3D : An extra dimension of crappiness

As I sit in my cinema seat, and put on my pair of plastic glasses, I am apathetic that the movie I am about to watch is in 3D. 2010 certainly seems to be the year of the 3D cinema, with everything from Toy Story to SAW having a go at making us look stupid in our Corrado Soprano inspired glasses.

I loved Avatar. I will always use it as a prime example of 3D being used to enhance a movie experience, rather than cheapen it with obnoxious reminders that yes, we are indeed watching a 3D movie. This usually involves things flying out at us suddenly, dirt or mud being sprayed, or maybe if we are lucky, a penis courtesy of the much anticipated Jackass 3.

I am not ripping on Jackass for using 3D. In fact, I think it is a fantastic idea, because those guys are doing it all for a laugh, and I have no doubt in my mind that seeing poop, penises and jetskis flying at me will be a visceral experience.

What does bug me, is how people seem to be substituting a great story experience, with a gimmicky and shallow attempt of spectacle over narrative. In fact, most of the time, the 3D makes things look even more artificial then they already are.

Of course, the next big thing, or the next big flop, is going to be 3D TV. Imagine sitting at home, wearing a pair of glasses and watching Eastenders in 3D. Two Dimensions of Pat Butcher is enough thank you. Saying that, before one of the many 3D movies that I have seen this year, a trailer for Sky Sports 3D was shown, and it actually looked pretty sweet. So, I guess the jury is out on this one until it becomes properly established. Personally, I don’t think it is going to be the next big thing. For some reasons I am thinking of Minidisks, and while it was a cool idea, it just didn’t take off. Do people really want to put on some goofy glasses every time they watch TV?

One thing, which at this moment in time is probably still in very early development, is 3D gaming. It does exist in limited form, with a few games supporting it, such as Valve’s ‘Left 4 Dead 2’. It doesn’t seem to have become a serious thought just yet, mostly due to price of hardware, and the ever present premium that comes attached to the novelty.

What we should do, is skip this stage and head into 4D, which according to Wikipedia is:

‘Generated by applying the rules of vectors and coordinate geometry to a space with four dimensions. In particular a vector with four elements (a 4-tuple) can be used to represent a position in four-dimensional space. The space is a Euclidean space, so has a metric and norm, and so all directions are treated as the same: the additional dimension is indistinguishable from the other three.’

Now, I don’t know what the hell that means, but I don’t think us humans will be able to manage it, without 4D glasses, some brain surgery and LSD.

I’m not even going to get into the implications of 3D pornography. That’s for another conversation, and without going into detail, you know that it will either be the worst, or the greatest invention of mankind.