publicised anti-gay political stance. The company has donated
millions to anti-gay rights groups and Dan Cathy, the president and COO of the
company, has said some pretty weird things.</div>
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<br />
It was a stupid comment from a stupid man about his stupid fast-food
business. However, while gay rights groups have called for a boycott – also the
hilarious and innovative protest form of homosexual kissing in front of the
franchises – those with extreme anti-gay views are all piling in to munch on
the chicken with righteous fervour. <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1773143692"><span id="goog_1773143687"></span></a><a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/08/02/a-gay-chick-fil-a-employee-speaks-out.html" target="_blank">This really interesting article</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/"> <span id="goog_1773143688"></span></a>is written by a gay employee from deep inside the Chick-Fil-A kitchens. She
makes the interesting point that the LGBT boycott also hurts the many LGBT
employees in the company; that nobody can really afford to throw their job away
no matter how unfriendly the corporate culture is. Sure the corporate culture
is now even more openly unfriendly, but the customer culture sounds actually scarily
bigoted.</div>
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<br />
She also reports that all the mobs of evangelical faithful
are chewing through Chick-Fil-A stock at a record rate. That’s depressing so
let’s have a look at a few of the Chick-Fil-A-Kiss-In Day pictures:<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yMvRwLJmOso/UCwG6vz-ILI/AAAAAAAAAkM/x-vOOTScREE/s1600/chickfila2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chick-fil-a gay kiss protest" border="0" height="243" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yMvRwLJmOso/UCwG6vz-ILI/AAAAAAAAAkM/x-vOOTScREE/s320/chickfila2.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Ooh!</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zp9ixyZ7Cus/UCwHLbrMxiI/AAAAAAAAAkU/BocejFb4Pqg/s1600/chickfila3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chick-fil-a gay kiss protest" border="0" height="212" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zp9ixyZ7Cus/UCwHLbrMxiI/AAAAAAAAAkU/BocejFb4Pqg/s320/chickfila3.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Ohhh my!</i></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IKfkFyR2yp4/UCwHXm4J1HI/AAAAAAAAAkc/pGU5Fs8deZY/s1600/chickfila4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chick-fil-a gay kiss protest baby girl" border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IKfkFyR2yp4/UCwHXm4J1HI/AAAAAAAAAkc/pGU5Fs8deZY/s320/chickfila4.jpg" title="" width="245" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Aawww!</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BBb7X_0cuKU/UCwHrvtyiZI/AAAAAAAAAkk/jL0HTf5GDCk/s1600/chickfila5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chick-fil-a gay kiss protest two baby girl" border="0" height="212" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BBb7X_0cuKU/UCwHrvtyiZI/AAAAAAAAAkk/jL0HTf5GDCk/s320/chickfila5.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>D’AAAWWW!</i></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ha4p_tX-HAU/UCwHzkHHZlI/AAAAAAAAAks/JUoL1kdleSs/s1600/chickfila+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="chick-fil-a gay kiss protest dog rubber chicken" border="0" height="232" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ha4p_tX-HAU/UCwHzkHHZlI/AAAAAAAAAks/JUoL1kdleSs/s320/chickfila+1.jpg" title="" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>D’AAW-… Wait, what?</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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Also, for the sake of anyone not living in the US,
apparently the name is not pronounced Chick-filler but more like Chick-Fill-Eh…
or like the French pronunciation of ‘fillet’ I guess. I was calling it Chick-filler
for a while. I think there’s a joke about heterosexuality in there somewhere.</div>
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VERDICT: Anti-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">THE HENSON COMPANY</span></b></div>
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<br />
Muppets! Yaaay! When the Chick-Fil-A thing splurged messily
all over the face of the news, the Jim Henson Company withdrew all its toys
from the chicken meals and promised to donate whatever money came from those
toys to GLAAD (the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation). That’s
pretty much the best thing any company could do when one of its friends goes
evil. If I haven’t mentioned that I love the muppets and indeed the entire
Henson ethos then I’ll say it here and now. I still get a bit tearful over
Rainbow Connection.</div>
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<br />
Also in case you didn’t get the news, we all stopped
speculating about Bert and Ernie years ago; the company has said time and again
that they’re just flatmates. I would add that speculating about the sexuality
of glove puppets is pretty redundant but then who doesn’t wonder about Kermit
and Miss Piggy?<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bZ2Jaqle1ek/UCwJCjjor9I/AAAAAAAAAk0/Y5Zn2w9yjn8/s1600/muppets+marriage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="miss piggy kermit 80s eighties married wedding" border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bZ2Jaqle1ek/UCwJCjjor9I/AAAAAAAAAk0/Y5Zn2w9yjn8/s1600/muppets+marriage.jpg" title="Miss Piggy and Kermit" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Decades before Ross and Rachel</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>MICROSOFT </b></span></div>
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<br />
Yep, I’m breaking out the big guns. Bill Gates has
reportedly donated $100,000 to a same-sex marriage advocacy group, Washington
United for Marriage. Of course, he wasn’t CEO of Microsoft at the time so his
actions are no reflection of the corporate culture. Incidentally Steve Ballmer the
CEO of Microsoft also donated the same amount to the same cause at the same
time as part of the same event. Microsoft refuses to comment on political
contributions made by its employees, even the CEO, stating that it respects the
nature of personal decisions. However Microsoft has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">also</i> endorsed gay marriage, writing on the official company blog
that legalising gay marriage “would be good for our business and good for the
state’s economy.” The company offers the Domestic Partner Health Benefits
coverage, meaning some unmarried couples can share health benefits regardless
of gender. Plus they have that rainbow logo.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mie86RUqkzw/UCwJN7B-WiI/AAAAAAAAAk8/brs26U4Q7Uw/s1600/microsoft+rainbow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="windows 7 logo gay rainbow colour" border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mie86RUqkzw/UCwJN7B-WiI/AAAAAAAAAk8/brs26U4Q7Uw/s320/microsoft+rainbow.jpg" title="windows 7 logo" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
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VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>APPLE</b></span></div>
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<br />
They offer the health benefits scheme for domestic partners
too. Their first logo was a rainbow apple, Steve Jobs used to wear those fancy
polo-neck jumpers almost exclusively and Tim Cook their current CEO is gay.</div>
<br />
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They also recently included gay couple icons, or ‘emojis’,
on the menu of Apple’s iPhone iOS6: </div>
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<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L2O8UOrKd3k/UCwJXn9QC0I/AAAAAAAAAlE/ZBE8WnulWK8/s1600/gay+apple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="gay emojis apple iphone app" border="0" height="106" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L2O8UOrKd3k/UCwJXn9QC0I/AAAAAAAAAlE/ZBE8WnulWK8/s400/gay+apple.jpg" title="gay emojis" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Weird that they have no mouths but whatever</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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VERDICT: Anti-gay. HA I’m just being sarcastic. Pro-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>STARBUCKS</b></span></div>
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<br />
In response to Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day (not the kissing
events, the one where all the opinionated devout piled into the restaurants
without warning the staff and masticate all of their chicken like Cookie Monsters)
the various gay organisations have tried to organise a counter-display; something
with the same numbers and turnout. Starbucks has been heavily involved in this,
continuing their long history of supporting gay rights.</div>
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<br />
Remember the ‘dump Starbucks’ campaign, where everyone
apparently had to buy a Starbucks drink and pour it down a drain or something?
That was because Starbucks were supporting gay marriage. Somehow.</div>
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<br />
You see the obvious problem with it though, right? The
protestors are still giving Starbucks their money. It helps that this backwards
protest was organised by the National Organisation for Marriage’s division
called the Corporate Fairness Project, the head of which is prominent Starbucks
shareholder Jonathon Baker. I’m not saying it was his idea to protest Starbucks
by giving them money but I’m sure he didn’t object too loudly when someone else
came up with the idea.</div>
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<br />
This all sort of started when the Starbucks executive vice
president of partner resources (aka Karen Holmes) published a memo about
same-sex marriage:</div>
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<br />
“Starbucks is proud to join other leading Northwest
employers in support of Washington state legislation recognizing marriage
equality for same-sex couples. It is core to who we are and what we value as a
company. We are proud of our Pride Alliance Partner Network group, which is one
of the largest Employer Resource Groups for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and
Transgender (LGBT) employees in the U.S., helping to raise awareness about
issues in the communities where we live and work.”</div>
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<br />
Starbucks is also quick to add that they offer domestic
partner health benefits, including dental.</div>
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<br />
VERDICT: Pro-gay</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>GOOGLE</b></span></div>
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<br />
This is the biggest trump card ever. Google has one of the
biggest political platforms ever in the form of their Google Doodles. Millions
of people witness them, every day.</div>
<br />
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This one was from Valentine’s Day 2012:</div>
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WTGUjRJiqik" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
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<br />
Alright that’s a boy and a girl but the pictures at the very
end – examples of loving marriages like cookies and milk, cats and dogs, aliens
and astronauts – included two grooms getting married. These aren’t examples of
surrealist couples, they’re examples of romance in an idealised world where
love triumphs over conflict.</div>
<br />
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They also include the <a href="http://www.google.com/diversity/legalise-love.html" target="_blank">Legalize Love webpage</a> on their site. They extensively outline their position on LGBT rights,
including the constant search for new ways to educate the ‘broader community’
aka <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">every ignorant bigot in the whole
world</i>. They have an employee network of LGBT employees, friends and allies.
These are called the Gayglers and they’re rightfully proud about how there are Gaygler
chapters across the whole world.</div>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o195BiBf4jc/UCwKpK1uGLI/AAAAAAAAAlM/osCqDS__zP0/s1600/gay+google.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="gay google pride gaygler" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o195BiBf4jc/UCwKpK1uGLI/AAAAAAAAAlM/osCqDS__zP0/s1600/gay+google.jpg" title="gayglers" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Rainbows again!</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
VERDICT: Pro-gaygler</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>WELL?</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Every year, more and more companies are providing health
benefits for employee’s spouses and partners regardless of their gender – this demonstrably
makes them more attractive employers and helps them headhunt and recruit
desired talent. When companies make stupid anti-gay mistakes,
most of them try to compensate.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
In the case of Chick-Fil-A reporting increased sales since
their elderly COO said all that stuff? There have also been other, much smaller
companies (like wedding cake bakeries and such) that have released similar
statements, attracting the same anti-gay business-boost. Starbucks’ attempt to
generate this kind of response from the LGBT crowd had much less response. I’d
like to think it’s because the intelligent, enlightened side of the debate
isn’t going to blindly throw their money at a shop. It could just as easily be a
rejection of Starbucks’ crass tactics, sheer laziness or because we already
have the various Pride events for public demonstrations.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Discrimination is stupid. The future is obvious. Many people
have likened Chick-Fil-A to the restaurants that used to have signs saying ‘no
coloreds’ (despite Chick-Fil-A not actually banning anyone from their shops). Much
like them however, Chick-Fil-A will one day have to serve humble pie. If you
want to boycott every single pro-gay company then you have to get the hell off the
internet, switch off your computer and, basically, go live in a cave.
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I won’t miss you.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-68488238240948098882012-08-06T00:49:00.000+01:002012-09-03T17:32:10.374+01:00LG Eco Homes<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
It all started with this advert:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5ewlhoQ3gaU" width="420"></iframe>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
This lead me on a short, appalling adventure that you can read about after the click.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
“If you’ve ever dreamed of having an amazing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eco-friendly</i> home”</div>
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<br />
“Let the journey of building your home begin”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
“Don’t miss out on the chance! Build your dream eco-home
today!”<br />
<br />
Maybe I’m naïve but these phrases seem to imply that I might
be rewarded with a house somehow. That’s not just me, right? I assumed this LG
advert was promoting some kind of competition where I could win an eco-home. “Don’t
miss out on the chance. Build your dream eco-home today”. What was I supposed
to think? So I clicked along to the website, undeterred by the distorted face
of that seemingly stoned dog. </div>
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<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lhSI1XnMdik/UB8BeTs8McI/AAAAAAAAAh8/iOPMOXzCR_s/s1600/LG+dog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lhSI1XnMdik/UB8BeTs8McI/AAAAAAAAAh8/iOPMOXzCR_s/s1600/LG+dog.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I am sooo happy being naked</span></i></div>
</div>
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<br />
<br />
Eventually I started to realise that there were no winners here.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
When I arrived at the site I slowly descended into a tribute
to some of the most irritating games ever: first they started with Farmville and
other such social casual games when it asked me to sign in using Facebook. This
raised a red flag for me but I still wanted to win a house. The disclaimer at the bottom of the page promises that LG won’t retain any
of my Facebook data, and when has a company ever lied about that?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Based on the scenes from the advert like something out of
the Game of Thrones opening sequence – indicating that an animator got
paid at least – I figured there’d be an interactive design element to this like The Sims
(or Sims 2, Sims 3, MySims, SimSocial or Sims Medieval). I was eager to make
something amazing. This was not the case. Instead I got a graphics-heavy tour
of highlights from the LG catalogue with no real element of choice, zooming
around two mechanically changing rooms like a moth in the digestive tract of a Transformer.
The lack of choice was disappointing but also somewhat encouraging in a way – surely easier to win my eco-house, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
All too quickly I encountered the main interactive element of this
little video adventure. I’m talking about those fairground games where you have
to manoeuvre a hoop along a bent wire but if you bump the wire then you set off
the buzzer. Remember those? Wow, really? I didn’t know that people from 1930
were in the audience. But yes, they modernised that game and made me play it
several times:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SoCA-b47f_c/UB8CNrl8p-I/AAAAAAAAAiE/x0gw8mbmmmg/s1600/LG+eco+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="259" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SoCA-b47f_c/UB8CNrl8p-I/AAAAAAAAAiE/x0gw8mbmmmg/s320/LG+eco+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> This is even less fun than you imagine</i></span></div>
</div>
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<br />
<br />
The game was almost embarrassingly easy. Too easy in fact, because
in pursuit of the smallest thrill of rebellion I did one purposefully wrong, thus discovering the funniest
and possibly cruellest part of this strange joke. It didn’t matter if I traced
the path with the logo. I dragged it straight to the destination without going
around the curves and still succeeded. If you’ve ever dragged a desktop icon
into the recycle bin then congratulations, you’ve been training for this.</div>
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<br />
Then it said I can share my ‘creation’ with some of my Facebook
friends. It picked some random friends and because the interface was awfully designed I didn’t realise until afterwards
that I could change the selection. Finally, at the very end of my journey, I was
rewarded with this final message:</div>
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<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bTOfliZdlF4/UB8CsLBf6WI/AAAAAAAAAiM/Z6RZagtMY2g/s1600/LG+existing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bTOfliZdlF4/UB8CsLBf6WI/AAAAAAAAAiM/Z6RZagtMY2g/s400/LG+existing.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> The most existing way to love our earth [sic]</span></i></div>
</div>
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<br />
<br />
Not exciting. Existing. It’s an existing way to love our
Earth. The most existing way there is! I’m… I’m pretty sure they're not going to give away any houses.</div>
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<br />
Sadly it wasn’t over yet. It sent my friends a custom movie –
except the customised elements of the movie weren’t actually decisions I made. Amongst
the highlights were my friend’s profile photos in picture frames being pawed at
by some generic dinner guests.</div>
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At one point my ‘guests’ are all drinking orange juice on my brand new sofa when the stoned dog leaps up, causing a guy to spill his drink on
himself like an idiot – so clumsily that it’s basically on purpose. If that
orange juice isn’t at least a weak cocktail then I’m a terrible host but also
WHY DID I BUY A SOFA FIRST-HAND WHEN I OWN A DOG. Then there’s a pretty awkward
scene where I wash the guy’s shirt in my shiny new LG washing machine that I had
no choice about picking. But look how amazed he is:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kww-HBFRF2s/UB8DB999yEI/AAAAAAAAAiU/NQ68hd-zfUw/s1600/LG+shirt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="201" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Kww-HBFRF2s/UB8DB999yEI/AAAAAAAAAiU/NQ68hd-zfUw/s400/LG+shirt.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The miracle of water, soap and movement!</span></i></div>
</div>
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<br />
<br />
What with my tastefully decorated home and the way this guy purposefully
spilled his drink then eagerly removed his shirt, I’m kind of sensing a slightly
Will & Grace, cartoonish-gay undertone here. I’m not entering a competition to win an eco-house but at least this guy seems to fancy me.</div>
</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-29496587167759271712012-07-16T22:06:00.000+01:002012-09-03T17:32:40.767+01:00Lynx - Sex Up A Stereotype<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
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I’ve <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/gender-equality-in-lynx-adverts.html" target="_blank">already discussed</a> how the sexuality of Lynx is
changing – women are no longer purely <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw0nMQxqL6s&feature=player_embedded" target="_blank">trophies with no personalities</a>
and men are afflicted with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw0nMQxqL6s&feature=player_embedded" target="_blank">premature perspiration</a>. There was almost gender
equality in the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw0nMQxqL6s&feature=player_embedded" target="_blank">last one we looked at</a>. Now they’ve grown even closer to
human! This is a series of adverts presented as a banner at first:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x4FxEgA7GtQ/UAR_0ph1bnI/AAAAAAAAAho/5z3M2re5HGA/s1600/lynxgirls.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x4FxEgA7GtQ/UAR_0ph1bnI/AAAAAAAAAho/5z3M2re5HGA/s640/lynxgirls.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Make a selection from this buffet of
nameless sex objects!</i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Depending on which girl you pick, you’ll be directed to a
quick one-minute advert about how to keep up with each of the girls. All of
which involves the use of Lynx shower gel, obviously. Some of them are pretty
hilarious but I’ll tell you about my favourite at the very end, after the click.</div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<b>Lynx Party Girl</b> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3bGTJHVSlrg" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
I think the implicit, unspoken fact here is that they’re
both on cocaine, right? Repainting a wall and buying a new t-shirt is cheap
compared to how much coke they must have shovelled up their noses. This guy is
really, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> sweating now but the
Lynx is hanging on in there with him. He’s been dancing from dusk till dawn and
if he has enough energy to have sex after that then he must be some kind of
superhuman. THE LYNX HAS GIVEN HIM SUPERPOWERS!<br />
<br /></div>
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It’s a little unreasonable that she doesn’t care about his
wrecked flat – sort of a self-centred person isn’t she – but when you’re in the
zone then you’re in the zone, you know?*<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*In this case ‘in the zone’ means off your tits on Florida
snow</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b>Lynx High Maintenance Girl</b> <br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/v5TBKZt6_dk" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Hey man! I like brunch. Brunch is a nice, light meal; a
chance to get some solid food before you start drinking but not so much food
that you feel weighed down.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Is it just me or does it seem like there’s a sort of sexual
dominance vibe to this relationship? It seems like if he doesn’t get her purse
open then she’ll chain him up and whip him when they get home. She seems to be
actually turned on by how he picks up the dog poop (remarkably large amount of poop from such a small dog – also that’s not a Chihuahua like the narrator says
in the shorter version of the advert). I just hope she keeps her fetish away
from her tiny, vulnerable dog.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I guess the Lynx shower gel keeps him fresh while he’s
struggling with bags and what appears to be some awfully ugly wallpaper…? Or
the shower gel covers the smell of dog crap. Either way that’s pretty great.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
<b>Lynx Sporty Girl</b><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ix_-pkQaLQc" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: left;">
There’s nothing like a bit of slapstick tennis to turn a
girl on.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br />
Ug dominate opponent, so Ug have sex in changing room!
Quick, Ug grab other woman too! Ug steal many trophies this day!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Actually, I take it back. This one certainly also has a
strong sexual-dominance vibe – possibly stronger even than High Maintenance
Girl – but it’s not coming from the man. She’s already trying to figure out how
to tie him to the pipes in the steam room and have aggressive, semi-violent sex
like something out of Goldeneye.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The Lynx shower gel probably prevented his disgusting body
odour from repelling her. On the other hand she may be the sort of athlete who
enjoys the salty, earthy smell of male exertion. Lynx may have ruined it for
her.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b>Lynx Flirty Girl</b><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vStTV5DnZSw" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
At first he seems completely downtrodden but he’s rewarded
with the chance of group sex! It’s true what they say! The meek SHALL inherit
the Earth!!<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
In that situation I’d have drunk the drink, of course –
everyone knows there’s a holding-your-cocktail tax which means the caretaker
gets to taste it. The same does not apply to beer or wine, of course.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
She’s nearly my favourite. Do I need to tell you why? Flirty
Girl is in control of her own interactions and you can’t tell her what to do,
but she also ditched the weird lothario dude and wants to have sex with you and
that random blonde girl. She’s independent but she also has great judgement and
social skills. Also, is it just me or are her breasts like, impossibly perky?<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
I’m not sure what the Lynx is achieving here. Both him and
his shower gel are completely passive in this situation.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b>Lynx Brainy Girl</b><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xSgU02_Z0zI" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
She’s my absolute favourite. You can tell she’s
brainy/geeky/a nerd because she’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wearing
glasses.</i> Smart people always have poor vision and never wear contacts. I’m
getting the weird vibe in this advert that she’s oblivious to how he wants into
her pants. I’d hope it would take more than a few fake attention-tears to
seduce her but intelligence doesn’t always equal having good taste in men.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
From the flier in her hand it seems like they’re watching
Oedipus. It’s an ancient Greek myth about a guy who unknowingly kills his
father and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">marries his mother.</i> He has
four kids with her. Later he finds out the truth and everything goes horribly wrong (more horribly).
I’m simplifying it but trust me it’s not boring. Ten minutes on Wikipedia would
have told him the same thing.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Wait… I’m not sure the play is over when he starts
applauding. At that point Brainy Girl should be asking herself, “Who
cries about Oedipus? Sure it has the scope for some emotional acting but try
not to identify<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> too</i> much with him,
you know? Or… is he giving a standing ovation to the idea of having sex with his mother?
Because he was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">very</i> eager to applaud.
It seems he’s an idiot. Maybe I’ll dump him for that guy who writes that blog!”<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The ‘original language’ described by the narrator would be
ancient Greek from centuries before Jesus. Nobody knows what that might sound
like so it’s either an impressive achievement or an elaborate, time-wasting
bluff. If they really did stretch it out to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seven
hours </i>(possibly by performing the whole series of Oedipus plays)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>then this is just indulgent – why
perform the plays in the ancient Greek language when they’re clearly not
employing ancient Greek theatre style? I’d still happily watch the show but I’d
need a lot of theatre-booze and a reserved toilet cubicle for the intervals...
oh hey, that’s right, we were talking about shower gel adverts! Now I kind of
want to see this seven-hour Oedipus play. I hope somebody good is playing
Tiresias.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x4FxEgA7GtQ/UAR_0ph1bnI/AAAAAAAAAho/5z3M2re5HGA/s1600/lynxgirls.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-x4FxEgA7GtQ/UAR_0ph1bnI/AAAAAAAAAho/5z3M2re5HGA/s640/lynxgirls.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Brainy Girl, have you met Flirty Girl?
I think you two would get on very, very well…</i></span></div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This is all quite refreshing in a way since the men are
spending time with the object of their affections, doing activities together,
sacrificing their comfort and energy, expressing an interest in their hobbies,
etc. Of course they’re still doing it specifically to get laid and the women
are still stereotypes but hey, baby steps.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-21397747463821329992012-07-14T12:20:00.000+01:002012-09-03T17:55:42.788+01:00Illuminati Olympics - 4 (Stupid) Clues<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
When viewed as a whole the Illuminati are a socialist, Catholic,
fascist, French, racist, Jewish, homosexual, German, monarchist, African, scientific,
communist, imperialist, Satanist, anti-semitic, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">extra-terrestrial</i> organisation dedicated to global exploitation,
domination and genocide. They’re pretty much the most famous secret
organisation ever, referenced in everything from historical essays to comic
books, from newspapers to music. These are all quite remarkable achievements,
especially considering THEY DON’T EXIST.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-46sm0XLnyaI/UAFEwoHLd0I/AAAAAAAAAgY/2BQz7YZaZG8/s1600/freemasons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-46sm0XLnyaI/UAFEwoHLd0I/AAAAAAAAAgY/2BQz7YZaZG8/s320/freemasons.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The Freemasons do exist but they’re also
irrelevant</i></span></div>
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Everyone kind of agrees (mostly) that the Illuminati love to
show off. They put arrogant little signs everywhere. It’s pretty stupid though
because these clues are always spotted. It might just be me, but if I was running a secret
global conspiracy I wouldn’t publicise it. I might take it seriously.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vi32Pj5S1O0/UAFFhfVFv4I/AAAAAAAAAgg/Eywy3a2cyQU/s1600/louvre.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vi32Pj5S1O0/UAFFhfVFv4I/AAAAAAAAAgg/Eywy3a2cyQU/s320/louvre.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This. Stuff like this. This is a waste of important
conspiracy funds</span></i></span></div>
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In the truest ways of apophenia (finding meaningful patterns where there are none) some conspiracy theorists have decided the Olympics are another such
Illuminati project. After the click, read about the top 4 most commonly referenced pieces of
evidence:</div>
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1. <b>THE STADIUM</b> </div>
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The Olympic Stadium in London is some pretty unremarkable
architecture. I mean, I’m sure the designers and engineers are exceptionally
proud of their work, delivered ahead of schedule and under budget. Ask most Londoners what it looks like, though, and they'll shrug indifferently. I never gave it much
thought other than how we finally have somewhere to put all the <s>money</s>
people. Others looked at the stadium and, in the words of one psychologist,
went apes**t crazy. There were triangles everywhere!
It's a widely known fact that triangles mean conspiracy. From the US dollar to the various pyramids found around the globe, from the modern Louvre pyramid pictured above to the Bermuda triangle itself: triangles really do mean conspiracy.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VkJG60ajsA/UAFGfrE2gPI/AAAAAAAAAgo/PzIEVlpRue4/s1600/olympic+triangles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VkJG60ajsA/UAFGfrE2gPI/AAAAAAAAAgo/PzIEVlpRue4/s320/olympic+triangles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Conspiracy theorists HATE
Toblerones</span></i> </div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. <b>BIG BEN</b></span><b> </b><br />
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I have one minor complaint for what is to come; the name Big
Ben does not refer to the clock tower of the Houses of Parliament but actually
the BELL in the tower. Bear in mind that this is one of the first things that
anyone would discover while researching the clock. Because the destruction of
‘the big ben’ is actually a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=BHPdB6fYHOw&feature=endscreen" target="_blank">surprisingly popular</a>
prediction for <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EBjxoyxWdOU" target="_blank">no actual reason</a>.
Other than, I mean, look at it. It’s right there.</div>
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Several folks reference the images in an Illuminati-themed
card game as predictions for the future, since
there are a few similarities already ‘established’ and/or because they are insane. It's as if the markers of the card games were aware of the Illuminati plans and are telling us the only safe way they can - via a highly publicised children's card game. Post-9/11, everyone decided the cards had been warning of the the WTC attacks for years. In another one you can see Big Ben being destroyed:</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P2YiVT9bHpY/UAFH3maMGJI/AAAAAAAAAgw/8SiX36jYqVA/s1600/conspiracy+theory+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-P2YiVT9bHpY/UAFH3maMGJI/AAAAAAAAAgw/8SiX36jYqVA/s320/conspiracy+theory+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">Both are pretty square and… uh… triangles?</span></i></div>
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Big Ben has a clock face and so does the card. Both are kind of square. Other than that they’re
pretty different with completely different fascia and dimensions. The
roofs are obviously massively different. If there <i>is </i>a hidden message then that could be any one of two dozen or so clock towers in London.</div>
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3. <b>USAIN BOLT</b> </div>
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It gets even stupider. Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter
with more gold medals and athletic records than you can express in one
sentence, has an iconic pose. The <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/wenlock-and-mandeville-olympic-mascot.html" target="_blank">Olympic mascots </a>have adopted it too. The
mascots have then encouraged schoolchildren to pose that way around the country
for various press events. They didn’t give it much effort so the pose was slightly
diluted and casual, then the images were sent across the world. Even the most
paranoid conspiracy theorists realise this is specious but there have been
several articles and videos that draw connections between the pose and the Nazi
salute, proving concretely that the organizers have a secret fascist agenda. Which
is… well, look: </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3f5hFsJ4M7k/UAFNMHg4VdI/AAAAAAAAAg8/6oUIva7UkeE/s1600/usain+bolt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3f5hFsJ4M7k/UAFNMHg4VdI/AAAAAAAAAg8/6oUIva7UkeE/s320/usain+bolt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Not very similar. But look at the shape they make! TRIANGLES!</i></span></div>
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I <i>wish </i>I was making this up.<br />
<br />
For some US Americans especially, holding out one hand is
instantly suspicious. Never mind that it’s the WRONG HAND, they’d
probably say that the left hand is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more</i>
indicative of something or other. Or maybe just triangles. Again, with a tiny amount of research the
conspiracy theorists would discover it’s not a Nazi thing – it’s an inspiringly
joyous and talented, black, Jamaican athlete. It’s hard to look at him and
imagine he's the puppet of a centuries-old Illuminati world-domination conspiracy.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6kbxK8eefr8/UAFZSr-CiZI/AAAAAAAAAhY/XmiX3Ps6NOM/s1600/bolt+vs+branson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="185" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6kbxK8eefr8/UAFZSr-CiZI/AAAAAAAAAhY/XmiX3Ps6NOM/s320/bolt+vs+branson.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">I mean, he's obviously the puppet of a much more recent world-domination conspiracy...</span></i></div>
</div>
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4. <b>THE LOGO </b></div>
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Lastly, look at the official London Olympic logo and you’ll
probably see nothing more than what was intended: the iconic image of Lisa
Simpson giving a blowjob. But <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2rYNQjUj6I" target="_blank">others</a>
have torn the logo apart then lined it up in a different way, thus discovering
that it spells Zion:</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LHCjcB8AXnI/UAFUgiC3SXI/AAAAAAAAAhI/wX-ZKq2e-9c/s1600/illuminati+olympic+logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LHCjcB8AXnI/UAFUgiC3SXI/AAAAAAAAAhI/wX-ZKq2e-9c/s320/illuminati+olympic+logo.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> Um, just need to jiggle the N a
little bit…</i></span></div>
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The word Zion is quite loaded. Zionists are a
recognised political faction who support Israel and anti-Zionism usually refers to wanting a free
Palestine. There’s a song called Jerusalem which is one of England’s backup
national anthems (everyone needs a few) and it promises that we’ll build
Jerusalem on ‘England’s green and pleasant land’. I sang the song at the end of
every school term and I still get nostalgic about it. I’ve never heard Stratford
being described as green*, and I’ve heard it described as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">un</i>pleasant quite a lot. It’s almost literally the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">opposite</i> of where we’re supposedly
building Jerusalem.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Which is unfair since London actually has the most
proportional public parkland of any capital city in the world, all of which is
enjoyed thoroughly during every last second of sunlight</span></div>
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It’s apparently also on some intersecting ley lines, on a site that was
previously declared toxic - as if it was being kept safe especially for this occaision. And did I mention the triangles?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VkJG60ajsA/UAFGfrE2gPI/AAAAAAAAAgo/PzIEVlpRue4/s1600/olympic+triangles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3VkJG60ajsA/UAFGfrE2gPI/AAAAAAAAAgo/PzIEVlpRue4/s320/olympic+triangles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> GOD DAMN YOU TRIANGLES!</i></span></div>
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My beloved city has enough of its own violent insanity
without well-meaning dickheads filling their knowledge-gaps with paranoid fantasies.</div>
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All hail Discordia.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-12576677799301426952012-07-02T23:30:00.001+01:002012-07-02T23:41:17.124+01:00Go Compare - Did They Kill Him?<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Earlier today the countdown of the Go Compare adverts ended. They had been building up all week to something happening today, and I <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/go-compare-will-they-kill-him.html" target="_blank">speculated</a> earlier today that they would kill him - the purposefully vandalised billboard posters and the irritated viewers included at the end of every new advert, along with the countdown, seemed to point to an impending paradigm change. The advert is <i>finally </i>online so I can finally link to it and put you all out of your suspenseful misery.</div>
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Either <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/go-compare-will-they-kill-him.html" target="_blank">follow this link</a> to check out the theories from earlier in the day or check out the new Go Compare generation:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wALlG9HqfRs" width="560"></iframe>
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<br />
Now let's just do a quick review and put this all behind us (after the jump in case of spoilers)<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>That was pretty darn good! It seems this is what Gio Compario's life has come to, just running through the streets and singing at people annoyingly. Everyone treats him as a minor nuisance, to be pitied or hated. When his song doesn't get a response he seems genuinely upset and confused as though this is the only way he can communicate - the lost member of a race of opera singers from some strange planet in space.<br />
<br />
And then he's detonated by a huge yellow shoulder-mounted missile launcher.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5w5DaOPlXPk/T_IfiPqQQ6I/AAAAAAAAAgE/SezCdx--s1Y/s1600/go+compare+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5w5DaOPlXPk/T_IfiPqQQ6I/AAAAAAAAAgE/SezCdx--s1Y/s320/go+compare+5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I really, really want one</i></span></div>
<br />
When I stopped laughing I realised that during the ad I could hear all the sounds. It was amazing! There was no annoying music! Half of his singing was muted by the window! The sounds themselves were so textural and physical. They powerfully enhanced the montage of her setting up her missile launcher. There was <i>atmosphere!</i><br />
<br />
But the real question is, did it work? If you wait to the very, very end then the answer is no. No they didn't kill bloody bastard Gio Compario. Then again, they might be doing something even better. The title of that advert up there is 'Saving the Nation Sue'. There's a little tiny hashtag instruction at the bottom while the logo swoops in: I want to... #savingthenation.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3BBG8w6RcCQ/T_IdRyug-_I/AAAAAAAAAf8/oLs-xeoZXAg/s1600/go+compare+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3BBG8w6RcCQ/T_IdRyug-_I/AAAAAAAAAf8/oLs-xeoZXAg/s400/go+compare+4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>See? There it is...</i></span></div>
<br />
The implication I'm getting here is that over time, we're going to see Gio Compario be punished over and over again, destroyed more times than a cartoon character. If you use the hashtag you can also suggest ways to kill him. Blowing him up didn't work - what's next? Wild dogs? A pit of snakes? Catapulting him into acid? A steamroller? Tying him up, loading him into a plane, flying out over the ocean and pushing him into the water? I feel like we're going to get a lot of fun out of poor old Gio!<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kDdoJQuwyos/T_IgQdCP24I/AAAAAAAAAgM/NUD1w9JhSKc/s1600/go+compare+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kDdoJQuwyos/T_IgQdCP24I/AAAAAAAAAgM/NUD1w9JhSKc/s320/go+compare+6.jpg" width="280" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Don't give me that look - you brought this on yourself</i></span></div>
<br /></div>Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-85940131282186176002012-07-02T13:16:00.003+01:002012-09-03T17:57:28.125+01:00Go Compare - Will They Kill Him?<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Here's something that might make your day: for the past week or so the Go Compare adverts on TV have been counting down to something. Nobody knows what it is. There's some speculation that they will be retiring their renowned, infamous opera singer <a href="http://www.giocompario.com/" target="_blank">Gio Compario</a>.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TPEb7XrjMjU/T_GK1NQZkII/AAAAAAAAAfw/pyKLzt8UJLQ/s1600/go+compare+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TPEb7XrjMjU/T_GK1NQZkII/AAAAAAAAAfw/pyKLzt8UJLQ/s320/go+compare+1.jpg" width="251" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>For essential therapy, print out this image and attach to a punching bag</i></span></div>
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<br />
Seek satisfaction after the click:<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>Even if you never watch TV you are probably still aware of the much-hated Go Compare singer. He sings about car insurance in a variety of settings and musical themes, which at first seemed fun but grew irritating very quickly. The man who portrays him, Wynne Evans, is actually a professional opera singer who was forced to go into hiding over a year ago. Even Go Compare themselves are aware of what they've created, and approach it with a certain sense of humor, such as allowing Jimmy Carr to crush the guys balls:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Euh9zWmASN4" width="560"></iframe>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>It's okay to cheer at this</i></span></div>
<br />
But now something has changed. The latest Go Compare adverts have pulled back from the TV and shown faceless viewers becoming enraged by Gio, variously crushing biscuits or desperately trying to mute the TV. At the very end there's a countdown and a date, promising new Go Compare adverts:</div>
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/skNxudewdpE" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Why build up a countdown and everything if the new ones are just going to be more Gio Compario? They clearly know how much we hate their singer, and giving us more of him may cause some viewers to storm the Go Compare offices waving pitchforks, burning torches and an extra-wide noose. So the question is, what will these new adverts be like? People have been speculating across the internet and nobody knows!! I'm honestly quite excited. Maybe they'll be understated and tasteful! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The date given in the advert is actually <i>today!</i> Rest assured I'll be keeping an eye on the situation and when there's some news, you'll hear it here first!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">PS: You heard it here first! <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/go-compare-did-they-kill-him.html" target="_blank">Come and watch what happened to him</a>, and then let's talk about it! </span>Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-5478043309309768652012-06-28T20:55:00.000+01:002014-06-03T23:22:06.723+01:007 Adverts from the Olympic Buildup<br />
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I’ve seen the warnings about how to plan your transport and
how to avoid getting caught in unusual rush hours. I’ve followed the debate
about what to do with the big stadium after it’s finished. I’ve seen <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/wenlock-and-mandeville-olympic-mascot.html" target="_blank">Wenlock and Mandeville</a> in shops now, and I’ve even seen a few kids on the tube
carrying the little Wenlock dolls. I’ve been enraged by the various conspiracy
theorists who think we’ll all die in 2012. This can only mean one thing: THE
LONDON OLYMPICS ARE JUST A MONTH AWAY.</div>
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Like with any major sporting event, the adverts have all
cashed in too. A while ago <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/superbowl" target="_blank">we looked at the Superbowl adverts</a>, so now let’s
have a look at some of the adverts in the build-up to the Olympics after the click:</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Visa: Life Flows Better
with Visa</b></div>
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Does the stunning diversity and determination of
these athletes (there’s not just all ethnicities and economic backgrounds but
also the Paralympic athletes are in there too!) make you want to buy a credit card? Do
you honestly imagine that the huge planetwide financial network is somehow
supportive and highly moral, as they seem to be asserting?</div>
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Me neither.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Tampax: Death to Mother
Nature</b></div>
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Adverts for
tampons and pads have always been about how active you can be whilst still
ensuring that you don’t get blood all over your ski suit/jet bike/water
skis/white sofa/ice skates/rocket car/dog. But good grief:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/PC3y5kM0ng4" width="560"></iframe>
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Ooooh, look at her go!</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gyPCiiURhBY/T-ypboZT8aI/AAAAAAAAAfY/q6o3SrxHTlo/s1600/tampax+girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gyPCiiURhBY/T-ypboZT8aI/AAAAAAAAAfY/q6o3SrxHTlo/s320/tampax+girl.jpg" height="177" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">So pretty! And the way she confidently overcomes bleeding from
the vagina actually </span></i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">IS</span><i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> attractive</span></i></div>
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Anyway, there have been at least two important studies of
female athletes and it’s been concluded that mostly it doesn’t matter if you’re
having your period or not. Sure, there are factors to consider like iron deficiency
and stress-related <i>lack</i> of menstruation. But having a wedge of cotton stuffed
down your pants or up your twat will probably be uncomfortable (I have a penis
so I don’t know) and I’m sure most athletes will risk the limited ridicule of
a heavy flow in exchange for unimpeded peak performance. Even I would endure blood stains on my running shorts for a gold medal, and I'm no kind of athlete.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">British Airways: Don't Fly</b></div>
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<b> </b></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ro5v_osntZ4" width="560"></iframe>
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Watch that one back without the sound. Imagine it’s the news footage of a
strange airline accident:</div>
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“Good evening, this is the 6 o’clock news. Disaster struck
London today as several immense passenger planes accidentally landed at notable
London landmarks. The disruption to traffic is still being resolved, but for
now the victims of these misdirected planes have been relocated to the Olympic Stadium
to be processed, given first aid and then reunited with their families and luggage. While
British Airways staff have been praised for their ability to keep up spirits – handing
out arts and crafts materials as the planes taxied through East London and even
painting the faces of children to build morale – serious questions are being
asked of Heathrow traffic control. All of the pilots are on suspension pending
inquiries into how this could have been allowed to happen.”</div>
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The tagline is ‘Don’t Fly. Support Team GB’. Is that a very
productive thing for an airline to tell people? “Sure, stay in London and
support the UK effort to win some gold medals. And after that, why fly anyway?
Just don’t ever fly again!” Way to go, British Airways. It feels like this was an advert aimed at the audiences of
other nations, with different captions for each nation. Something like ‘Fly team GB. Support your own’. But when it came to England itself, they really got it wrong.</div>
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Incidentally the music was London Calling by The Clash (in case you're some sort of ignorant not-me). You’ll probably hear a lot from The Clash this summer – I’m
sure the BBC and every other media broadcaster ever will think to use London
Calling at some point. Speaking of which...</div>
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<b>Omega: Start Me Up</b></div>
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Timing races and sprints and whatnot is a major part of the Olympics, obviously. Omega the watch company has apparently secured that juicy, delicious sponsorship deal. Surprise, they went with a Rolling Stones soundtrack:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/QSRXCVfJAOE" width="560"></iframe>
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....</div>
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Sorry, I was rocking out. Where was I? Oh yeah, watches or something.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">UPS: That's Olympic Logistics</b></div>
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Urgh. From Rolling Stones to this... this curse. The infamous <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbiOmV8QUjU" target="_blank">UPS Olympic advert</a> has a blog post all
of its own and you can <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/variety-is-spice-of-adverts.html" target="_blank"><b>click this link</b></a> to read my views on it. THE BITCH JUST
WON’T DIE!!</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Virgin Media: Usain Bolt Looks Nothing Like
Richard Branson</b></div>
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Virgin often <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdFuUzxanjw" target="_blank">recruits beloved celebrities</a>
to promote its various things from internet to space travel. But when Virgin
Media featured Usain Bolt (a star Jamaican runner with a list of athletic
achievements longer than… well, it’s very long) it fell kind of flat. Because
look at the advert:<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gpNtntHVrkc" width="560"></iframe>
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Usain Bolt is fast. Virgin media’s
broadband is apparently also fast. Therefore give Usain Bolt a blond goatee and
pretend like he’s pretending to be Richard Branson…? I mean, my first instinct
would have been to stage some kind of race, althete vs internet, because the
point is speed. But they produced a whole series of adverts with Bolt in his
running gear posing as Branson while Branson went Wile E. Coyote about getting
back into his office. Maybe I didn’t get it, but I’m pretty sure nobody else
did either. It’s not funny apart from the one intentional sight gag about how ridiculously different Usain Bolt looks
from Richard Branson: one is tall and athletic with short hair and no beard, the
other is late-to-middle aged with hair all over.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uWKxjpigJjU/T-y0WRWWLQI/AAAAAAAAAfk/wWTQLFq7hTw/s1600/bolt+vs+branson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uWKxjpigJjU/T-y0WRWWLQI/AAAAAAAAAfk/wWTQLFq7hTw/s320/bolt+vs+branson.jpg" height="185" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>I feel like there’s another important difference
but I can’t figure it out…</i></span></div>
</div>
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Bolt does his famous 'to di world' pose at the end like it's somehow relevant, but it <i>does</i> mean when the film shoot ends, Bolt can go back to his hotel room and roll around on piles of money. For ten minutes at least before he has to keep training, obviously.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Argentina: The Falklands</b></div>
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One interesting advert that caused quite a lot of
controversy (at the time) came out on TV in Argentina of all places. You
wouldn’t think it was important since all most of us know of Argentina is how
it <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Spy3Nd2D6w" target="_blank">shouldn’t cry for Madonna</a>.
But you should also know some background about this thing: the UK and Argentina
went to war over the Falkland Islands (and the oil beneath it) in the 80s. Hundreds died
on both sides and Britain ended up with them. That advert shows apparently-famous Argentine athletes training around the Falkland Islands, then the caption translates as 'To compete on English soil we train on Argentine soil'. You can understand how that would ruffle some feathers. The silliest part is that they aren't actually adverts <i>for</i> anything.</div>
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If it was any other set of islands it probably wouldn’t even
matter – they’re cold, lonely and pretty unproductive. Hell, penguins and wind-farms
are featured in the advert, literally immediately! How is that for giving you a
sense of atmosphere? Do you like fishing boats grounded by the tide (and also having oil fields)? Then fight for the Falklands!</div>
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But the Argentinian teams are still welcome in our city. Hell,
I’ll buy every Argentine athletic team a drink in the name of peace. It won't even be poisoned.<br />
<br />
Unless I've put money on their event.<br />
<br />
Don’t forget to watch out for more Olympic adverts as the
events get underway in London – it promises to be hilarious. Then come on back
here and let’s talk about them.</div>
</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-33040222718731240372012-06-18T21:10:00.000+01:002012-09-03T18:05:00.805+01:00Spotlight on Robin - Generations of Red Tunics<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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There will be spoilers. OBVIOUSLY.</div>
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After I decided it was <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/gotham-vs-metropolis.html" target="_blank">better to live in Gotham over Metropolis</a> (because both are dangerous but one is more fun and relaxed), I
also expressed a huge number of insights into <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/spotlight-on-superman.html" target="_blank">the nature of Superman</a>: his
radiation poisoning gives him telekinetic abilities. After this it was
suggested that I do the same for Batman. But his story is incredibly well known
and unsurprising, apart from a few obscure conspiracy theories. His parents
died and he went on a self-destructive international journey but happened to
learn ninja and detective skills on his way. Big whoop. You know whose stories
are interesting, though? Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown
and Damian Wayne. That’s right, Robin. There’s a lot to know about Robin and
most people don’t know anything. Yes, Robin sometimes wasn’t even a boy!</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CDKmp6LqP6I/T9906WepLBI/AAAAAAAAAdg/5WQseNQhJXc/s1600/robin+girl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CDKmp6LqP6I/T9906WepLBI/AAAAAAAAAdg/5WQseNQhJXc/s320/robin+girl.jpg" width="136" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>This image confuses my sexuality</i></span></div>
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Read more after the bat-click:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
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The first Robin was Dick Grayson. From now on I’m calling
him Richard instead of Dick, for obvious reasons. He was the son of an
acrobatic husband-and-wife duo who performed with him in the circus. Since he
was on the road with his family the whole time he didn’t really get to settle
into school, or even attend one really, but he was an amazing gymnast. When his
parents were killed by the mafia he was adopted by Bruce Wayne. When Richard and
Bruce discussed how their parents were killed by criminals, Bruce made the
decision to let Richard in on the whole ‘overpowered vigilante’ aspect of his
existence. Whilst some have termed them <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEAYcR8w_tE" target="_blank">the ambiguously gay duo</a> they were in fact a crime-fighting powerhouse and the original Dynamic Duo. When Richard Grayson grew up a bit he
eventually put the Robin persona aside and became Nightwing, his territories
including a city called Bludhaven and then New York. This Robin survived
happily, established his own career, counted Batman as a successful starting
point and supportive father figure, and even at times <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">became</i> Batman to cover for his foster-father’s various absences.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N4rjTWDCIq4/T992RSJGVAI/AAAAAAAAAdo/A4Nii1s2K08/s1600/nightwing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="281" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N4rjTWDCIq4/T992RSJGVAI/AAAAAAAAAdo/A4Nii1s2K08/s320/nightwing.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Call me Nightwing – screw Robin. Wait no, I
don’t mean… I don’t mean that. This is getting more confusing</span></i></div>
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The second Robin was Jason Todd. In some stories Batman
found him trying to steal the hubs from the batmobile and took a shine to him. He
was Robin for a few years but was… less popular with the audience. And by less popular I mean at one point,
the publishers held a phone vote for the fans: whether to have Jason Todd
survive or die at the hands of Joker. The phone vote was amazingly in favour of
having Jason Todd be beaten to death and blown up by Joker – this was before
the internet even. That’s almost the only remarkable part of his story.</div>
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He was later revealed to have been alive when supposedly
dead. The past is quite often rewritten like this in comics, which is called a
ret-con, or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ret</i>roactive <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">con</i>tinuity. In secret Jason recovered
his health and became the Red Hood. As a brief aside, the name Red Hood has
some history: it was originally the alias of Joker. Yes, the same Joker who beat him to death and blew him up.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-K5nFeKL_-1k/T994A66gTDI/AAAAAAAAAd4/tBodL5EHBBY/s1600/red+hood+joker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-K5nFeKL_-1k/T994A66gTDI/AAAAAAAAAd4/tBodL5EHBBY/s320/red+hood+joker.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>You don't</i><i> recognise that sense of style and panache?</i></span></div>
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Maybe Jason Todd felt it was appropriate to take an
alter-ego from the man who supposedly murdered him, rebranding the Red Hood
from a murderous criminal into a murderous anti-hero. Or maybe a murderous criminal
since Jason Todd is no longer really a hero. Either way, it was the ‘murderous’
part that sat badly with Batman. For some reason (it may have been explained
better in the actual books but probably not) Jason wants to take his revenge on
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Batman</i>, not on the Joker – the one
who actually sort-of killed him.</div>
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<br /></div>
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After the ‘final encounter’ with Batman (pft, of course it
wasn’t the final encounter) he also spent a little time as Nightwing, seriously
pissing off Richard Grayson (just to remind you, he was the first Robin and the
real Nightwing). After that<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>it gets
somewhat complicated with parallel dimensions and whatnot, but he also steps on
Grayson’s toes once more, pretending to be another Batman during the bit where
Grayson was covering for Bruce’s faked death. Jason Todd isn’t very good at it though
since he starves, tortures and kills criminals in his own little bat-cave. He’s
probably not<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>included in Bruce’s will.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Tb9KHeHrcw/T9948esvLYI/AAAAAAAAAeA/cGAIMQz-tlE/s1600/jason+todd+asshole.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Tb9KHeHrcw/T9948esvLYI/AAAAAAAAAeA/cGAIMQz-tlE/s320/jason+todd+asshole.jpg" width="302" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Jason Todd is the asshole with the
knife and the cool streak of white hair</i></span></div>
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The next, third Robin was named Tim Drake. Long before becoming Robin, little Timmy was a huge fan of ‘The Flying
Graysons’, and got a picture with the whole father-mother-son team before
the parents died. Later little Timmy recognised a signature Flying Grayson
acrobat move being performed by Robin (before Todd replaced Grayson). Timothy
Drake, aged nine, managed to deduce the identities of Batman and Robin. Do I
need to repeat that? A nine year old figured out who Batman is. Nine years old.
TIME DRAKE IS AWESOME.</div>
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After Jason Todd disappeared, Tim Drake saw that Batman was
growing too violent and reckless. That was when he approached Bruce Wayne and after the obvious
initial audition and adjustment phase, he became the next Robin and a
stabilising influence for Batman. In essence, Tim Drake rescued the big bad Batman
from suicide-by-heroism.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
As for how he ended up? Well… SPOILERS!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p_5fVZ8OWuY/T995LT6cQiI/AAAAAAAAAeI/8wpp5W3WDwA/s1600/tim+drake+joker+death.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p_5fVZ8OWuY/T995LT6cQiI/AAAAAAAAAeI/8wpp5W3WDwA/s320/tim+drake+joker+death.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Yeeeeup</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This is just in the animated series, alright? It’s just the
cartoon! In the comic book story – which is the one that really counts – he is
totally alive and well (at the time of writing). In the official, current story
of Batman, Tim Drake is definitely perfectly fine. Okay? Stop crying. The story in the cartoon is definitely divergent. But yeah,
when he got Joker-ised in the cartoon <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI-pP5cJG68" target="_blank">it was very awful</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
In the universe of the animated series (these days only
continued by Batman Beyond), poor little Robin was kidnapped by Joker and very
gruesomely brainwashed over several weeks, using electrotherapy, a wide variety
of drugs, good old brute-force torture and also Joker’s iconic flavour of
mental manipulation and nonsense-speaking. Sure, Batman and Batgirl and
everyone else were combing Gotham exhaustively, searching high and low for any
sign of where Tim might have gone, but Joker only gave Batman a clue when Tim’s…
procedures were complete.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Tim was rescued (physically at least) but retired as Robin.
Decades later he has a stable job in Wayne Industries, maybe even a wife and
2.4 children. That’s when Tim Drake ends up channelling the vengeful spirit of Joker.
Like, science-wise, not magic or anything obviously. He had microchips in his
brain or something. It was honestly quite a disappointing story <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI-pP5cJG68" target="_blank">after such a good setup</a>.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1Z_oqgxVuRI/T996RUBttqI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/GJaL42rRdPg/s1600/tim+drake+cartoon+adult.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-1Z_oqgxVuRI/T996RUBttqI/AAAAAAAAAeQ/GJaL42rRdPg/s1600/tim+drake+cartoon+adult.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>This is not the face of an
incredibly exciting, beyond-the-grave revenge story</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
In the comic book universe, which is the one that counts like I said, the little boy who figured out
who Batman and Robin were, then saved Batman by becoming a new Robin is pretty
much alive and well. He has an armoured tunic and several other important,
life-saving gadgets. The embarrassing green underwear is pretty much
discarded by this stage, and nobody was sorry to see it go. He also has a signature
weapon – an extendable staff that is pretty damn kick-ass. In some stories it has holes in
either end to make it whistle eerily when he twirls it, which can apparently
disorient and confuse criminals. No, that’s not crappy. It’s badass. He also
has several shuriken and stuff too, alright? The whistling staff is not a euphemism…
Damn.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Anyway, as he became an adult he basically repurposed the
Red Robin identity and used it for good. Unlike Jason what’s-his-face, Tim
Drake was a proper good guy.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HYMaobyJGcQ/T996eyQcw0I/AAAAAAAAAeg/y4ZvYXXB8SY/s1600/tim+drake+red+robin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HYMaobyJGcQ/T996eyQcw0I/AAAAAAAAAeg/y4ZvYXXB8SY/s320/tim+drake+red+robin.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> The green underwear may be gone but that's still his package right there</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The next Robin, Robin #4, was Stephanie Brown. From here the
soap opera factor increases by a factor of about ten. She was the daughter of a
bank robber (all the pretty ones are), the on-off girlfriend of Tim Drake and she
started out as a villain named Spoiler. Get it? There will be spoilers, like I
said at the beginning? HA!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Anyway, she was Robin for only a short time. She did it while
Tim was absent from the role, for a variety of reasons here and there. This is
one of the reasons she was so often dismissed as ‘not a real Robin’. Stephanie was
also a Batgirl for a while, of which there have also been a few. When she tried
to finally prove herself to Batman by ending <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">all organised crime in Gotham,</i> she accidentally started a gang war which
resulted in her being captured and tortured in the midst of it. She died in
hospital from her torture wounds.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HLQ52aps3_k/T998FG8OIWI/AAAAAAAAAeo/aICF_WAKOpk/s1600/steph+robin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HLQ52aps3_k/T998FG8OIWI/AAAAAAAAAeo/aICF_WAKOpk/s1600/steph+robin.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>What is it about girls dressed as Robin? The
confusion continues…</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Lots of fans complained that she had been killed prematurely
by chauvinist, women-hating lead writers. She was controversial before, but the
lack of a display dedicated to her in the bat-cave was an even bigger issue. It
was even heavily referenced in the comics themselves, such as a conversation
between Bruce and his butler Alfred. Everyone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">else</i> gets an altar, even Jason Todd after the bitterness faded! Why
not the girl-Robin?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
BECAUSE SHE WASN’T REALLY DEAD EITHER! Good grief, it’s like
nobody ever dies except people’s parents! She secretly returned as Spoiler, her old
persona, and then eventually revealed she was alive the whole time and becomes
Batgirl again. This plot twist was probably due to pressure from the fans. The writers explained away this back-pedalling by saying her identity was compromised during her torture so she faked her death
with the help of a doctor at the hospital. Batman apparently suspected this, so
he never set up a tribute to her in the cave. I mean, sure, some even get
tributes while they’re alive… but whatever.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GuG7f0T4p_Q/T998klIa6BI/AAAAAAAAAe4/kCFazXrSrPw/s1600/robin+trophy+case.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GuG7f0T4p_Q/T998klIa6BI/AAAAAAAAAe4/kCFazXrSrPw/s1600/robin+trophy+case.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> Seriously, about time</i></span></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
She’s popular with most audiences but apparently not with
writers. She’s not been seen very often these days.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The last, current Robin is actually the son of Bruce
Wayne/Batman. Damian Wayne. He became part of the main continuity in 2006. Alright,
stop coughing in shock. We were all surprised. Bruce probably was too. I mean
like, face-slapping and mouth-hanging-open surprise like in a cheesy, terrible soap
opera. Listen:</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The mother was Talia al Ghul. Yes, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> Talia al Ghul. Batman and the daughter of Ra’s al Ghul, who was the semi-immortal leader of a secret assassination cult, had a
baby. Well, I say ‘had a baby’. The boy was genetically tweaked and gestated in a laboratory. Then he
was raised by an insane and morally corrupt secret society until about
age 9 or 12, whereupon he was left with Bruce. This situation was probably fine
after Bruce recovered his composure and was able to swallow his coffee. The kid
was probably glad to finally have a stable family environment. Sure, he first
worked as Robin while Grayson posed as Batman and Bruce posed as dead. But that
probably wouldn’t even cause a ripple in the deep puddle of his psychological
issues. Sure, he beheaded a man when he was a boy. But... um...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5goLgBK8b_g/T9989i7vVCI/AAAAAAAAAfA/Ace84RFQEZY/s1600/grayson+and+wayne.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5goLgBK8b_g/T9989i7vVCI/AAAAAAAAAfA/Ace84RFQEZY/s400/grayson+and+wayne.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i> This is a healthy environment for a
child</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
But after that, when Bruce came back, reclaimed his life and
reprised his role as Batman? They sort of tried to give Damian Wayne enough space and
stability to allow his psyche to develop, adjust and stabilise. The other Robins, Batman and even Alfred all agree that the kid just needs to learn empathy and ethics, that he's young enough that it's not too late. Wait… what? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">His name is Damian</i>? Oh god! Uh, I mean, no, that kid
is probably <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">perfectly fine</i>. Just
because he has a Jason-like appetite for violence...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
This also means Bruce Wayne is a parent now, which increases
his risk of mortality by about 800%. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IV9k7oqRDwc/T9-FUv8GiLI/AAAAAAAAAfM/yYVw6HIZUIE/s1600/batman+grave.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IV9k7oqRDwc/T9-FUv8GiLI/AAAAAAAAAfM/yYVw6HIZUIE/s320/batman+grave.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Risk of </i>actual <i>mortality, that is</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Now you’re up to date on the five Robins so far and we know
where we stand in this pile of who-said-what. To summarise: Dick Grayson, orphan of
the Flying Graysons, was Robin until becoming Nightwing; Jason Todd, street
urchin, was Robin until being voted to death by the audience, then was later resurrected
to become an asshole; Tim Drake, a special kind of genius, fights with a stick and was Robin
until deciding to work on redeeming the name of Red Robin; Stephanie Brown (or
Steph) was a pretty, jabbering Robin with bushy blond hair who later switched to Batgirl, but was later
written to death by an editorial mandate from complete assholes, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">then</i> later resurrected by popular demand; Damian Wayne is
Bruce’s son and the tiniest, most worrisome Robin to date.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
More interesting than Batman, aren’t they?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Some people also count Carrie Kelly as a Robin. But she only
occurs in one parallel dimension, the infamous Earth 31. Earth 31 is, among
other things, basically a convenient dimension to dump most of the stories written by Frank Miller. This sadly includes Carrie Kelly. There is enough tangled
story-telling going on above without also involving poor Carrie.</span></div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-73207028807891517392012-06-13T22:35:00.000+01:002012-09-03T18:06:49.044+01:00Wagon Wheels - The Truth Is In There<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
Wagon Wheels are great. For those of you who don’t know or
if you’re diabetic, you’re seriously missing out. A Wagon Wheel is a biscuit,
marshmallow and chocolate disc made out of deliciousness.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9HtQb4XSNss/T9kEQyCPHYI/AAAAAAAAAc8/HSuGuOCkaaI/s1600/wagon+wheel+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9HtQb4XSNss/T9kEQyCPHYI/AAAAAAAAAc8/HSuGuOCkaaI/s200/wagon+wheel+1.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>They also sometimes have jam or caramel
inside. Seriously</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The new promotion campaign, involving almost every element of social media, is based on how aliens are controlling you via these Wagon Wheels. Read more after the click!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> <br /><br />
Like many, many people I completely forgot that Wagon Wheels
existed. But the adverts are all about reminding you, catching your attention
with whispered panic and glimpses of horror. <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/DokPZb9EL-0" target="_blank">Check out this 40 second advert</a></b>,
and keep an eye on the girl Abi.</div>
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<br />
The girl started out quite sceptical about all this ‘martian-mallow’
nonsense, eager to chomp down on Wagon Wheels (they are SO chomp-able). But playing the old
Wagon Wheels jingle backwards apparently reveals a hidden alien message, ‘EARTH
WILL SOON BE OURS’. Then some other stuff happens in a wobbly-cam style montage
and the girl is the one who delivers the tagline, ‘the truth is in there’. Get
it? In there? Because one of the X Files quotes is ‘the truth is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">out</i> there’? Classic.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oTeiTXvDWRc/T9kEeqUBVxI/AAAAAAAAAdE/qOt1YUKppqk/s1600/wagon+wheels+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oTeiTXvDWRc/T9kEeqUBVxI/AAAAAAAAAdE/qOt1YUKppqk/s320/wagon+wheels+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Since you’re asking, yes I would like a
free box of Wagon Wheels</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
It worked very well, because the next time I saw a packet of
Wagon Wheels in the shop I leaped at them like a rabid monkey. But this is… kind
of opposite effect that the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDLfz61pIk8" target="_blank">kids in the advert wanted</a>,
isn’t it? They’re trying to warn us about Wagon Wheels. You’d think we <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wouldn’t</i> want to eat more of them! I’M EATING
ONE RIGHT NOW! Then I’ll need to go and buy some more because this is my last
one. God they're tasty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Gr205NP-XBw" target="_blank">Watch this quick 2 minute video</a></b> where they explore some crop
circles. For a start, yes there is a blog and <a href="http://www.thetruthisinthere.org/" target="_blank">yes you should check it out</a>. The online presence continues at the <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/77416741@N03/" target="_blank">Flickr page</a>
or the <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/benbelieves" target="_blank">Twitter account</a>. This is a proper internet campaign that's both fun to chase down and also pretty impressive. They have articles, references to 'legitimate' crop circles and alien sightings, stuff like that. Even <a href="http://www.thetruthisinthere.org/the-rumours-are-true/#comments" target="_blank">the comments</a>
on their blog articles support the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr205NP-XBw" target="_blank">fun little fiction</a>.
That is, if it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is </i>fiction…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
If Martians are really trying to suppress us with
martian-mallow then I’m not too worried. Their plot seems really… subtle. It’ll
probably be a few years until it comes to fruition, and even then we’ll be up
against aliens who use marshmallow and crop circles as mind control. What do
they use for weapons, liquorice swords?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mDGkRq4YYGM/T9kFTA3IYdI/AAAAAAAAAdM/PruALOYxUrY/s1600/marshmallow+shooter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mDGkRq4YYGM/T9kFTA3IYdI/AAAAAAAAAdM/PruALOYxUrY/s320/marshmallow+shooter.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">We already have marshmallow guns. I
think we may be winning the arms race</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
The kids from the advert are so keen for you to help that
they’ll even <a href="http://extras.uk.msn.com/advertorials/wagon-wheels/" target="_blank">reward you with an Xbox Kinect and Gold Membership</a>.
That’s not too shabby, eh? Follow the link and then their instructions – it’s
like a timed map-browsing game or something. I did it in under 5 minutes but I
was also aiming <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> to win, just in case
the runners up get free Wagon Wheels as a consolation prize. I mean, it's not been mentioned anywhere, but a guy can hope. I’d appreciate that
just as much, or potentially more, than an Xbox.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
And finally, <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/951ej1pTQAw" target="_blank">look at this advert about the last push of the Martian insurgents</a></b>. Smaller Wagon Wheels! I disapprove of making them smaller
because why would you want to do that? But if it makes them more popular or
cheaper to produce, then it’s obviously the right move for the company. Or the Martians
or whatever. I guess I’ll support them in this small-making, this en-small-ening,
especially if it means Wagon Wheels will be around for my whole life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
What would be really cool is if, at the completion of the
marketing campaign, there was a short video about how the kids saved us all
from the Martians and the unrequited love plot is resolved (there should also
be an unrequited love plot obviously). I really want to see this narrative
develop! We could get Roland Emmerich to direct!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J2bgd9XnNHs/T9kFoeG8OFI/AAAAAAAAAdU/ajBmmoIDWRo/s1600/independence+day.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J2bgd9XnNHs/T9kFoeG8OFI/AAAAAAAAAdU/ajBmmoIDWRo/s320/independence+day.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Now I can’t look at this without
thinking about Wagon Wheels</i></span></div>
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Burton’s Foods produces Wagon Wheels in the UK. I’ll
probably forget about Wagon Wheels again one day (I’d forget my own name if
people didn’t keep calling me by it), and I sincerely hope that when that
happens, they don’t wait another ten years to remind me. Never leave me, Wagon Wheels. You complete me.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-53128519827271120252012-06-11T13:10:00.000+01:002012-09-03T18:13:13.301+01:00Spotlight on Superman<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
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Previously I weighed up the
benefits of <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/gotham-vs-metropolis.html">living in Metropolis versus living in Gotham</a>, and we discovered
that Metropolis is just as dangerous as Gotham without any of the edgy,
rock-and-roll fun. Metropolis is pretty boring and one of the best reasons for
living there is proximity to Superman. He’ll almost definitely save your arse
from the wide variety of disasters, accidents and crimes that occur regularly around
the city. He is a living god in humanoid form and he’s also a really nice, down
to earth, responsible guy. He’s practically perfect in every way! Well, almost
every way.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qaEgaicz5DI/T9Xd5SJVg7I/AAAAAAAAAcI/SBJQrZ6tWNM/s1600/superman+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="270" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qaEgaicz5DI/T9Xd5SJVg7I/AAAAAAAAAcI/SBJQrZ6tWNM/s400/superman+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Not always that bright though...</span></span></div>
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Read more after the super-click!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> <br /><br />
We all know he’s from Krypton,
sent away from the doomed planet in a space-capsule when he was a baby. We all
know that chunks of kryptonite, a mineral compound from his home planet, can
render him powerless and weak. So the logic part of your brain has probably
realised that on his home planet of Krypton, the people didn’t have
superpowers. Before Krypton blew up the residents weren’t super-strong,
super-fast or nigh invulnerable and they didn’t have x-ray or laser vision. But
I bet after Krypton blew up each of them could briefly fly, eh? Get it? HA!</div>
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Anyway, this is where it gets
quite silly – the source of Superman’s powers. Most of the time it is an
unresolved plot hole but where an attempt is made to explain it, things get even
stupider. A quick disclaimer: although I do love them, I am far from a comic book
expert. Different writers give different explanations for his powers, all the
god damn time, some of which are contradictory.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Superman gets his powers from our
yellow sun. Kryptonians evolved on a planet orbiting a low-energy red giant,
requiring their cellular structures to absorb solar energy much more
efficiently than humans. Their sun’s energy output was much lower compared to
ours, so when Kryptonians are exposed to our younger, higher-energy star they
get hyper-charged and eventually develop all kinds of insane super-powers. In
the case of Kal-El (aka Clark Kent or Superman) it appears to take about
thirteen or fourteen years, from infancy to pubescence. But I guess everyone
suffers from radiation poisoning differently.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Yes, radiation poisoning.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sG2p4U8Ske4/T9XeNok8gRI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/i3TAmXqRqo8/s1600/superman+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sG2p4U8Ske4/T9XeNok8gRI/AAAAAAAAAcQ/i3TAmXqRqo8/s320/superman+2.jpg" width="236" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Those aren’t
muscles, they’re tumours</i></span></div>
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When humans are over-exposed to
radiation we don’t get hyper-charged. We don’t develop unusual and excessive
super-powers. We don’t even build up an infinite stock of vitamin D from our
own sun. Maybe we should find a sun younger than our own with a higher energy
output, but I’m pretty sure what will happen is that we’ll get horribly sick. The
symptoms of radiation poisoning in humans are burns, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea,
immune system deficiencies, dizziness, headaches, fever, seizures, liver and
kidney failure and maybe sometimes hair loss, of course.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ibXRlEiAhaY/T9XetKvmigI/AAAAAAAAAcY/GS3RwPvZNSE/s1600/President+Luthor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ibXRlEiAhaY/T9XetKvmigI/AAAAAAAAAcY/GS3RwPvZNSE/s320/President+Luthor.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>Lex Luthor</i></span></div>
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In some versions, Lex Luthor was
made hairless by an accident during one of his own, youthful experiments. In
other versions it’s the radiation being poured out by baby Kal-El’s space-capsule
that makes him bald – there may have been a lot of other symptoms too, but his
parents could afford the best possible medical aid for their baby. How many
others around Smallville without access to internationally renowned doctors
also suffered radiation poisoning? How many other vulnerable humans, including
other babies, were beneath the flight-path?</div>
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But apparently for Kryptonians the
symptoms of radiation poisoning include the ability to shoot lasers out of
their eyes, x-ray vision and damn <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">telekinesis</i>.
Yep, psychic powers. This is the deal:</div>
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Telekinesis is sometimes used to
explain how he can fly. This makes more sense than Lex Luthor’s own speculation that Krypton might have higher gravity which would cause
Kryptonians to evolve <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anti-gravity organs</i>.
Telekinesis is also sometimes used to explain his invulnerability; since his
skin-tight outfit can usually survive whatever he can (including bullets, bombs
and fiery atmospheric re-entry) the writers sometimes explain that this is the
‘aura effect’ of the psychokinetic, biomatrix forcefield that protects him at
all times. Sometimes they explain that the radiation of the yellow sun causes
his skin to be harder than titanium, which is again a very strange reaction to
radiation poisoning. Telekinesis is also sometimes used to explain his
super-strength, such as when he grips an object by a part that could never
support the weight – holding a car by the bumper or a plane by the end of its
wing for example.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LCilRFc4Ut4/T9Xe8STB_rI/AAAAAAAAAcg/0fCZCa7IFL8/s1600/superman+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LCilRFc4Ut4/T9Xe8STB_rI/AAAAAAAAAcg/0fCZCa7IFL8/s320/superman+4.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>This. Just
like this</i></span></div>
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How fair is that?! We get
poisoned by too much radiation, but he gets amazing powers?! Some theories
floating around suggest that since the Kryptonian technology is so much more
advanced than ours, it might have something to do with their ability to recycle
radiation usefully. Maybe there were crystalline structures planted in every
Kryptonian’s body at birth. Maybe it took a decade or so for the crystals in
his brain to work out how to alter Clark’s eyes and fire out the radiation they’d
absorbed, or use it to make his brain telekinetic. If Krypton had survived and
he’d lived there his whole life then maybe the technological enhancements to
his body would have merely kept his immune system strong, eradicated cancerous
cells and prevented senile dementia, as may have been their original intention.
Indeed, this might help explain how he wiped Lois Lane’s
memory that one time, or sent out a telekinetic blast in the shape of his logo
(Superman 2 is appalling).</div>
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When he’s exposed to a much
younger sun than ours, coloured blue rather than yellow, he gets even<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> more</i> powerful. Is it also a prettier
sun, Clark? Is the blue sun funnier and sexier, too? Why don’t you just go and
live with the younger blue sun permanently, if it’s so great for you? I bet its
breasts are still pert, it doesn’t need to get up early because it has work in
the morning, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">it doesn’t have stretch
marks from decaying fusion emissions</i>.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-845jKTdpfuI/T9Xheeeq7SI/AAAAAAAAAcw/VeeBZrQ_ByY/s1600/old+sun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-845jKTdpfuI/T9Xheeeq7SI/AAAAAAAAAcw/VeeBZrQ_ByY/s200/old+sun.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>We're going to need a HUGE tub of ice cream</i></span></span></div>
</div>
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At least the chunks of his old
home planet can poison him without affecting us humans whatsoever. Because he
has a higher susceptibility to radiation, he’s violently allergic to the rocks
from his homeworld that were rendered radioactive by the explosion. Green
kryptonite will weaken or even kill him, but there are other varieties. Red
kryptonite has in the past had a wide variety of random effects, from changing
Superman into a dragon or dwarf to giving him telepathy or extra limbs (comic
books are silly sometimes). There are also gold, white, black, silver, blue,
pink and purple forms of kryptonite, a dozen other forms that aren’t
colour-related and a few non-canon versions of fake Kryptonite like brown.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--nhNHecXfWQ/T9XfP2A6hUI/AAAAAAAAAco/c5J7ZocGsnw/s1600/superman+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--nhNHecXfWQ/T9XfP2A6hUI/AAAAAAAAAco/c5J7ZocGsnw/s640/superman+5.jpg" width="530" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>A useful reference
guide! At least until the next ret-con</i></span></div>
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It’s been said (in Kill Bill) that
the identity of Clark Kent is a sad comment on Kal-El’s experience of humanity –
that the meek, awkward, cowardly persona is how he sees us. But personally I
reject that interpretation. For the first years of his life he was the Kent kid, a skinny and bespectacled farm boy. His foster parents raised him to be hard-working
and fair, and he loves them deeply. Their values are most visibly manifested when he puts
on the Superman outfit (including their weird fetish for highly visible red underwear). Clark Kent is his true self and if anything, Superman
is the comment on his experience of humanity. He’s the best of everything good
about us - patient, understanding, helpful, self-sacrificing and even polite. If he wanted to he could rule us with an iron fist, being as cruel
and decadent as he liked. But he doesn’t do that. He flies to our rescue every
single time, even when it’s inconvenient or painful, because he actually kind
of likes us.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-47484685946207148502012-06-01T20:52:00.002+01:002012-09-03T18:14:13.388+01:00Cars of the Future - Part 2<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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A <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/cars-of-future.html">while ago I told you</a> how car companies Smart, Renault and
Nissan were all releasing electric cars this year. Electric cars with realistic
range and power, not just token gestures for showrooms and trade expos. We
examined the adverts and ultimately concluded that <a href="http://oneclicktoomany.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/time-travel-in-fiction-part-one.html">I want a spaceship</a>. But it
has to be a good spaceship with faster-than-light travel and everything.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wGK_4mOGwOQ/T8kZXYluJgI/AAAAAAAAAbk/fvx_iCGxr04/s1600/thunderbird+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="227" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wGK_4mOGwOQ/T8kZXYluJgI/AAAAAAAAAbk/fvx_iCGxr04/s320/thunderbird+3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>This will also suffice</i></span></div>
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Anyway, the paradigm shift continues after the click! <br />
<a name='more'></a> <br /><br />
There are other car
companies bringing out their own electric car adverts! They’re not as good as the Smart one, which had my geek-drool pooling
on the floor, but they’re pretty good.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Look at this 1-minute-long clip that shows off the BMWi (because
putting an ‘i’ on a thing is how you tell people it is modern). These are
merely car concepts that are actually on a global tour of trade expos at the
moment, but <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ3DzF5e9CM">check out what they look like</a>.</div>
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The cars look pretty amazing and futuristic but they wouldn’t
last one second on the actual street before someone vandalized them – probably me.
Apparently having passers-by scrape keys down the side of your car is a huge
problem for Ferrari owners, so can you imagine how badly it would go for these
impressive BMW cars. Yeah I’ll piss on your vehicle, you smug
touch-screen-wearing dick. I bet you’d just love to lay down and have sex with your better-than-LED
headlights, eh? Well, I got there first!</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LmBtReHk0Aw/T8kVXISoUUI/AAAAAAAAAbA/VXUxJkzC8W0/s1600/bmw+hybrid.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LmBtReHk0Aw/T8kVXISoUUI/AAAAAAAAAbA/VXUxJkzC8W0/s320/bmw+hybrid.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The reason it looks so angry is because I
stuck my dick in its eye</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Anyway… the huge problem with electric cars at the moment is
the lack of serious infrastructure to support them. Petrol cars can rely on petrol
stations dotted around the entire world (that’s what we call gas stations in
the UK), but when your car runs out of power in the middle of the countryside,
how do you walk back to the last charge-station to fetch a tank of lightning? While
being pursued by wolves and axe-murderers? This is why the most sensible
electric car adverts are emphasising the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">range.
</i>Check out the <a href="http://youtu.be/EljQ3KNFYMY">electric car from Vauxhall - the Ampera</a>!</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iecT9gOlNgs/T8kaqcOj-LI/AAAAAAAAAb0/7yMFLXGZe0Q/s1600/vauxhall+ampera.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iecT9gOlNgs/T8kaqcOj-LI/AAAAAAAAAb0/7yMFLXGZe0Q/s400/vauxhall+ampera.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Something about cars or something, I no longer care. Hello ladies!</i></span></span></div>
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European Car of the Year, 2012. Nice. The 360 mile range
gives you plenty of distance to escape inbred mountain-folk who want to eat
your family. The parallel with deep-sea divers and mountain climbers in the advert really
hammers the point home. This might be my second-favourite electric car advert! It
also started with a reference to the charging station, which is something that
none of these adverts have included yet – so that's some extra progress. On their website they
say you can charge it from a standard 240v socket which is surreal but
brilliant.</div>
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The BMW i3 model is 100% electric. The Vauxhall electro-car is
only a hybrid, despite how enthusiastically they’ll let you believe the
extensive range is entirely electric. On one hand I love
the advert so much that I feel slightly betrayed. On the other hand the Vauxhall
electric engine is apparently twice as efficient as the famous Prius – giving you
a range of 25-50 miles instead of 15 miles before the petrol engine kicks in.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx_X6tCwet4&feature=youtu.be">Now let’s look at the Mitsubishi i-MiEV</a>. Two lower case i's indicates that this car is EVEN MORE MODERN!</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c59RfHMZmwo/T8kb9-PUAQI/AAAAAAAAAb8/8Oplilv-lEE/s1600/mitsubishi+i+engine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-c59RfHMZmwo/T8kb9-PUAQI/AAAAAAAAAb8/8Oplilv-lEE/s320/mitsubishi+i+engine.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">So you're telling me that somewhere in there, there's an engine?</span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Wait, no, not modern at all! Did you watch the advert? See how Mitsubishi is homely and quaint? No need to fear the
giant industrial mega-corporation! Using some friendly shots of Small Town USA, a
town called ‘Normal’, with ice cream parlours, baseball mascots and neon-lit
signs for local cinemas, electric cars are transformed into something friendly,
mundane and indeed… normal. They might even be powered by ukulele music, who can say?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Mitsubishi is also installing charge stations across the whole
town of Normal. This is a bold investment in social engineering but if I lived in that
town I probably wouldn’t appreciate it. Interesting data generated by this
experiment in town planning may inform the future infrastructure of larger
towns like London and New York. Sure it might be a ridiculous publicity stunt
but this silly idea may well shape something important.</div>
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Electric stations alongside petrol stations are certainly the
way forward. While the US state of California is apparently leading the way
with over 500 electric stations, you also have to compare that to the number of
petrol/gas stations they have.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ieWOB244IiU/T8kVr7_Th8I/AAAAAAAAAbI/Id2ePTYwjrQ/s1600/us+electric+stations.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ieWOB244IiU/T8kVr7_Th8I/AAAAAAAAAbI/Id2ePTYwjrQ/s400/us+electric+stations.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Texas has 400 as of 2011, but on the
other hand it had 16,500 gas stations in 2006</i></span></div>
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My point was that there’s still no advert that compares to the
Smart Car parade of geeky dreams. But while making that point I found out more and more about futuristic cars. The more I find out, the more I’m convinced that I don’t know enough about them. Everyone
buying an electric or hybrid car needs to do extensive research, which is
discouraging – especially when second-hand fuel-farting rust-buckets are
cheaper and simpler to understand. Operational costs for hybrid vehicles are
like four times as complicated to figure out, and if you start factoring in the
carbon footprint and resource cost of manufacturing the actual vehicles and the
power to charge them then you start to wonder whether any of this really means anything.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-60471591699690720962012-05-10T01:09:00.001+01:002012-09-03T18:42:50.425+01:00Tugs - Thomas the Tank Engine Multiplied by Epic<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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In 1988, the creators of Thomas the Tank Engine decided the market
was ripe for more industrial vehicles with human faces. They created ‘Tugs’,
which was much more dramatic than you’d expect.<br />
<br />
Read about the grit, the boats, the fires and the dockyard EXPLOSIONS after the click! That's right, explosions!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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‘Tugs’ was remarketed to several networks from Japan to
Canada, each time redubbed to make it more locally relevant. Thomas probably
endured the same distortion depending on the broadcast region but his face is
somehow globally iconic. Tugs never enjoyed that level of recognition even in
the UK – which was, of course, the most gritty and realistic version.</div>
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If you remember it then you might remember the introduction
montage I’m about to show you. Do you remember a different version? Compare
your childhood memories to these epic, jazzy intro sequences:</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5prNK_k0-as" width="420"></iframe>
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There were two of them there. Although the first one was
low-budget, the second one was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lower</i>-budget.
The second one – the one that could be reproduced with any free video-editing
software available these days – was the intro sequence for the whole first
season.</div>
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See how it’s grittier and nastier than anything you’d
associated with Thomas the Tank Engine? There’s more smoke and industry here than
Thomas probably encountered in his whole life. Thomas lives on the island of Sodor where magic and enchantment keep the kids distracted. The
people are all weird little plastic models, such as the Fat Controller and his
stiff limbs.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4QFR5DsK9PI/T6sCbdieVUI/AAAAAAAAAaI/CxvPKhzP7jc/s1600/TheFatController.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4QFR5DsK9PI/T6sCbdieVUI/AAAAAAAAAaI/CxvPKhzP7jc/s320/TheFatController.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Look into my cold, dead eyes. My nose itches ALL THE TIME! How do I touch myself?!</span></i></div>
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Meanwhile the Tugs live in ‘Bigg City’, which is a hub of
seafaring trade and heavy industry. It’s set in the ‘roaring twenties’ which is
a euphemism for gangster-era Chicago. Although the nastier UK version employed
British vocal actors, you need only look at the villains to understand the
intended caricatures:</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TXlOFVoByig/T6sDAmVItiI/AAAAAAAAAaQ/OnCe-PoyLBA/s1600/Zebedee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="248" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TXlOFVoByig/T6sDAmVItiI/AAAAAAAAAaQ/OnCe-PoyLBA/s320/Zebedee.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">His name may be Zebedee but this ain't no Magic Roundabout</span></i></div>
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See? He's not an exception - he's a clone! They all have similar hats and similar mustaches. They’re only a violin case and an Italian restaurant
away from being major criminals. In the series it’s never explicitly stated
that they’re smuggling hooch, they’re merely minor criminals guilty of
sometimes lightly breaking maritime law. However, if the boats were people
they’d probably be shaking down ice cream parlors, extorting pawn shops and
conducting massacres in speak-easies.</div>
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Since it’s the 20s, they also have no radio or radar (which
are staples of safe, modern coastal industry) so they can only communicate
face-to-face. This is usually a huge issue in the various major industrial
accidents they find themselves involved with. Almost every single episode of
Tugs involves at least one if not more. For example, an episode titled
‘Munitions’: Naval arrogance results in a raging firestorm.</div>
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Here's the whole episode in two parts, hosted by Youtube. In total it's less than twenty minutes long, but I'll summarise below if you don't want to watch the epic heroism.<br />
<br />
<b>Part One:</b></div>
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MeBqjsM0yVA" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
<b style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Part Two:</b><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-v4CZ8o6UL4" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
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<br /></div>
</div>
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If you didn’t watch the two-part links there, what we just
saw was a major, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">major </i>mistake by the naval officer. The accident
that ensued closed an entire industrial port for several months, if not years.
In real life the port authorities would have had to call in fire barges from
every city along the coast just to quench the flames. It’s stated during the
episode that if the fire wasn’t controlled it would have reached the wider city
itself. At night with buildings full of sleeping families? The unspoken
implication is that hundreds of thousands of people would have died. A huge
evacuation would have been undertaken, resulting in panic, looting and further
loss of human life. But weirdly, in this universe at least, we never see an
actual human. Who <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lives</i> in this
city?!</div>
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The disaster plays out like this: explosives are being
transferred from a barge to a naval ship while it also refuels. A naval boat bungles
away amongst this delicate procedure, causing a barge full of munitions to
catch fire. The fire then spreads to the neighbouring fuel barge (I think? It
all gets a bit confusing when the explosions start).</div>
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The whole dock is apparently under the jurisdiction of Big
Mickey the crane. When he sees his dock is going up in irreversible flames, he
turns himself sideways at the correct angle just in time to fall safely, rather
than crushing everyone beneath him. The old sea hand comments sadly that it
took real skill to pull off a move like that, but of course we can’t help
thinking of the human crane-operator sitting inside Big Mickey. His was the
noblest of sacrifices. “Never has so much been owed by so many to so few” and
all that.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r1k0_XJxLJk/T6sEtSprZhI/AAAAAAAAAag/i5essH__WKI/s1600/explosion.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-r1k0_XJxLJk/T6sEtSprZhI/AAAAAAAAAag/i5essH__WKI/s320/explosion.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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As the fire boats race along the coast towards the blaze,
summoning ships as they go (remember there’s no radio), all of the heroic ships
prove themselves actual heroes. A mid-weight tugboat, Ten Cents, drives into
the blaze to push a fuel barge out of the way and out to sea. He’s out there
for quite some time and his barge explodes while he’s right next to it. His
sacrifice was not in vain – he prevented a tonne of fire damage on his
own! How many lives did he save? The whole city? WHO CAN SAY!</div>
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Meanwhile a lightweight tugboat, Sunshine, mans the hoses of
a fire barge to douse warehouses and prevent further spreading. Warrior the
heavyweight turns up with his own fire hose and turns it onto the fire. The
fire boat tells him to retreat but no, Warrior has to stick in and save the
docks to prevent damage to his friend, the dockyard train called Puffer.</div>
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Strangely, the dockyard train has no face. Make of that what
you will.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uO9QIEskyjo/T6sFJ2RMkQI/AAAAAAAAAao/qm22s0cjJB8/s1600/devastation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uO9QIEskyjo/T6sFJ2RMkQI/AAAAAAAAAao/qm22s0cjJB8/s320/devastation.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> “If Warrior and Sunshine hadn’t contained the
fire, it could have easily spread to the city” – direct quote from the fire
boat</span></i></div>
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This was a night of sacrifice. This was a night of heroes.
This was a night of humble working boats somehow saving an entire dockside
region from the worst of all pre-nuclear industrial tragedies. If you were a boat-hand or seaman on these ships that night then you would feel proud to call yourself a
sailor. YOU WOULD FEEL PROUD TO CALL YOURSELF A HERO. The fire may claim crew, boat and captaincy, but the innocent sleepers
in Bigg City were saved. God damn it, THEY SAVED THE SLEEPING CHILDREN FROM THE
FIRE.</div>
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When the dawn finally rises and there is nothing left but
ash, there is a brief moment where the tugboats all mourn for Ten Cents, the
tugboat who pushed off the fuel barge into the sea. But NO! TEN CENTS IS ALIVE!
He emerges through the smoke and fog with a cheery whistle! He limped back into
port with a flooded engine and broken lights, the luckiest and bravest
tugboat of them all. He got clear of the fuel barge just as it exploded!
Hooray!</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wBOx2QH4Vjo/T6sFhnrBflI/AAAAAAAAAaw/ndy2ExYPM6c/s1600/ten+cents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wBOx2QH4Vjo/T6sFhnrBflI/AAAAAAAAAaw/ndy2ExYPM6c/s320/ten+cents.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">No, you look fine. Very heroic. Do... do boats feel pain?</span></span></div>
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Meanwhile the arsehole naval boat has gone into shock and
had a nervous breakdown, and is towed away by the local submarine (he is also a
character; just accept it). Everyone laughs to see the officious naval bastard
reap the just desserts of serious post-traumatic stress disorder. Then the
long, arduous process of rebuilding a major industrial port begins off-screen
before economic stagnation sets in and thousands of livelihoods are ruined.</div>
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As with every child’s television show there is a lesson to
be learned. The narrator also informs us in case we had missed it: “Orders may
be orders, but they don’t supersede common sense”. I’d say it was pretty good
advice for the UK as it moved out of the politically charged 80s – with all the
civil unrest, IRA action and widespread union strikes – into the entirely peaceful
90s.</div>
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There is also a chance that this episode was intended for
Guy Fawkes Night or some other kind of bonfire celebration, because after
warning us about the perils of blindly following authority he continues with a
much more universal and terrifying message:</div>
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“Always respect fire. If you don’t, it will destroy you,
your surroundings and your friends.”</div>
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IT WILL DESTROY YOU</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">YOUR SURROUNDINGS</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">YOUR FRIENDS</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">ALWAYS RESPECT FIRE</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">IT WILL DESTROY YOU </span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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But no, I’m sure Thomas the Tank Engine and his magical
island is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">much</i> more interesting.</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-422977114607240262.post-30186348366021684232012-04-30T00:46:00.000+01:002012-09-03T18:48:01.489+01:00Sex in Video Games<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</div>
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Sex. Sexy, sexy sex! Some call it shagging; others call it
‘making the beast with two backs’; almost no one calls it ‘dancing the f**k
fandango’ but they should because that’s hilarious. Since mankind realised they
could represent concepts with symbols, some of those symbols have been about
dancing the f**k fandango. Who can blame them?</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZrKgnu5UYro/T53PrDRYCUI/AAAAAAAAAY4/E9gS8IQmN6k/s1600/caveman+porn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZrKgnu5UYro/T53PrDRYCUI/AAAAAAAAAY4/E9gS8IQmN6k/s200/caveman+porn.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Cave men loved big butts, they could
not lie</i></span></div>
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Read more about three of everyone's favourite subjects - sex, video games and sex in video games - right after the click!<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a> <br />
<br />
It’s reasonable that in our escapist fantasies – such
as video games – we would like a filling of sex for our sandwich of violence. But
in hundreds of video games the sex is left out with only violence left to fill
the void. Whether it’s never kissing the princess but jumping up and down on
goombas, Sephiroth penetrating Aeris with a sword, millions of people blowing
each other’s brains out with virtual heavy calibre weapons before being taken
from behind; violence is fine but sex is forbidden.</div>
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This is most noticeable in the Fable series – not because
there is no sex, but because of what sex there is. Sex exists complete with pregnancy,
bigamy and even brothels, but when you actually dance the f**k fandango you just
hear five seconds of grunting while the screen is black. What the hell is the point?
It’s not like you’re protecting children from forbidden knowledge. Your heroic morally
pure male character can solicit sex from a male prostitute wearing a pink thong
and assless chaps, leading him by the hand to a bed behind a thin curtain. That’s
some pretty explicit context even if you don’t see any explicit <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">content</i>.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zRgZq2GYA24/T53QZid6BHI/AAAAAAAAAZg/hnhQYbQgFLA/s1600/black+box.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zRgZq2GYA24/T53QZid6BHI/AAAAAAAAAZg/hnhQYbQgFLA/s320/black+box.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">This is SCANDALOUS</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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In contrast, the Mass Effect series has been controversial
in the past for its same-sex relationships and erotica, even though they have
always been tasteful and sensitive. Again you don’t get to see any genitals,
just an erotic montage like countless other family-friendly movies. The scenes
themselves were actually far from porn – I think the people who objected to them
had never seen the internet. I can only pray that someone took them aside and
explained to them about… well, the real world.</div>
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Is it weird that people found the homosexuality objectionable
rather than the whole ‘having sex with aliens’ aspect? Some of the alien races
only have a single gender even though they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">look</i>
like girls, so does that make it okay for a human woman to shag them? Surely
this is like some kind of bestiality either way since they’re not humans, even
if they’re sentient. At the very least it makes our previous definitions of ‘mixed
race’ completely obsolete. But I guess we’re passed interracial relationships
being sensational, so it’s not news. Hooray for social progress!</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ir7ns-5gWdU/T53QofAlIEI/AAAAAAAAAZo/1gFfquRFhOc/s1600/krogan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="125" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ir7ns-5gWdU/T53QofAlIEI/AAAAAAAAAZo/1gFfquRFhOc/s200/krogan.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Male? Female? Does it even make a difference?</span></i></div>
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For the game Fallout 3, the absence of sex was a major
complaint. In its precursor Fallout 2 there was loads of sex – almost every
town had its whorehouses, lecherous barflies, horny farm-girls, randy
warrior-women, hurt-but-healing sheriffs, deviated perverts or angry, vengeful
trophy wives. Although most of the interactions were text-based and the sex
scenes were also just fade-to-black, it was still nice to flirt, seduce or even
solicit (or at least the game dialogue writers’ ideas of those things). The
brothels in Fallout 2 were a lot of fun with some great comedy, and often a
good place to find a new quest. When Fallout 3 was released, this whole aspect
of the game was left out (plus the travel mechanic was incredibly worse). True
we have the internet now, but a post-apocalyptic world without sex is a doomed
world indeed.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_BLaV9eGng/T53Q7FwBU3I/AAAAAAAAAZw/Uy4my25ShfM/s1600/harold-portrait.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y_BLaV9eGng/T53Q7FwBU3I/AAAAAAAAAZw/Uy4my25ShfM/s320/harold-portrait.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Harold’s head-tree may be having sex in this image, and you
would never know because it's a tree</i></span></div>
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Don’t get me wrong, there is a huge difference between
virtual hookers and prostitutes in real life. In real life streetwalkers are
unattractive, harsh, desperate, likely diseased and probably chemically
dependent on something or other. Most of them are backed up by pimps who
will probably screw you over in a completely different, much worse way by taking your wallet at least, or maybe even your kidneys. It’s obviously illegal (in most places) which is part
of why lost women and men alike can be exploited and sold by manipulative, abusive
predators. Despite being the oldest profession in the world it’s still seedy,
unmentionable and very perilous.<br />
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Meanwhile in a computer game a cheeky wench
will wink at you, say something saucy, beckon you into the back room and then <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">beckon you into the back room,</i> if you
know what I’m saying – all for a gold coin or a few tankards of ale – then tell
everyone how amazing you were. Everyone knows its equal parts harmless, silly,
pathetic and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fun </i>apart from the
crazies, who think it’s either harmful, serious or some sort of achievement.</div>
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Some games balance it by injecting some kind of educational
moral, which might be why there are fewer complaints about them. For example you
can sometimes find condoms in loot-drops or shops. In Fallout 2 you get the
chance to star in a porn film for one of the crime families. You’ll be rewarded
with currency, reputation and, unless you wear a condom, an STD. Fable 3 is both
less and more strict about it: if you don’t use a condom there is a risk of
pregnancy, sure, and I’ve sometimes found myself having to balance motherhood
with adventuring and revolution (my character was a girl). But STD contraction
is random and also irreversible. There are forum posts around the internet of
people catching STDs from their virginal spouses.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vRYDn2Zhv9s/T53RedJeaTI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/Jn85M3Dqalo/s1600/trashy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vRYDn2Zhv9s/T53RedJeaTI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/Jn85M3Dqalo/s320/trashy.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>Yes honey, I was a virgin when we married.
Why do you ask? </i></span></div>
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It’s true that many so-called sexually transmitted parasites
and diseases can also be contracted from other vectors like shared towels,
dirty water, dirty needles or medical incompetence. They can even be inherited
from a parent. There was poor hygiene in the era Fable 3 is apparently set. Just
because someone is a virgin doesn’t mean they’ll be disease-free. Nonetheless I
felt slightly cheated when my Fable 3 character got some kind of magical STD from
losing her virginity, especially since it was nothing but five seconds of
grunting in the dark. If anything that’s uncomfortably realistic.</div>
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I suppose I almost agree with the religious right and
censorship-advocates, albeit for very different reasons. Sure all this realism can teach kids to be responsible with their genitals, to wear condoms and be aware of their sexual health. But learning to be responsible is not why we play video games!</div>
Josh Zerohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11662198286037526831noreply@blogger.com0